THIS IS A PAID ADVERTISEMENT
Do you have a son in Middle or High School who could use a little more guidance, attention, and motivation when doing his homework? Are you a busy working parent in search of affordable, reliable assistance? Hooters has heard your call, and is ready to answer! We are proud to introduce Hooters Tooters (™) to the Boston area!
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Your area Hooters Tooters (™) are experts at motivating young men to do their best work! Each Hooters Tooter is specifically selected for each of the academic subjects, and are guaranteed to have fulfilled advanced high school or college level requirements in each area. An on-line Hooters Tooters (™) photo and credential listing will be available on September 1st to help you decide which of our wonderful Hooters Tooters (™) is best for you!
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Hooters Tooters (™) may be scheduled for one-hour blocks in the comfort of your own home within a 50 mile radius of a Hooters location (see website for a location near you). We ask that you schedule no more than five hours per week, and that you select only one subject area per session. Hooters Tooters (™) charges $75 per hour (includes a delicious meal, tutoring assistance, and fabulous motivation). All major credit cards are accepted; gratuity not included. Scheduling begins September 1st!
..and more like sensitivity training, or indoctrination of some kind, but certainly not education. Maybe this will be a weekly feature.
High school teen in Florida suspended for disarming a fellow student. He did not follow the “do nothing, be a victim” program that your intellectual superiors would prefer.
A third-grader in Michigan had his birthday cupcakes with plastic army men on them taken away for being insensitive. HOW THE HELL DID THOSE CUPCAKES GET PAST SECURITY INTO A PUBLIC SCHOOL???
A second-grader in Maryland was suspended for two days for fashioning an obviously realistic-looking handgun out of a pop tart, and pretend shooting with his pretend gun. NEWS FLASH: little boys will make anything into a gun: plastic silverware, paper bags, dryer lint, crayons, pinecones, those little baby carrots I put in their lunches, etc.
New York City high school students require a lot of remedial help in order to function in community college. How many? Oh, just around 80% of them. The NYC Board of Education boasts a 40% increase in graduation rates over the last 7 years, and claims that the number needing remedial help has dropped around a half a point. NYC schools are budgeted for around $8 billion per year. You do the math.
Finally, there is a big snowstorm in the Boston area today, and many people are upset that the City of Boston did not cancel school. Thousands of children were absent today, but school officials have announced that children not in school today will be marked “constructively present”. I am sure they were home doing extra math problems, or science fair experiments or something equally “constructive”. No bonus if you actually showed up to school today.
WASHINGTON – Last week’s release of the Justice Department’s white paper containing the Obama administration’s legal justifications for carrying out assassinations by armed drones has been found to contain a vaguely worded sub-section that suggests drone program expansion into civilian areas. The paper says that the program could include surveillance of “elementary school-level students, whether citizens or not, when outside the confines of the primary school structure; deployment of such drones could supplement or replace personnel responsible for child safety and welfare. Program details could include reading personal data from student microchip implants (program separately implemented and justified by Justice Department white paper #JDW32-888-46HY7)”. With schools facing staffing and financial pressures, the drones could be a blessing, compliments of the Federal Government. For years, teacher’s unions have been trying to eliminate what they consider extracurricular duties such as recess and lunch duty. Drones could potentially eliminate such duties so that teachers could focus on what they claim to do best: teach! Parent volunteers are also relieved – though most parent volunteers anonymously confess that they sign up for recess duty to keep an eye on their own children, they really just gab with the other parents while chaos rules the playground. Drones might not be able to break up an argument over the swings, but surveillance technology has advanced such that certain types of physical activities could be identified as appropriate/not appropriate, and images of offenders could be sent to a single playground monitor, or recorded for future disciplinary use. Audio technology can also keep track of conversation on the playground, flagging specific words and phrases for further scrutiny as is done when monitoring terrorist “chatter” over telephones and the internet. No public school has yet gone on record as having requested participation in the expanded program.
Here in the affluent suburbs, it is almost time for the fourth-graders to go on their big, 3-day educational expedition an hour or so away. The program requires a certain number of parent chaperones, but the guidelines are pretty clear as to behavioral expectations. Strictly prohibited by chaperones are:
-drinking on or off the camp site
-use of tobacco or other drugs
-bringing a pet
-use of foul/inappropriate language
-physical interventions with students for disciplinary measures
Wow – they actually have to spell this out here in the ‘burbs. I don’t see firearms, religious texts, or peanuts on the prohibited list, so I guess I can apply.
Oops – incorrect punctuation there (and I think I was supposed to use a dash, not a hyphen). As usual, I didn’t get my cards mailed out on time, so I’m wishing all of you a superior Punctuation Day right now! Find out how to celebrate on the official National Punctuation Day website. If your kids ask you what the heck punctuation is, please go to another room and weep quietly.
Update: Apparently Matt Drudge didn’t get the memo. Hey, why isn’t New York overrun by ‘bed bugs’?
Yes, I had to look up all but one word of the headline. Kavya Shivashankar of Kansas took home the $30k and gigantic trophy last night in a nail-biter in the 16th round of semifinalist play. The other two remaining spellers made errors in round 15, causing a round 16 that required Kavya to spell her word correctly to end the competition (pursuant to the now-famous Rule 12 of the bee). As a side note, the statistics about the entrants are pretty interesting (three nine-year-olds competed!). ‘A list of things thrown five minutes agohas a great blog from the whole contest. Now I feel intellectually inferior and am ordering the biggest, baddest dictionary available from Amazon.com.