The Hallmark Channel is close to receiving approvals from the State Department to produce a heartwarming, feel-good movie about the happy, diplomatic resolution to yesterday’s interaction between the Iranian and US Navies. According to State sources, the US Naval vessels were straying into Iranian waters as a result of some sort of mechanical failure. The Iranian Navy provided mechanical assistance (and even checked out the American communications equipment for good measure), kept the sailors warm and safe (to include a hijab for the female sailor), and provided overnight accommodations (the hummus was reportedly out of this world), before sending them on their way. State also added that there were unconfirmed reports of hugs exchanged before the US vessels got back underway. It is unknown whether the piece would include portrayal of the potential disciplinary action for those American sailors who were clearly in the wrong.
“Our viewers look forward to schmaltzy stories of new found friendships and dramatic changes of heart ; we make a lot of money making up stories in that vein, but producing a story based on a real-life event would be a big win for us” said Barry Heart, Senior Executive of Production.
The two-hour special will highlight the new environment of cooperation between the two previously at-odds nations, and how diplomacy and civilized discourse can solve any problem. Hallmark expects to receive approval from the State Department this week. The production would be slated to air in mid or late October.
TEHRAN, IRAN – The Barack Obama Foundation has announced that Tehran University will be the site of the Obama Presidential Library.
The announcement comes after almost a year of behind-the-scenes negotiations and jockeying, largely among the University of Illinois at Chicago, University of Chicago, University of Hawaii, and Coumbia University. The Tehran University was a late entrant to the bidding process, and yet seems to have closed the deal. Close Obama friend, Martin Nesbitt was charged with overseeing the bidding process, and announced that
“Tehran University put together the most comprehensive package, committing to a very generous capital investment and a strong commitment to developing future programming. The library will be a monument to Obama’s eight years in office, and the base from which he will launch future initiatives”.
While the costs for a domestic site were estimated around $500 million, the Tehran University site is expected to cost almost double that, provided economic sanctions are lifted before construction begins. These figures would ensure that the library would be the most expensive in history. “TU committed to a number that blew all the domestic sites right out of the water”, noted Nesbitt’s assistant Daniel Hader, “they have the means and the will to ensure the Obama Presidential Library will be a proper monument to this great man”. The University will also sponsor the Barack H. Obama School of International Relations, Diplomacy, and Ethics, the first school of its kind in the nation. With TU funding most of the construction,additional fundraising efforts will largely support programming and maintenance of the library. The fundraising arm of the Foundation has collected almost $5 million this year. These funds will be forwarded to the new team in Tehran, which will coordinate fundraising with both Foundation and University donor lists, hoping to ensure an effort that will fund programming and activities for generations to come.
An unidentified source has leaked the content of new terms demanded by the Iranian delegation in the ongoing nuclear talks being held in Switzerland. In addition to a demand of front-loading the elimination of economic sanctions, Iran is adding a rider that would require a new 16-ounce bowl of green m&m’s on the Ayatollah’s desk each morning, and a high quality digital recording of Secretary of State John F. Kerry singing “You’ve Got A Friend”.
Fresh on the heels of yet another non-legislative change to the previously Congressionally-enacted Affordable Care Act (aka Obamacare), Cranky Mommy Investigations has uncovered an obscure document called the Constitution of the United States, hidden deep in the archives of the world-famous Smithsonian Institute. The document contains the ancient rules by which the country was founded and governed way back in those dark, neanderthal, rich white guy, colonial days. On its face, the document seems to define three branches of government and the responsibilities and powers of each. But a closer reading of all clauses suggests a “separation of powers” to encourage “checks and balances” between branches of government to ensure we don’t become some kind of perverted dictatorship. This document is probably obsolete, however, since there were no teleprompters or opinion polls in those ancient days. If only we were Constitutional Law Professors, this would all make sense to us!!
More weak talk from the White House predictably does absolutely nothing to deter the Russians from sending troops to the Ukraine. New vocabulary words already being dispensed to press: it’s not an invasion, it is an “uncontested incursion”. So nobody, especially us, has to step in. It’s very nuanced for us common folk to understand. Get back to your cocktail party, everyone, nothing to see here!
Today, Martin Luther King, Jr. Day, our African-American President is on the front page of every newspaper in the country sharing his opinion that marijuana is no more dangerous than alcohol “in terms of its impact on the individual consumer”. He points out the discrepancy in arrests and punishment rates between whites, Latinos, and blacks for using marijuana . These are the important issues of our time for which we are dying for he Great One’s opinion. Forget Iran. Forget the healthcare debacle. Forget unemployment and shitty public education. What a nice tribute. Dr. King would be so proud.
WASHINGTON – The White House confirmed that the annual Easter Egg Roll will take place on April 1st, as scheduled, but will be greatly affected by the current Sequester. The annual event will host 35,000 people on the Monday after Easter, and this year’s theme will be “Be Healthy, Be Active, Be You!”. Scheduled activities include dancing, stories, sports, healthy cooking demonstrations, and voter registration. The White House confirms that there will not be a single jelly bean or piece of candy available at the celebration, because the greedy, do-nothing Republicans in Congress won’t let the kids have any Easter candy so their rich friends can get richer. White House Press Secretary Jay Carney noted, “the White House is doing the best it can under the circumstances, and those healthy activities are the only ones we can afford right now. It’s about making tough decisions. I feel sorry for those kids”.
Last week the news reported the latest plans to protect the threatened Northern Spotted Owl. The spotted owl is famous in the Pacific Northwest because of the decades-long battle between conservationists and industry with respect to the scope and cost of the owl’s protection. The latest government report indicated that the population of spotted owls has dropped by 40% in the last 25 years, in spite of the government setting aside millions of acres to preserve its habitat, and greatly restricting the use of millions more acres of private and federal lands. Now it seems that the problem is the Barred Owl. The Barred Owl is simply moving into the protected territory and is a much more successful, albeit unprotected, owl. The Bard Owl has no special privileges, but seems to thrive wherever it goes. The Spotted Owl has received special treatment by way of habitat preservation, criminal penalties for harm of the owl, and millions and millions of dollars in preservation, yet it cannot survive in nature, even with these Herculean efforts. The latest government response is to announce an “open season” on the Barred Owl – yes, actually shooting lots and lots and lots of these owls – and further tinkering with forest management.
This sounds strangely like the economic policies we have observed over the last few years where the government has made its business to pick winners (“green” energy companies, pharmaceutical companies, Spotted Owls, GM, GE) at the expense of losers (coal, oil industries, non-GM carmakers, Barred Owls, everybody else) in the wild we know as “business”. The government gives its protection to the winners in the form of government loan guarantees, grants, easy regulatory approvals, seats at the grown-ups table when discussing industry policy, and outright beneficial legislation. The losers, in the meantime, are shut out from policy discussion, are faced with intense IRS scrutiny, regulatory hurdles, and vilification by the White House at every opportunity.
When the government picks winners in the wild or in business, it is interfering with natural and capitalistic survival forces. No creature or business can evolve better survival traits until their survival is actually threatened – ask any small business owner you know. Resources in nature or business are finite; we are all fighting for a spot at nature’s/banker’s table. The poor Spotted Owl will fail to evolve because we won’t allow it to. Similarly, coddled “green-energy”, or other favored companies will not evolve to become better financial survivors unless we shut off the spigot of state favoritism. Many have proven that the state spigot does not guarantee success: Solyndra, Beacon Power, Evergreen Energy, A123 Systems, Fisker Automotive, etc. If these were such great, innovative, successful companies, how come they couldn’t get private funding? How many healthy Barred Owls have had their tickets punched because they didn’t donate to the correct political cause?
At the end of the day, the Spotted Owls of the world cannot survive on their own in the wild, and the government response is to shoot great quantities of their competitors. The government has picked a winner, and won’t change its mind or methods, and now there are a select group of people cashing in on these picks. I’m not so sure that Spotted Owsl are all that threatened; I read about similar creatures in the news almost every day. Barred Owl brethren beware: you are firmly in the crosshairs.
WASHINGTON: While the Obama administration is facing intensifying scrutiny on the prudence of a number of “green company” guaranteed government loans, yet another company has shut it doors after receiving a $2 billion loan from the government only six months ago. Magic Beans, a privately held firm, received $2 billion in loans to finance their “mystical, magical, beanstalk windmill” project. The firm was supposedly devising a new genetically modified beanstalk that would eventually grow into a windmill-like structure, that could eventually be harnessed to produce wind power. The firm is based in downtown Washington, DC, and employed a dozen or so former lobbyists that worked to gain the loans as part of the President’s Green Power Works program. None of the firm’s board or any employee could be reached for comment. A White House spokesman claimed that “the business plan seemed solid, and it made us feel really warm inside to give them the seed money. Get it? Seed money?”
The Obama administration is under fire for this and several other seemingly stupid investments that include the now bankrupt firms Solyndra, Evergreen Solar, and SpectraWatt.