First of all, my headline seems naughty, and that was unintended. I apologize. I had my annual mammogram this morning, with the Cranky Children in tow. I made them wait in the registration area reading comic books while I buzzed in for the annual crushing of the teeny boobs. The technicians are always chatty, trying to put you at ease, and it seems to me that they put on a big show of Windexing the torture machine’s lucite surfaces. It was really fast, and the technician explained when I would hear results, where to call if I have questions, how I may get a survey about my test (“we Strive for fives”), and finally she said “and here’s your goody bag”. Huh? I’ve been given these goody bags before, usually after having blood work done at the main hospital in the area. I guess that kind of makes sense; they want you to eat right after giving your blood, but I’ve never gotten a post-mammogram goody bag. When we were leaving, the Cranky Children asked about the bag, and I told them it was my goody bag. They were fascinated, and bugged me all day to open it, and asked to open it, but I left it on the kitchen counter as kind of a conversation piece. Their expectations were for more grand than the reality. Inside the plain white paper bag was a small bottle of water and a granola bar. And one Andes mint. Seems weak consolation for the travails of your typical mammogram. Is this why health care is so expensive? I understand that when Obamacare is fully implemented, you get a goody bag that has Fig Newtons, a piece of Nicorette gum, and a twenty-dollar bill. That is, if you’re lucky enough to qualify for a mammogram in the first place. I can’t wait!
Washington: Department of Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano today announced a new program that will enable female commercial flyers to receive a Pap Smear in addition to the Mammogram they already receive as a part of new airport security measures implemented by the Transportation Safety Administration. Secretary Napolitano noted that “this is only a baby step for cross-agency cooperation for the betterment of our country’s health and security. It’s a grand day for women’s health in America!”. Secretary Napolitano was unsure if the new health measures would be in place for the Thanksgiving travel period, typically the busiest travel period of the year in America.
The Papanicolaou Test (“Pap” for short) is an internal exam that collects cells from a woman’s cervix with a special tool, and enables doctors to evaluate pre-cancerous or cancerous conditions. The Mammogram, of course, is an external testbreast designed to identify potential pre-cancerous irregularities.
Although many details have yet to be worked out (co-payments, medical records, inaccurate results), Vice President Joe Biden gave the new program an enthusiastic response while visiting a stimulus-funded new sidewalk in a vacant Detroit neighborhood. He said “Whoah, that’s great – we’re combining health care with security, wow, that’s a big f@*%ing deal! ” When Biden was asked if he would want his family to be subjected to the newly enhanced security/health procedures, he replied “Hell, no – I don’t even want my family to get that Swine Flu vaccine. I’ll stick to taking the train, thank you very much!”