WASHINGTON – The White House confirmed that the annual Easter Egg Roll will take place on April 1st, as scheduled, but will be greatly affected by the current Sequester. The annual event will host 35,000 people on the Monday after Easter, and this year’s theme will be “Be Healthy, Be Active, Be You!”. Scheduled activities include dancing, stories, sports, healthy cooking demonstrations, and voter registration. The White House confirms that there will not be a single jelly bean or piece of candy available at the celebration, because the greedy, do-nothing Republicans in Congress won’t let the kids have any Easter candy so their rich friends can get richer. White House Press Secretary Jay Carney noted, “the White House is doing the best it can under the circumstances, and those healthy activities are the only ones we can afford right now. It’s about making tough decisions. I feel sorry for those kids”.
WASHINGTON: House Democrats this morning announced a plan to file legislation that would require restaurants to request valid ID to purchase french fries. The draft legislation is a response to the push to curb childhood obesity, a goal championed by First Lady Michelle Obama. The bill goes further than Mrs. Obama’s push for the removal of french fries in children’s meals, and requires the presentation of a state or federally issued identification that proves the holder is age 18 or older. Ima Noseybich (D-CA), who drafted the bill says “This is the only way we can be sure that our children can be protected against the evil menace of french fries; it is the third in our nutrition axis of evil. We’ve already been working on demonizing soda and chocolate milk, and french fries are far more insipid than the others”.
House Republicans had no response other than stifled laughter at the press conference, but when that settled down they wondered if these same folks would support a national voter ID requirement. Ms. Noseybich was not amused, and added “of course not, it would be a violation of the Constitution”. Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano has not yet weighed in on adding french fries to the ongoing national security threat list. Cranky Mommy readers may recall when the KFC “Double Down” sandwich was added as a major national security threat in April of 2010.
Secretary of the Department of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano today added Kentucky Fried Chicken, and its soon-to-be-launched “Double Down” sandwich to her National Security Threat Analysis Document. KFC is unveiling its “Double Down” sandwich on Monday, and the federal government is ready and waiting. The sandwich boasts “two white-meat chicken filets – “Original Recipe” or grilled – wrapped around two pieces of bacon, two melted slices of Monterey Jack and pepper jack cheese, and the Colonel’s sauce”. That’s right – it’s a sandwich that uses fried chicken instead of bread! Napolitano, after having met with health professionals from Harvard University, and First Lady Michelle Obama, added the company and its new creation to the threat list for several reasons:
a) the sandwich is hideously oversized, and millions of patrons are bound to be choked by it – especially the children.
b) the sandwich contains almost 600 calories, which is completely unnecessary, when people could be eating pre-screened fruit.
c) the sandwich’s salt content is “through the roof“, with more than 2/3 of recommended daily intake for those under 45, and the “entire allowance for those over 45 or with hypertension and blacks”. It is in fact, a dangerous sandwich with a racial preference for severe heath ramifications.
d) the sandwich tested very positively by voting districts with significant Tea Party activity, lending to its apparently racist nature.
e) the overall social impact may cause obesity, high blood pressure, heart attack, stroke, choking, and other maladies that may prevent people from serving in our military, or in other government-run programs that promote the common good. The sandwich may also cause dramatic rises in health costs to the American public that have nothing to do with recent legislation. Really.
Secretary Napolitano will be keeping close tabs on sales of the sandwich, and may require that KFC track the individuals that purchase the sandwiches, so future healthcare claims can be denied due to irresponsible behavior, and whether parents should face disciplinary action for providing the sandwiches to minors. Stay tuned.
First Lady Michelle Obama described how women are “crushed” under the current health system (don’t be confused with being “constricted” by that weird belt she had on). Women are the ones that choose their family’s doctors, women make the appointments, and women provide the follow-up on care for their family members. She stressed the point that women are largely responsible for healthcare decisions in their families, and that they are overburdened with these duties. Healthcare reform would empower these women by simplifying the decisions to be made for herself or her family. “Women are the ones to do it”. Mrs. Obama also proposed that we also implement reform in the following segments of our society, in addition to the dreadful healthcare industry, that are also currently “crushing” the women in our nation with so many choices and options:
Greeting cards & gifts: recent surveys showed that 9 out of 10 women are responsible for keeping track of birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, etc., and are also responsible for procuring appropriate greeting cards and thoughtful gifts for the entire family and close friends. This cannot go on.
School Committees & Activities: 6 out of 10 women surveyed are involved in at least one school activity or committee, with participation required at least twice per month. Women are also expected to make costumes, cook for school bake sales and activities, and participate in non-formal school fundraising. Please make it stop.
Grocery & Sundries: 9 out of 10 women surveyed provide all food and sundry procurement services for their home, including meal planning, nutritional analysis, economy analysis, and delivery. They also clean out the fridge on some periodic basis when their ungrateful family doesn’t eat what they’ve procured. This is slowly killing our nation’s women.
As we can see, women suffer on virtually every level of their lives, and it is time to stop dragging our feet on enacting true change that will benefit a huge segment of our great nation. Please – contact your representatives today to unburden our nation’s women. Having all these choices and responsibilities is really crushing us, and we’ve been hoping and waiting for meaningful change to come.