The Hallmark Channel is close to receiving approvals from the State Department to produce a heartwarming, feel-good movie about the happy, diplomatic resolution to yesterday’s interaction between the Iranian and US Navies. According to State sources, the US Naval vessels were straying into Iranian waters as a result of some sort of mechanical failure. The Iranian Navy provided mechanical assistance (and even checked out the American communications equipment for good measure), kept the sailors warm and safe (to include a hijab for the female sailor), and provided overnight accommodations (the hummus was reportedly out of this world), before sending them on their way. State also added that there were unconfirmed reports of hugs exchanged before the US vessels got back underway. It is unknown whether the piece would include portrayal of the potential disciplinary action for those American sailors who were clearly in the wrong.
“Our viewers look forward to schmaltzy stories of new found friendships and dramatic changes of heart ; we make a lot of money making up stories in that vein, but producing a story based on a real-life event would be a big win for us” said Barry Heart, Senior Executive of Production.
The two-hour special will highlight the new environment of cooperation between the two previously at-odds nations, and how diplomacy and civilized discourse can solve any problem. Hallmark expects to receive approval from the State Department this week. The production would be slated to air in mid or late October.
TEHRAN, IRAN – The Barack Obama Foundation has announced that Tehran University will be the site of the Obama Presidential Library.
The announcement comes after almost a year of behind-the-scenes negotiations and jockeying, largely among the University of Illinois at Chicago, University of Chicago, University of Hawaii, and Coumbia University. The Tehran University was a late entrant to the bidding process, and yet seems to have closed the deal. Close Obama friend, Martin Nesbitt was charged with overseeing the bidding process, and announced that
“Tehran University put together the most comprehensive package, committing to a very generous capital investment and a strong commitment to developing future programming. The library will be a monument to Obama’s eight years in office, and the base from which he will launch future initiatives”.
While the costs for a domestic site were estimated around $500 million, the Tehran University site is expected to cost almost double that, provided economic sanctions are lifted before construction begins. These figures would ensure that the library would be the most expensive in history. “TU committed to a number that blew all the domestic sites right out of the water”, noted Nesbitt’s assistant Daniel Hader, “they have the means and the will to ensure the Obama Presidential Library will be a proper monument to this great man”. The University will also sponsor the Barack H. Obama School of International Relations, Diplomacy, and Ethics, the first school of its kind in the nation. With TU funding most of the construction,additional fundraising efforts will largely support programming and maintenance of the library. The fundraising arm of the Foundation has collected almost $5 million this year. These funds will be forwarded to the new team in Tehran, which will coordinate fundraising with both Foundation and University donor lists, hoping to ensure an effort that will fund programming and activities for generations to come.
More weak talk from the White House predictably does absolutely nothing to deter the Russians from sending troops to the Ukraine. New vocabulary words already being dispensed to press: it’s not an invasion, it is an “uncontested incursion”. So nobody, especially us, has to step in. It’s very nuanced for us common folk to understand. Get back to your cocktail party, everyone, nothing to see here!
The August edition of Al Queda magazine is about to hit newsstands. Though not available on-line, the publisher is promoting the magazine’s cover headlines:
“Best Pressure Cooker Recipes for Summer”
“5 Quick Tips for Disciplining Your Wife”
“Blending In: Shaving Your Beard Without Guilt”
“Infidels and Their Trusting Nature: What You Should Know”
CARACAS – Diplomat and former NBA star Dennis Rodman has been tapped by Venezuelan Vice President Nicolas Maduro to deliver the eulogy for President Hugo Chavez, who this week succumbed to American spy-induced cancer at age 58. Rodman recently returned from North Korea, where he met with Kim Jong Un, who urged Rodman to ask President Obama to “call him”. Rodman raised eyebrows when he pointed out what he thought were similarities between the North Korean dictatorship and the democratic United States.
Vice President Maduro said that Mr. Rodman has been a long-time fan and supporter of Chavez, and is a friend to “misunderstood”, passionate leaders throughout the world. Sean Penn and Oliver Stone are expected to provide videotaped eulogies for the as-yet unscheduled funeral.
BREAKING: Suburban housewife Adelle Matheson has reportedly canceled her plans to use a copy of the Koran to put under the leg of her wobbly kitchen table. Her affluent neighborhood had been on pins and needles, fearing the repercussions of such a wanton act, and can now breathe a collective sigh of relief. News crews did not even appear at Mrs. Matheson’s home, but the buzz in her neighborhood and town put everyone on edge. “It’s just reckless” said an unidentified neighbor. “Doesn’t she care about the children?” asked another neighbor, not wishing to be identified. Mrs. Matheson now fears that she was misunderstood, and that a comment she made in passing to one of her neighbors was really overblown. “I don’t even have a copy of the Koran in my possession!” In a show of good faith to her neighbors, Mrs. Matheson has discarded the wobbly table and replaced it with a brand new one, although nobody has seen her copy of the holy book at the center of this controversy.
With all the talk about reform of the American health system, one must consider the medical systems and advances of other nations. Convicted Lockerbie bomber Abdelbaset Ali Mohamed Al Megrahi was released from a Scottish prison in August of 2009 on controversial compassionate grounds. Al Megrahi’s medical status was described as “having taken a turn for the worse”, given his deteriorating condition with terminal prostate cancer. Doctors had given him only three months to live. Now, almost five months later, we have no word of his passing from Libyan officials. Several questions remain: Did he receive some experimental treatment in Libya? Is the care that much better than in the UK? Could Scottish doctors have completely misread the medical evidence? Should Libyan health care be a model for the world? Did the Scottish doctors assume he’d only live 3 months under their care (NIH)? Don’t book your flight to Tripoli just yet for miracle treatments; could it simply be that the players involved simply lied? Cranky updates as they happen.
Alleged terror suspect Khalid Sheikh Mohammed (KSM), suspected mastermind of the suspected terrorist-like attack on New York City in which almost 3,000 Americans were allegedly killed, will face trial in New York City. Attorney General Eric Holder made the announcement today, letting Americans know they should feel superior, knowing that KSM will receive an excruciatingly fair civil trial, but that the government is seeking the death penalty for planning the alleged terror-like attack. “We believe we have pretty strong evidence in this case” said Holder, “and we’re sure his attorneys will mount a rigorous defense, possibly citing his obviously bad treatment while in custody under the Bush Administration. I mean, we’d be really screwed if the defense plays the waterboarding card. Besides that, he cleans up really good”. Skeptics of the plan claim that the civil trial will provide KSM with a platform that attacks the means and methods of our military and the CIA, and for outright anti-American hate. Further, opponents claim that valuable intelligence information will be released that would likely be used to endanger ongoing intelligence and military operations. Holder rejects these claims outright, and adds that he suspects that the first thing the defense will do is seek a change of venue to ensure an impartial jury; “The Saudi Arabians have offered up Dubai as a suitable substitute that we’ll have to consider”. Legal costs for the trial are expected to run in the tens of millions, and may be covered in the proposed Stimulus II plan being bandied about by Congress. Alan Dershowitz is rumored to be considering offering his expertise to the defense.
While in New York City, KSM will be staying at the W Hotel in Midtown, Manhattan under top-level security, for the safety of KSM. The producers of Saturday Night Live have already booked him as the host for their December 19th show, which is slated to feature musical guest September.