Tag Archives: Government

BREAKING: SENATE IDENTIFIES NEVADA AS “BORDER” STATE

WASHINGTON: The Senate, in passing the latest bogus amendment to its comprehensive Immigration Bill, has identified the state of Nevada as being a “border” state, which gives it equal sway to other conventional border states with respect to immigration enforcement and guidelines, etc.  Elementary school children across the country will return to school in the Fall, very confused as to the new mapping of the western United States, but if the Senate says it is so, it must be true.  They are smarter than all of us. If enacted, the CBO estimates that the Immigration Bill will spur $12 million of growth in the map re-printing sector.

Finance Wizards in the Senate Vote to Throw $11B to Post Office

The whiz-bang financial analysts of the United States Senate approved a measure that would give the Postal Service $11B (that’s Billion with a “B”), freeze most facilities closings that were planned to reduce costs, along with implementation of 5-day delivery. For the first time ever, I have to side with the Postmaster General on this issue:

“It is totally inappropriate in these economic times to keep unneeded facilities open. There is simply not enough mail in our system today,” the Postal Service’s board of governors said in a statement. “It is also inappropriate to delay the implementation of five-day delivery.”

This is coming from the guy who’s captain of the sinking ship, and throwing a life-preserver isn’t going to help this vessel – plugging holes and bailing is a better course. In fact, the Senate bill explicitly prohibits the USPS from making most of its cost-cutting measures for YEARS to come:

The Senate bill would halt the immediate closing of up to 252 mail-processing centers and 3,700 post offices, part of a postal cost-cutting plan to save some $6.5 billion a year. Donahoe previously said he would begin making cuts after May 15 if Congress didn’t act, warning that the agency could run out of money this fall.

The measure would save about half the mail processing centers the Postal Service wants to close, from 252 to 125, allowing more areas to maintain overnight first-class mail delivery for at least three more years. It also would bar any shutdowns before the November elections, protect rural post offices for at least a year, give affected communities new avenues to appeal closing decisions and forbid cuts to Saturday delivery for two years.

Got that?  The Senate wants to spend $11B this year to prevent the USPS from saving at least $6.5B every year, and start paring down its operation.  Since the Post Office is a creation of the Legislature, they require its authority to do anything, even save money.  Where the hell does this $11B come from, anyway?  The USPS reminds us on its website that

The Postal Service receives NO tax dollars for operating expenses and relies on the sale of postage, products and services to fund its operations. We are required by law to cover our costs.

Unless Congress says so. I smell election-year hijinks and 500,000 solid Democratic votes.  There are a nice bunch of Postal employees in swing states  according to workforce size by state listings. California, New York, and Texas are the states with the largest postal workforce, but filling in behind is : #4 Florida: 32,000, #6 Pennsylvania 27,600, #7 Ohio: 22,300, : #10 North Carolina 15,200 ,and  #12: Virginia 15,300. Interesting. It remains to be seen what the House of Representatives does with this next.

BREAKING: Napolitano Adds KFC to National Security Threat Report

Secretary of the Department of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano today added Kentucky Fried Chicken, and its soon-to-be-launched “Double Down” sandwich to her National Security Threat Analysis Document. KFC is unveiling its “Double Down” sandwich on Monday, and the federal government is ready and waiting. The sandwich boasts “two white-meat chicken filets – “Original Recipe” or grilled – wrapped around two pieces of bacon, two melted slices of Monterey Jack and pepper jack cheese, and the Colonel’s sauce”. That’s right – it’s a sandwich that uses fried chicken instead of bread! Napolitano, after having met with health professionals from Harvard University, and First Lady Michelle Obama, added the company and its new creation to the threat list for several reasons:

 a) the sandwich is hideously oversized, and millions of patrons are bound to be choked by it – especially the children.

b) the sandwich contains almost 600 calories, which is completely unnecessary, when people could be eating pre-screened fruit.

c) the sandwich’s salt content is “through the roof“, with more than 2/3 of recommended daily intake for those under 45, and the “entire allowance for those over 45 or with hypertension and blacks”.  It is in fact, a dangerous sandwich with a racial preference for severe heath ramifications.

d) the sandwich tested very positively by voting districts with significant Tea Party activity, lending to its apparently racist nature.

e) the overall social impact may cause obesity, high blood pressure, heart attack, stroke, choking, and other maladies that may prevent people from serving in our military, or in other government-run programs that promote the common good.  The sandwich may also cause dramatic rises in health costs to the American public that have nothing to do with recent legislation.  Really.

Secretary Napolitano will be keeping close tabs on sales of the sandwich, and may require that KFC track the individuals that purchase the sandwiches, so future healthcare claims can be denied due to irresponsible behavior, and whether parents should face disciplinary action for providing the sandwiches to minors.  Stay tuned.

Women Crushed Under More than Healthcare Decisions

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First Lady Michelle Obama described how women are “crushed” under the current health system (don’t be confused with being “constricted” by that weird belt she had on). Women are the ones that choose their family’s doctors, women make the appointments, and women provide the follow-up on care for their family members.  She stressed the point that women are largely responsible for healthcare decisions in their families, and that they are overburdened with these duties.  Healthcare reform would empower these women by simplifying the decisions to be made for herself or her family.  “Women are the ones to do it”. Mrs. Obama also proposed that we also implement reform in the following segments of our society, in addition to the dreadful healthcare industry, that are also currently “crushing” the women in our nation with so many choices and options:

Greeting cards & gifts: recent surveys showed that 9 out of 10 women are responsible for keeping track of birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, etc., and are also responsible for procuring appropriate greeting cards and thoughtful gifts for the entire family and close friends. This cannot go on.

School Committees & Activities: 6 out of 10 women surveyed are involved in at least one school activity or committee, with participation required at least twice per month. Women are also expected to make costumes, cook for school bake sales and activities, and participate in non-formal school fundraising.  Please make it stop.

Grocery & Sundries: 9 out of 10 women surveyed provide all food and sundry procurement services for their home, including meal planning, nutritional analysis, economy analysis, and delivery.  They also clean out the fridge on some periodic basis when their ungrateful family doesn’t eat what they’ve procured.  This is slowly killing our nation’s women.

As we can see, women suffer on virtually every level of their lives, and it is time to stop dragging our feet on enacting true change that will benefit a huge segment of our great nation.  Please  –  contact your representatives today to unburden our nation’s women.  Having all these choices and responsibilities is really crushing us, and we’ve been hoping and waiting for meaningful change to come.

Yeah, the government should totally run our health care system….

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….they are such good record-keepers!  In the latest drama to unfold in the Cranky Family, an Uncle passed away after fighting cancer for years, enduring tons of treatments and lots of pain. Uncle was a veteran of the US Navy, and received medical coverage from the Veteran’s Administration (with all its warts) for the past 35 years. He passed away in a local hospice, and is awaiting his final rest. Oh, but there is no rest, you see. The plan was to bury him in a veteran’s cemetery, but in the process, we and the funeral home have found that there is no record of Uncle in the military. It seems that this could indicate that he was dishonorably discharged or something, or it could be just an honest error somewhere along the way. But wait, the government has been Uncle’s primary medical provider for the last 35 years, and nobody has ever refused treatment because they could not find the records. Curious. So they know enough about him to spend tons of money on surgery and cancer treatments, but not enough to bury him in a veteran’s cemetery.  Who knows what the real deal is? The family is working on alternate arrangements, since it seems the issue will be resolved with the efficiency we all expect from multiple governmental agencies (except for those that actually take your money – the IRS knows all about you, for sure!), and that simply won’t provide timely closure for the grieving family.  Sadly, it’s only a matter of time before Uncle is called for federal jury duty, is audited, or starts receiving Social Security checks.  He may even continue to vote in several more elections.

No worries; Health Care Reform will be Keen!

BREAKING: FEDS MAY TAKE YOUR NYQUIL

So the government is changing the rules on light bulbs, then it says Cheerios are a drug, then they decide that the FDA should regulate cigarettes (?), then they’re busying themselves with ‘Cap and Trade’ legislation to help even out cow farts and electricity generation,  but NOW the government is talking about pulling combination cold medicines like NYQUIL off the shelves!  What the hell????  Manufacturers could lose hundreds of millions of dollars a year – but why worry about that, when there are hundreds of morons who don’t read the directions to over-the-counter medications, and end up in emergency rooms or dead?   Don’t worry, you’ll still be able to buy cigarettes, but not that dangerous Nyquil.  When you feel like crap, but still have to show up at your job, or still take care of the kids, all you have left at the end of the day is a big slug of NYQUIL to help you get to sleep and get better.  The ads are true – it’s the sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy-head, fever, so you can rest medicine.  PLEASE don’t take that away.  I’m off to the CVS right now to stock up on Nyquil and regular light bulbs.  God help us.

Stimulus doesn’t work on dead people

A Baltimore woman received a Social Security stimulus check for $250 this week.  She probably won’t spend it to fuel the economy, because she has been dead for 40 years.  Her 83-year old son opened the mail and was surprised and shocked by what he found.  Don’t worry, though, the Social Security Administration has it covered:

Social Security representatives said there is a good explanation. Of the about 52 million checks that have been mailed out, about 10,000 of those have been sent to people who are deceased.

 

The agency blames the error on the strict mid-June deadline of mailing out all of the checks, which didn’t leave officials much time to clean up all of their records.

 

Agents ask that people return the check if they receive it.

Our government can’t be expected to clean up 40 years of Social Security records in a few short months!  The administration came into office with such a disaster on its hands, that it’s amazing that any checks went out at all! I personally blame George Bush for the whole fiasco.  The administration has left everyone with this reminder, if they happen to receive a check for a dead or non-existent person:

Social Security officials said they aren’t expecting to lose too much money to fraud. They’re reminding the public that it’s a federal offense to cash someone else’s Social Security check.

There you have it – the new government motto is “We don’t have to be careful, because if you act on our incompetence, YOU’LL go to jail!”. Good times.

BREAKING: Government Bails out NFL

In yet another swift flex of its sinewy economic muscle, the Obama Administration today announced its latest measure to counteract the near-depression-era gloom and negativity currently experienced in the United States.  Effective today, the federal government has purchased a sixty percent stake in the National Football League and its 32 member franchises.  The announcement is unusual in that in contains a level of program details that has not been associated with previous, more substantial, broader-reaching plans.

The National Football League (NFL) will hereby be renamed the People’s Football League (PFL) as the first action of the  $276 billion “Professional Sports Belong to All Americans” program.  The President is confident that now is an opportune time to take dramatic steps to ensure the PFL continues to be the high-achieving, socially responsible, thriving organization we know today, securing that goal well into the future.

First, ticket prices will rise by 35% at all venues. A yet undetermined portion of the ticket increase will fund a new program offering psychological counseling for those fans unable to afford renewal of their season tickets.  Fans that are able to continue renewal will pay the 35% increase, as well as the new FAT CAT (Federal Adjustable Tax for Citizens with AsseTs) tax of 15% per ticket.  No less than 30% of a venue’s seating will be allocated to people who ordinarily would not be able to afford a ticket to a game.  Ticket agents will receive $2 per ticket for the specially allocated seating, and will receive 125% of the ticket price for unsold tickets.  Participation in the newly dubbed ‘Disenfranchised Fan’ seating will be based on written statement of hardship, with specific requirements to be determined. The administration is confident that access to previously out of reach football games for over two million fans each year will raise the collective American consciousness to a positive level, even though the economy is in utter shambles. This part of the bailout is budgeted at $66 billion for the first two years.

The administration also announced that part of the bailout will include infrastructure projects for each franchise to build upon the Stimulus Package’s momentum of saving or creating an unknown number of jobs. PFL franchise stadiums that currently have artificial turf will be converted to sod-based real grass, and those that currently have real grass will be converted to artificial turf.  The administration defends this part of the program from ‘make-work project’ critics by citing the fact that “thirty-two major American cities will benefit from the economic burst of activity by dozens of turf managers and their support staff”.  This portion of the bailout is slated for $122 billion to be spent starting in 2011, depending on the outcome of interim elections.  Parking fees at venues will be determined by make and model of vehicle, but details have not been finalized.

Concessions offerings will differ under the new league guidelines.  Meat-based products will no longer be offered, out of respect for those with health or religious-based dietary restrictions, and out of utter contempt for the meat industry that gravely threatens the Earth and our very survival as a species.  The stadium caterers will offer many delicious soy-based treats, like the ‘Stimulus Sausage’ (it looks and smells like pork, without the taste and appetite fulfillment of a real sausage), ‘Bailout Burger’ (socially responsible miniature soy patty with an oversize bun), and ‘HopeandChange Chili’ (corn-based chili mildly seasoned so as not to offend).  Beer will continue to be available at all venues, with a 20% price increase, and $2 greenhouse gas surcharge per cup.  All pro shop merchandise will be contracted to Chinese manufacturers, a nod to America’s most important trading partner.  These goods will be sold with a carbon offset fee to account for increased transportation costs.

Next, the bailout requires that each team accept a number of “troubled players” to provide a more equitable competitive environment in the league.  The players could be tagged as ‘troubled’ by being injured, suspended for violations of any kind, or simply be underperformers with or without respect to their bloated salaries. This year, for example, the entire Detroit Lions (ostensibly a team of under-performers at any salary) would be allocated in equal ratios across all teams, while receiving high-performing players to take their places. Spreading the troubled players across the league ensures more equitable exposure to potential game losses, as well as potential legal risks.

While no rule changes are in the offing, the points awarded after scoring touchdowns will be adjusted to emphasize competition and fairness to all teams.  After scoring a touchdown, teams will be awarded points on a sliding scale based on the average number of points the team scored in the previous 30 games.  For example, using data from the 2008 season alone, the New Orleans Saints scored a league-high 29 points per game, while the Cincinnati Bengals scored only 19 points on average.  Based on the proposed point allocation model, a head-to-head match up between these two teams would award minus two (-2) points per touchdown made by the Saints, while the Bengals would be awarded 13 points per touchdown.  Field goals, extra points, conversions, and safetys would continue with existing point conventions.  Analysts assure us that the new measures will enable closer game scores, and will inspire more fans to attend games or watch from home, and will not curb the competition between teams.  Broadcast contract details have not been finalized.

Finally, the administration will take this opportunity to change many of the franchise team names in redress for decades of insensitivity to scores of Americans.  All teams having insensitive animal names (14 teams) will change their names to a name on a pre-approved list of new team names.  Insiders have leaked that the list contains inoffensive plant and earth element names (Tree, Rock, Leaf, Pine Cone, ACORN) .  The complete list has not yet been published.  The most odious team names: Saints, Redskins, and Chiefs will immediately be changed to Hope, Change, and Transparency, respectively.  Team names that reflect the backwards-thinking greed and carbon-lusting capitalist attitudes that got us into all this trouble (Radiers, Buccaneers, Packers, Texans, Cowboys, Jets, Steelers, Vikings, Chargers, Bills, and 49ers) will be changed during a joint session of Congress next week.  Finally,the Patriots and Browns will also be renamed in Congress next week, because we are ALL patriots, and ‘Browns’ in just plain racist.