After the negotiation of the historic Joint Comprehensive Plan of Action (JCPOA) in 2015, American companies are able to legally engage in business in the Islamic Republic of Iran. We usually think of companies in the energy or transportation sectors, but personal care products giant Combe Incorporated has made a bet that the Iranian market is ripe for its Just for Men hair coloring. Senior Vice President of Sales and Marketing James Kelly plans to launch the product in Iran, and has offered a spokesperson job to Iranian President Hassan Rouhani, who has allegedly been using the product in the 20 month run-up to the nuclear deal completed last year. The product is not currently available in Iran, and rumor has it the Rouhani had some shipped illicitly from France.
Just for Men is hair dye specifically marketed to men to gradually darken hair, beards, mustaches, and sideburns. The product is already available in Israel, but nowhere else in the Middle East. Kelly’s research indicates that there are loads and loads of beards in the rest of the Middle East, largely for religious reasons, with nary a hair care product available on the market. He is also confident that his product to darken grey hair (beards) would be allowed under most religious laws in the region. Kelly expects Rouhani to accept his offer as soon as Combe’s corporate plane full of US dollars lands in Tehran.
Combe Incorporated is a privately held company founded in 1949, with world headquarters in White Plains, New York.
The Hallmark Channel is close to receiving approvals from the State Department to produce a heartwarming, feel-good movie about the happy, diplomatic resolution to yesterday’s interaction between the Iranian and US Navies. According to State sources, the US Naval vessels were straying into Iranian waters as a result of some sort of mechanical failure. The Iranian Navy provided mechanical assistance (and even checked out the American communications equipment for good measure), kept the sailors warm and safe (to include a hijab for the female sailor), and provided overnight accommodations (the hummus was reportedly out of this world), before sending them on their way. State also added that there were unconfirmed reports of hugs exchanged before the US vessels got back underway. It is unknown whether the piece would include portrayal of the potential disciplinary action for those American sailors who were clearly in the wrong.
“Our viewers look forward to schmaltzy stories of new found friendships and dramatic changes of heart ; we make a lot of money making up stories in that vein, but producing a story based on a real-life event would be a big win for us” said Barry Heart, Senior Executive of Production.
The two-hour special will highlight the new environment of cooperation between the two previously at-odds nations, and how diplomacy and civilized discourse can solve any problem. Hallmark expects to receive approval from the State Department this week. The production would be slated to air in mid or late October.
TEHRAN, IRAN – The Barack Obama Foundation has announced that Tehran University will be the site of the Obama Presidential Library.
The announcement comes after almost a year of behind-the-scenes negotiations and jockeying, largely among the University of Illinois at Chicago, University of Chicago, University of Hawaii, and Coumbia University. The Tehran University was a late entrant to the bidding process, and yet seems to have closed the deal. Close Obama friend, Martin Nesbitt was charged with overseeing the bidding process, and announced that
“Tehran University put together the most comprehensive package, committing to a very generous capital investment and a strong commitment to developing future programming. The library will be a monument to Obama’s eight years in office, and the base from which he will launch future initiatives”.
While the costs for a domestic site were estimated around $500 million, the Tehran University site is expected to cost almost double that, provided economic sanctions are lifted before construction begins. These figures would ensure that the library would be the most expensive in history. “TU committed to a number that blew all the domestic sites right out of the water”, noted Nesbitt’s assistant Daniel Hader, “they have the means and the will to ensure the Obama Presidential Library will be a proper monument to this great man”. The University will also sponsor the Barack H. Obama School of International Relations, Diplomacy, and Ethics, the first school of its kind in the nation. With TU funding most of the construction,additional fundraising efforts will largely support programming and maintenance of the library. The fundraising arm of the Foundation has collected almost $5 million this year. These funds will be forwarded to the new team in Tehran, which will coordinate fundraising with both Foundation and University donor lists, hoping to ensure an effort that will fund programming and activities for generations to come.
An unidentified source has leaked the content of new terms demanded by the Iranian delegation in the ongoing nuclear talks being held in Switzerland. In addition to a demand of front-loading the elimination of economic sanctions, Iran is adding a rider that would require a new 16-ounce bowl of green m&m’s on the Ayatollah’s desk each morning, and a high quality digital recording of Secretary of State John F. Kerry singing “You’ve Got A Friend”.
Amid growing unrest, Iran’s Supreme Election Authority will recount certain ballot boxes to investigate allegations of voter fraud. I’m certain that they’ll pick the equivalent of recounting Massachusetts in a presidential election, but they’ll try to appease the growing mobs and the West. It is unclear how many lawyers have been dispatched to address the issue, or if Jimmy Carter had endorsed the election as fair.
Popular science has an article listing the best ways to follow the protests without the interference of ‘state media’, or even conventional American media (Twitter, Facebook, YouTube, websites, etc.). See what’s actually happening on the ground.
Got some pesky dictatorship that wants to be a nuclear power in order to wipe another nation off the map? Simple! Invite the rogues to a Fourth of July BBQ! The new and improved diplomacy team at Obamamart, with it’s trademarked ‘Smart Diplomacy’, has issued a directive to ‘invite Iranians to the festivities’ (don’t go out of your way to invite Israelis or British). Generally, American embassies around the world hold celebrations of July 4th, and they’ve been authorized to invite the Iranians for a cookout. Nothing says ‘we respect you and your quest for nuclear power’ like hot dogs and hamburgers, and maybe some potato salad. Do they have watermelon in the Middle East? It is a little known fact that during the summer of 1979, the American embassy in Tehran had a little cookout, and invited the locals to attend. Since the Shah had been exiled since January of that year, and Iran had just voted to become an Islamic Republic, and approved a theocratic constitution, the embassy wanted to welcome the new Iranian leader, the Ayatollah Khomeini. The experience didn’t so go well, with scantily clad female embassy employees serving hot dogs of questionable origins, spicy pork ribs, while drinking beer throughout the day. We all know what happened in November of that year. Maybe this time will be different!