Washington: Department of Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano today announced a new program that will enable female commercial flyers to receive a Pap Smear in addition to the Mammogram they already receive as a part of new airport security measures implemented by the Transportation Safety Administration. Secretary Napolitano noted that “this is only a baby step for cross-agency cooperation for the betterment of our country’s health and security.  It’s a grand day for women’s health in America!”.  Secretary Napolitano was unsure if the new health measures would be in place for the Thanksgiving travel period, typically the busiest travel period of the year in America.

The Papanicolaou Test (“Pap” for short) is an internal exam that collects cells from a woman’s cervix with a special tool, and enables doctors to evaluate pre-cancerous or cancerous conditions.  The Mammogram, of course, is an  external testbreast designed to identify potential pre-cancerous irregularities.

Although many details have yet to be worked out (co-payments, medical records, inaccurate results), Vice President Joe Biden gave the new program an enthusiastic response while visiting a stimulus-funded new sidewalk in a vacant Detroit neighborhood. He said “Whoah, that’s great – we’re combining health care with security, wow, that’s a big f@*%ing deal! ” When Biden was asked if he would want his family to be subjected to the newly enhanced security/health procedures, he replied “Hell, no – I don’t even want my family to get that Swine Flu vaccine. I’ll stick to taking the train, thank you very much!”