WASHINGTON – Last week’s release of the Justice Department’s white paper containing the Obama administration’s legal justifications for carrying out assassinations by armed drones has been found to contain a vaguely worded sub-section that suggests drone program expansion into civilian areas. The paper says that the program could include surveillance of “elementary school-level students, whether citizens or not, when outside the confines of the primary school structure; deployment of such drones could supplement or replace personnel responsible for child safety and welfare. Program details could include reading personal data from student microchip implants (program separately implemented and justified by Justice Department white paper #JDW32-888-46HY7)”. With schools facing staffing and financial pressures, the drones could be a blessing, compliments of the Federal Government. For years, teacher’s unions have been trying to eliminate what they consider extracurricular duties such as recess and lunch duty. Drones could potentially eliminate such duties so that teachers could focus on what they claim to do best: teach! Parent volunteers are also relieved – though most parent volunteers anonymously confess that they sign up for recess duty to keep an eye on their own children, they really just gab with the other parents while chaos rules the playground. Drones might not be able to break up an argument over the swings, but surveillance technology has advanced such that certain types of physical activities could be identified as appropriate/not appropriate, and images of offenders could be sent to a single playground monitor, or recorded for future disciplinary use. Audio technology can also keep track of conversation on the playground, flagging specific words and phrases for further scrutiny as is done when monitoring terrorist “chatter” over telephones and the internet. No public school has yet gone on record as having requested participation in the expanded program.
WASHINGTON: The recent mass exodus of Congress from the capitol last week was not the result of cowardice or political maneuvering, but of bedbugs. Unofficial reports indicate that both chambers of Congress are crawling with cimex lectularia, commonly known as bedbugs. The predicament is unsurprising to one member of the capitol’s janitorial staff, “think about it, these people jet all over the place, staying at hotels on the taxpayer’s nickel. Of course they’re bringing back bedbugs from their travels. Probably the flu, too!” There has been no official statement on the situation, and Congress plans to return to session after the November 15, when the lame duck session will perhaps attempt to pass a federal budget (one of its most basic duties), and decide whether to allow the Obama tax increases to take effect in January. Until then, a different kind of parasite will reside in the capitol until after the mid-term elections.