Category Archives: Sports

Come on in! The water is fine!

JAN 13TH – More great news for athletes competing in sailing, open-water swimming, and triathlon at the Olympics in Rio de Janeiro in August:  dead fish and garbage!  Officials are investigating and aren’t too worried, because the fish were likely dumped from trawlers due to their low commercial value.  The trash is just, well, plain old floating trash.  They will report back in five days with their water analysis.  I’d get caught up on all my shots, is all I’m saying.

UPDATE: Haven’t heard anything from Brazilian officials, so I’m sure the tests came back fine.  Commence selling all that crappy Rio Olympic merchandise!

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If they work as well as the bathrooms in Sochi, I’d be wary…

“100,000 Condoms available to Sochi Olympians

Russian Olympic Bathroom Etiquette

I’m hanging this up in both bathrooms of MY house. I am sick and tired of the kids fishing in my toilets, and whatever it is that last picture is supposed to be.  Is the stick man shooting up drugs next to a toilet?   I guess even illicit behavior in the vicinity of a toilet will clog it in Russia.  If it’s good enough for the Olympics, it is good enough for my house – Cranky Children be warned!  All the nonsense depicted on this poster better stop!  Pronto!

Hey, wait a minute: NFL Cheerleaders Just Now Figuring Out They Work for Very Little Money, and Boy are They Mad!

You mean you can’t support a family of four cheer-leading for the Oakland Raiders? No way!  They work more hours than they are paid for? Shut up! You say you get fined for not having the appropriate equipment for your job? Dude!  Read the article,it is a little bit sad. They get paid $1200 bucks or so per season for looking hot and cheering.  Pretty soon the President will step in on this “war on women” issue, and require full benefits and free pom-poms for all female cheerladies. Look – if you are not getting paid what you are owed, then that’s wrong.  If you didn’t bother to read your employment contract, or you took a job that pays shitty because it is really kind of a hobby than a vocation, then bad on you.  This just in: there are plenty of ladies who will cheer for free. I’m just saying.

The Pussification of the NFL Continues

When times are tough, and they surely are, it is always nice to lose yourself in a Sunday afternoon football game. Not the high school or college kind, but the big leagues, the pros. A simple thing, really, watching our premiere American professional sport on the big screen TV that apparently everyone in America can afford. No cancellations for weather, pure physical aggression and competition, awesome beer commercials (with a sprinkling of Viagra – kids, go get mommy another beer). Right? Well, sorta. A number of rule changes and social developments have really diluted the true nature of the game, such that eventually my kids will play a more exciting game at recess.  (Scratch that – there will be no recess, either).

1) Super-detailed list of illegal blocks – of course safety is an issue, but I am guessing that learning the specifics of these rules is a tough sell for these guys who probably did not take their own SATs, or any college exams for that matter.  Oh, and the referees will surely be able to identify all the criteria in real-time to determine if said illegal blocks take place.  They cannot consistently call pass interference with any kind of accuracy.

2) Weather delays – is there such a thing?  Nobody doesn’t like watching those late fall games on the real grass fields that are muddy, and snowy, and a total mess.  It is kind of primal – and a nostalgic look at how all these stadiums used to look – crappy, messed up grass and all. The NFL opened the season with two games delayed to weather.  Because, you know, there has never been “weather” on game day.  Full stadiums of people sat waiting (“sheltering in place”, maybe?) until the recess monitor at the NFL gave the “all-clear”.

3) Anti-taunting policy – the precious snowflakes that are professional football players cannot be taunted or teased.  Scored a touchdown? Great, head to the sideline and write about it in your diary, just don’t you dare spike the football, flex your hulk muscles, salute, dance, shout, or even be that mime in the invisible box.  Shut your pie hole and move along.  You are not so special.  Maybe this was done to set an example, but gosh, don’t we encourage our kids to celebrate with high-fives and fist-bumps, even occasional chest bumps.  All the kids I know have their own touchdown dance.  And they don’t even play football. If they changed the name of the penalty to “Anti-bullying” then everyone would be on board.  That is a different conversation altogether.

4) Team name sensitivity – here’s what really gets me.  Even in the NFL, Roger Goodell has succumbed to the “if one person is offended, we have to listen”.  Are you sure about that, Bob?  Cuz I am offended at the boner-medication ads that persist during broadcasts of NFL games, and I don’t see you doing anything about it.  An erection lasting longer than five hours???  Color me offended.  But don’t put on a firearms commercial during the Super Bowl, because I might be offended at that, too.  I am offended that there are dozens of convicted felons and domestic abusers in the NFL, that usually don’t lose their jobs for these offenses (Aaron Hernandez notwithstanding). Ridiculous.

5) Incessant Bureaucratic Fines and Off-Field Rule Enforcement – the NFL is looking a lot like the IRS lately, with a focus on fining players, coaches, and organizations for non-compliance of the seemingly endless list of rules. A weapons charge won’t get you dropped from a team, but God help you if you wear an Addidas t-shirt to practice were people can see you, because the contract is with Reebok, dammit!!!!   I especially love when players blow off media interviews and are fined for it, or they show up and get fined for what they say.  Players should get bonuses to NOT talk to the press.  It’s win-win for the NFL, even if the fines aren’t really all that important to the players, dollar-wise.  Stupid, stupid, stupid to turn everything into fines (you know, like the Government does).

Think to the future – when Madden 2016 is released, it will look like a game from 1982 Colecovision pitting the Carolina Climate Change versus the New Jersey Springtime (sounds like a brand name of feminine hygiene product):  no player individualism (specific names and numbers only), only politically correct team names included,  six legal blocks remain in the game, and a rigorous real-life penalty version that will make Pong popular again (“Your quarterback wore an unapproved brand of t-shirt to practice one day this week, so he has been fined and suspended, please choose another quarterback!”) .  To their credit, at least the NFL doesn’t have the insipid caring program that the NBA does” The NBA, Where Caring Happens”. Basketball will be covered in a separate item.

In which I will miss Kevin Garnett in Green

garnett
First, my fave Ray Allen leaves to get a ring with the loathsome Miami Heat (and got it, much to Cranky Hubby’s chagrin), then Doc jumps ship (for a better chance at a ring), and now Kevin Garnett (and Paul Pierce) are gone. Doc and Danny Ainge were as successful as they were in large part to the leadership, work ethic, and passion that KG brought to the Celtics. KG was the reason Ray came to Boston in the first place, and he taught Paul Pierce to stop playing hero ball and actually play defense (though hero ball returned last season). He taught the young ones about working hard, playing defense, being a team, and he still literally barked at opposing teams’ rookies all over the league. I will miss you, Kevin – try not to kick Celtic ass too hard next season. But I wonder if you will delete your own cell number and refuse to shake your own hand now that you’ve jumped ship.

BREAKING: NFL STOPS SALES OF HERNANDEZ #81 SHIRT

Today the NFL reported that it has stopped sales of officially licensed products bearing Aaron Hernandez’ name and number (81).  They will, however, be offering t-shirts bearing his custody number (when released to the public) in green (signifying that he has not been convicted).

BREAKING: Dennis Rodman Tapped for Chavez Eulogy

CARACAS – Diplomat and former NBA star Dennis Rodman has been tapped by Venezuelan Vice President Nicolas Maduro to deliver the eulogy for President Hugo Chavez, who this week succumbed to American spy-induced cancer at age 58. Rodman recently returned from North Korea, where he met with Kim Jong Un, who urged Rodman to ask President Obama to “call him”. Rodman raised eyebrows when he pointed out what he thought were similarities between the North Korean dictatorship and the democratic United States.
Vice President Maduro said that Mr. Rodman has been a long-time fan and supporter of Chavez, and is a friend to “misunderstood”, passionate leaders throughout the world. Sean Penn and Oliver Stone are expected to provide videotaped eulogies for the as-yet unscheduled funeral.

“When you have a Super Bowl party….

…you put the chips out.  And they STAY out.”  Thus sayst my younger son, after throwing a total hissy fit because we put away the Doritos and other munchies while he was in the shower Sunday night after Super Bowl half-time. He stuffed his face for almost two hours, but apparently it wasn’t enough.  He was sent to bed and continued to spew his entertaining advice and to wail “I’M STILL HUNGRY!!!!”.  Last year there was crying and wailing and gnashing of teeth because the Patriots lost.  This year: Doritos.  Why do I continue to try to do something special?  Beats me. Next year I am going out.

Magic/Bird on Broadway. Really?

So your wife is bugging you to take her into the city to see a show, and you would rather have a double root canal with no Novocaine, right? Well here’s a solution: a Broadway play centered around the lives of two of the greatest players in NBA history: Magic Johnson and Larry Bird. Your wife may have no idea who these guys were, but YOU sure do. The same way “Lombardi” got guys into the theater, Magic/Bird will put heterosexual male asses in theater seats as well. Your wife is gonna think it is “Magic Bird”, kind of Circ du Soleil creepy, yet artsy thing. Boy is she going to be surprised when they talk about basketball for 90 minutes, with vintage game footage playing on stage much of the time. But wait – the headline name in the production is Peter Scolari, you know, they guy who was with Tom Hanks on Bosom Buddies? That has to count for something! He plays Red Auerbach, and a couple of other guys. Sweep your wife off her feet by surprising her with Broadway tickets – make it a nice surprise – she will let you choose where you will dine out because you are such a good sport and such a wonderful guy to take her to a show, even when she knows that’s not really your thing.  The jig will be up once she enters the theater decorated to look like a sports bar, so it will behoove you to dine out BEFORE the show!

Disclaimer:  The Cranky Mommy is a huge sports fan (go Celtics!), yet even I think this is an absurd theater production. The sexist themes used in this post are for entertainment purposes only.  ‘Cause they are funny and often true.