Category Archives: Sarcasm Strongly Intended

Hallmark Channel to obtain rights to Iran/US Sailor Story

The Hallmark Channel is close to receiving approvals from the State Department to produce a heartwarming, feel-good movie about the happy, diplomatic resolution to yesterday’s interaction between the Iranian and US Navies.  According to State sources, the US Naval vessels were straying into Iranian waters as a result of some sort of mechanical failure.  The Iranian Navy  provided mechanical assistance (and even checked out the American communications equipment for good measure), kept the sailors warm and safe (to include a hijab for the female sailor), and provided overnight accommodations (the hummus was reportedly out of this world), before sending them on their way.  State also added that there were unconfirmed reports of hugs exchanged before the US vessels got back underway.  It is unknown whether the piece would include portrayal of the potential disciplinary action for those American sailors who were clearly in the wrong.

“Our viewers look forward to schmaltzy stories of new found friendships and dramatic changes of heart ; we make a lot of money making up stories in that vein, but producing a story based on a real-life event would be a big win for us” said Barry Heart, Senior Executive of Production.

The two-hour special will highlight the new environment of cooperation between the two previously at-odds nations, and how diplomacy and civilized discourse can solve any problem.   Hallmark expects to receive approval from the State Department this week.  The production would be slated to air in mid or late October.

BREAKING: Obscure Document Suggests President Can’t Keep Legislating from the Podium

Fresh on the heels of yet another non-legislative change to the previously Congressionally-enacted Affordable Care Act (aka Obamacare), Cranky Mommy Investigations has uncovered an obscure document called the Constitution of the United States, hidden deep in the archives of the world-famous Smithsonian Institute. The document contains the ancient rules by which the country was founded and governed way back in those dark, neanderthal, rich white guy, colonial days. On its face, the document seems to define three branches of government and the responsibilities and powers of each.  But a closer reading  of all clauses suggests a “separation of powers” to encourage “checks and balances” between branches of government to ensure we don’t  become some kind of perverted dictatorship. This document is probably obsolete, however, since there were no teleprompters or opinion polls in those ancient days.  If only we were Constitutional Law Professors, this would all make sense to us!!

SHOCK: Women’s Studies, Philosophy Not in Top 6 Most Lucrative College Majors

One of our local papers published the six top-paid college majors for recent graduates, and Women’s Studies, Philosophy, and English are NOT on their list. Dubious as it may be, the degrees were all STEM (Science, Technology, Engineering, and Science) majors. Decide for yourself:

Petroleum Engineering
Actuarial Mathematics
Nuclear Engineering
Chemical Engineering
Aerospace Engineering
Electrical Engineering/Computer Engineering (tie)

There you have it – If you think $300,000 for an Art History or Horticulture or French Literature degree is a good deal for your kids who will live in your basement until you die, then have at it!

Al Queda Magazine – August Edition

burqua

August cover’s swimsuit photo

The August edition of Al Queda magazine is about to hit newsstands.  Though not available on-line, the publisher is promoting the magazine’s cover headlines:

“Best Pressure Cooker Recipes for Summer”

“5 Quick Tips for Disciplining Your Wife”

“Blending In:  Shaving Your Beard Without Guilt”

“Infidels and Their Trusting Nature: What You Should Know”

GALLUP: Majority of Americans Freaking Fatigued with Incessant Gallup Polling

Yup.

BREAKING: Alec Baldwin Goes on another Psychopathic, Homophobic Rant; Loses Zero Endorsements

Alec Baldwin flipped whatever lid he has left, and ripped into a British reporter for reporting (gasp!) that his wife, Hilaria (truly her name) was tweeting/texting during James Gandolfini’s funeral. Well she was, right? To my knowledge, reporting that someone was “tweeting” is not a euphemism for something nasty or inappropriate.  Just a fact.  As of this writing, Baldwin has gone through about seven different Twitter accounts, and has lost zero endorsements (Capital One are you even listening?). Paula Deen has lost almost all of hers immediately for self-reported bad word 30 years ago, and Aaron Hernandez had a brief delay before being dropped by Puma, you know, because he’s charged with MURDER.

BREAKING: SENATE IDENTIFIES NEVADA AS “BORDER” STATE

WASHINGTON: The Senate, in passing the latest bogus amendment to its comprehensive Immigration Bill, has identified the state of Nevada as being a “border” state, which gives it equal sway to other conventional border states with respect to immigration enforcement and guidelines, etc.  Elementary school children across the country will return to school in the Fall, very confused as to the new mapping of the western United States, but if the Senate says it is so, it must be true.  They are smarter than all of us. If enacted, the CBO estimates that the Immigration Bill will spur $12 million of growth in the map re-printing sector.

More Paula Deen Missteps

This week, Food Network terminated its contract with southern chef Paula Deen, after learning that she said the “n-word” decades ago, in private conversations, and something about inappropriate jokes being told in one or more of her restaurants.  This obviously makes her some kind of racist monster who should be ostracized from society and stripped entirely of any positive image and material wealth.  The Cranky Mommy has learned, however, that this is the tip of the proverbial iceberg as far as controversial lingo is concerned. A quick search of Food Network’s website indicates that Paula routinely uses the word “cracker”, “brown sugar”, and “meatball” in her craft.  Additionally, black walnuts, dark rum, and dark meats of all kinds are used habitually in well-publicized recipes. She has produced television segments for Bananas Foster, Tennessee-Banana Black Walnut Cake, Sugar Ray’s Body Blow Ribs (Sugar Ray Leonard did not endorse this recipe), Douglas’ Dark Rum Pecan Pie (Douglas was reportedly the African-American janitor on set), and Aunt Peggy’s Praline Cheesecake (Deen’s Aunt Peggy was reportedly a homophobic, racist bitch in her own right); all of these recipes clearly code-words for oppression and degradation of African-Americans. Production team members could not be reached for comment, but more bombshells surely await.

Real Housewives of Appalachia – New Episode

New this week on BRAVO – Lulu and Darlene get lost in the woods behind their trailer after taking too much Oxycodone. Betty Sue enters her famous “Opossum Oreo Cookie Cake” in the regional Pillsbury Bake-Off.  Cletus finds a mysterious toilet on the front porch next to the one that is usually there.

Burqa King Superstore Opening in Wrentham

WRENTHAM – This weekend, the world’s largest halal burqa and clothing retailer will open its “Burqa King Superstore” at the Wrentham Village Outlets, taking the retail place of the now bankrupt “Spoons R Us”.  Parent company By Allah’s Beard is excited and hopeful about its first foothold in New England. The company has two retail locations in Michigan  – Burqa King, and Burqa Barn, and one in London’s posh West End  – The Bonnie Burqa Boutique.