Tag Archives: Homeland Security

BREAKING: TSA to offer Pap Test in addition to Mammograms during Security Check

Washington: Department of Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano today announced a new program that will enable female commercial flyers to receive a Pap Smear in addition to the Mammogram they already receive as a part of new airport security measures implemented by the Transportation Safety Administration. Secretary Napolitano noted that “this is only a baby step for cross-agency cooperation for the betterment of our country’s health and security.  It’s a grand day for women’s health in America!”.  Secretary Napolitano was unsure if the new health measures would be in place for the Thanksgiving travel period, typically the busiest travel period of the year in America.

The Papanicolaou Test (“Pap” for short) is an internal exam that collects cells from a woman’s cervix with a special tool, and enables doctors to evaluate pre-cancerous or cancerous conditions.  The Mammogram, of course, is an  external testbreast designed to identify potential pre-cancerous irregularities.

Although many details have yet to be worked out (co-payments, medical records, inaccurate results), Vice President Joe Biden gave the new program an enthusiastic response while visiting a stimulus-funded new sidewalk in a vacant Detroit neighborhood. He said “Whoah, that’s great – we’re combining health care with security, wow, that’s a big f@*%ing deal! ” When Biden was asked if he would want his family to be subjected to the newly enhanced security/health procedures, he replied “Hell, no – I don’t even want my family to get that Swine Flu vaccine. I’ll stick to taking the train, thank you very much!”

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BREAKING: Napolitano Adds KFC to National Security Threat Report

Secretary of the Department of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano today added Kentucky Fried Chicken, and its soon-to-be-launched “Double Down” sandwich to her National Security Threat Analysis Document. KFC is unveiling its “Double Down” sandwich on Monday, and the federal government is ready and waiting. The sandwich boasts “two white-meat chicken filets – “Original Recipe” or grilled – wrapped around two pieces of bacon, two melted slices of Monterey Jack and pepper jack cheese, and the Colonel’s sauce”. That’s right – it’s a sandwich that uses fried chicken instead of bread! Napolitano, after having met with health professionals from Harvard University, and First Lady Michelle Obama, added the company and its new creation to the threat list for several reasons:

 a) the sandwich is hideously oversized, and millions of patrons are bound to be choked by it – especially the children.

b) the sandwich contains almost 600 calories, which is completely unnecessary, when people could be eating pre-screened fruit.

c) the sandwich’s salt content is “through the roof“, with more than 2/3 of recommended daily intake for those under 45, and the “entire allowance for those over 45 or with hypertension and blacks”.  It is in fact, a dangerous sandwich with a racial preference for severe heath ramifications.

d) the sandwich tested very positively by voting districts with significant Tea Party activity, lending to its apparently racist nature.

e) the overall social impact may cause obesity, high blood pressure, heart attack, stroke, choking, and other maladies that may prevent people from serving in our military, or in other government-run programs that promote the common good.  The sandwich may also cause dramatic rises in health costs to the American public that have nothing to do with recent legislation.  Really.

Secretary Napolitano will be keeping close tabs on sales of the sandwich, and may require that KFC track the individuals that purchase the sandwiches, so future healthcare claims can be denied due to irresponsible behavior, and whether parents should face disciplinary action for providing the sandwiches to minors.  Stay tuned.

BREAKING: Tilikum on no-fly list since 2001

WASHINGTON, DC: Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano confirmed that Tilikum, the killer whale under investigation for a murder at Sea World, has been under surveillance since 1998, and has been on the “no-fly” list since 2001.