The Hallmark Channel is close to receiving approvals from the State Department to produce a heartwarming, feel-good movie about the happy, diplomatic resolution to yesterday’s interaction between the Iranian and US Navies. According to State sources, the US Naval vessels were straying into Iranian waters as a result of some sort of mechanical failure. The Iranian Navy provided mechanical assistance (and even checked out the American communications equipment for good measure), kept the sailors warm and safe (to include a hijab for the female sailor), and provided overnight accommodations (the hummus was reportedly out of this world), before sending them on their way. State also added that there were unconfirmed reports of hugs exchanged before the US vessels got back underway. It is unknown whether the piece would include portrayal of the potential disciplinary action for those American sailors who were clearly in the wrong.
“Our viewers look forward to schmaltzy stories of new found friendships and dramatic changes of heart ; we make a lot of money making up stories in that vein, but producing a story based on a real-life event would be a big win for us” said Barry Heart, Senior Executive of Production.
The two-hour special will highlight the new environment of cooperation between the two previously at-odds nations, and how diplomacy and civilized discourse can solve any problem. Hallmark expects to receive approval from the State Department this week. The production would be slated to air in mid or late October.
This week the ladies show their serious side by worrying about the recent crime wave in Dubai: obscene gestures while driving and questionable handshakes; they discuss whether or not car seats will ever be required by law in the kingdom; the ladies figure out how to download two books recently banned by the Committee for the Prevention of Vice and Promotion of Virtue .
When times are tough, and they surely are, it is always nice to lose yourself in a Sunday afternoon football game. Not the high school or college kind, but the big leagues, the pros. A simple thing, really, watching our premiere American professional sport on the big screen TV that apparently everyone in America can afford. No cancellations for weather, pure physical aggression and competition, awesome beer commercials (with a sprinkling of Viagra – kids, go get mommy another beer). Right? Well, sorta. A number of rule changes and social developments have really diluted the true nature of the game, such that eventually my kids will play a more exciting game at recess. (Scratch that – there will be no recess, either).
1) Super-detailed list of illegal blocks – of course safety is an issue, but I am guessing that learning the specifics of these rules is a tough sell for these guys who probably did not take their own SATs, or any college exams for that matter. Oh, and the referees will surely be able to identify all the criteria in real-time to determine if said illegal blocks take place. They cannot consistently call pass interference with any kind of accuracy.
2) Weather delays – is there such a thing? Nobody doesn’t like watching those late fall games on the real grass fields that are muddy, and snowy, and a total mess. It is kind of primal – and a nostalgic look at how all these stadiums used to look – crappy, messed up grass and all. The NFL opened the season with two games delayed to weather. Because, you know, there has never been “weather” on game day. Full stadiums of people sat waiting (“sheltering in place”, maybe?) until the recess monitor at the NFL gave the “all-clear”.
3) Anti-taunting policy – the precious snowflakes that are professional football players cannot be taunted or teased. Scored a touchdown? Great, head to the sideline and write about it in your diary, just don’t you dare spike the football, flex your hulk muscles, salute, dance, shout, or even be that mime in the invisible box. Shut your pie hole and move along. You are not so special. Maybe this was done to set an example, but gosh, don’t we encourage our kids to celebrate with high-fives and fist-bumps, even occasional chest bumps. All the kids I know have their own touchdown dance. And they don’t even play football. If they changed the name of the penalty to “Anti-bullying” then everyone would be on board. That is a different conversation altogether.
4) Team name sensitivity – here’s what really gets me. Even in the NFL, Roger Goodell has succumbed to the “if one person is offended, we have to listen”. Are you sure about that, Bob? Cuz I am offended at the boner-medication ads that persist during broadcasts of NFL games, and I don’t see you doing anything about it. An erection lasting longer than five hours??? Color me offended. But don’t put on a firearms commercial during the Super Bowl, because I might be offended at that, too. I am offended that there are dozens of convicted felons and domestic abusers in the NFL, that usually don’t lose their jobs for these offenses (Aaron Hernandez notwithstanding). Ridiculous.
5) Incessant Bureaucratic Fines and Off-Field Rule Enforcement – the NFL is looking a lot like the IRS lately, with a focus on fining players, coaches, and organizations for non-compliance of the seemingly endless list of rules. A weapons charge won’t get you dropped from a team, but God help you if you wear an Addidas t-shirt to practice were people can see you, because the contract is with Reebok, dammit!!!! I especially love when players blow off media interviews and are fined for it, or they show up and get fined for what they say. Players should get bonuses to NOT talk to the press. It’s win-win for the NFL, even if the fines aren’t really all that important to the players, dollar-wise. Stupid, stupid, stupid to turn everything into fines (you know, like the Government does).
Think to the future – when Madden 2016 is released, it will look like a game from 1982 Colecovision pitting the Carolina Climate Change versus the New Jersey Springtime (sounds like a brand name of feminine hygiene product): no player individualism (specific names and numbers only), only politically correct team names included, six legal blocks remain in the game, and a rigorous real-life penalty version that will make Pong popular again (“Your quarterback wore an unapproved brand of t-shirt to practice one day this week, so he has been fined and suspended, please choose another quarterback!”) . To their credit, at least the NFL doesn’t have the insipid caring program that the NBA does” The NBA, Where Caring Happens”. Basketball will be covered in a separate item.
… not the made-up names some joker put on the air at KTVU-TV last week! Asiana airlines attorney Siu Yu has announced that the airline will sue the news station in San Francisco because it
“damaged the airline’s reputation by using bogus and racially offensive names for four pilots on a plane that crashed earlier this month in San Francisco.”
The network has since blamed an intern identified as Sum Yung Gai (who has since been released) for the error, because, you know, summer interns generally run a major city’s news broadcast while on break during their sophomore year of college. And nobody ever checks their work, especially if they are going to a really good school, which is the only place a top-notch news station like KTVU would ever consider hiring. See the epic footage of the bogus names, and the carefully-pronunciating anchor reporting those unusual names (which are obviously Chinese, not Korean!):
Alec Baldwin flipped whatever lid he has left, and ripped into a British reporter for reporting (gasp!) that his wife, Hilaria (truly her name) was tweeting/texting during James Gandolfini’s funeral. Well she was, right? To my knowledge, reporting that someone was “tweeting” is not a euphemism for something nasty or inappropriate. Just a fact. As of this writing, Baldwin has gone through about seven different Twitter accounts, and has lost zero endorsements (Capital One are you even listening?). Paula Deen has lost almost all of hers immediately for self-reported bad word 30 years ago, and Aaron Hernandez had a brief delay before being dropped by Puma, you know, because he’s charged with MURDER.
This week, Food Network terminated its contract with southern chef Paula Deen, after learning that she said the “n-word” decades ago, in private conversations, and something about inappropriate jokes being told in one or more of her restaurants. This obviously makes her some kind of racist monster who should be ostracized from society and stripped entirely of any positive image and material wealth. The Cranky Mommy has learned, however, that this is the tip of the proverbial iceberg as far as controversial lingo is concerned. A quick search of Food Network’s website indicates that Paula routinely uses the word “cracker”, “brown sugar”, and “meatball” in her craft. Additionally, black walnuts, dark rum, and dark meats of all kinds are used habitually in well-publicized recipes. She has produced television segments for Bananas Foster, Tennessee-Banana Black Walnut Cake, Sugar Ray’s Body Blow Ribs (Sugar Ray Leonard did not endorse this recipe), Douglas’ Dark Rum Pecan Pie (Douglas was reportedly the African-American janitor on set), and Aunt Peggy’s Praline Cheesecake (Deen’s Aunt Peggy was reportedly a homophobic, racist bitch in her own right); all of these recipes clearly code-words for oppression and degradation of African-Americans. Production team members could not be reached for comment, but more bombshells surely await.
New this week on BRAVO – Lulu and Darlene get lost in the woods behind their trailer after taking too much Oxycodone. Betty Sue enters her famous “Opossum Oreo Cookie Cake” in the regional Pillsbury Bake-Off. Cletus finds a mysterious toilet on the front porch next to the one that is usually there.
The ladies’ favorite lingerie shop is closed because it had male employees, so Fatima tries to get a job to help it re-open, but cannot get the required permission from her husband. Religious police mistake hirsute friend Aliyah for a man and is arrested for being in a lingerie shop. Ladies are excited to go to a book fair with their husbands though they will use separate entrances and sit in separate areas. The ladies discuss the cleanliness of their breasts after reading remarks by the Prime Minister of Egypt.
BREAKING: Oscar host Seth MacFarlane’s “We Saw Your Boobs” song has broken iTunes download records previously set by Adele’s “Skyfall” debut earlier this year.