Category Archives: News

Mother of the Year

No sarcasm intended here. Apparently this mom took her son to task for being a punk-ass thug during the “protests” (PC term for rioting and looting cuz you can) in Baltimore. He’s not so tough when his Mom comes around, eh? Rock on Mom, Child Protective Services is probably at your house already, but law enforcement will continue to let Baltimore burn.

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Parallel Universe/Black Hole Alert

Bizarro Superman, Coming Soon?

Bizarro Superman, Coming Soon?

Scientists at the CERN center in Geneva are going to crank up the Large Hadron Collider  this week, hoping to detect or even create miniature black holes.  If they are successful, they can even reveal parallel universes.  Does that mean like Bizarro world on the Superfriends?  I’m no physicist, but aren’t even teensy tiny black holes kinda dangerous?  Hmmmm.  It’s supposed to be a “game-changer”. Stay tuned and keep an eye on your event horizon.

Awwwww, these guys didn’t get enough hugs as children….

ISIS goes on violent rampage in Syria, raging against the blasphemy that is Mother’s Day, and any cakes that support it.  No cake for you!

BREAKING: Alec Baldwin Goes on another Psychopathic, Homophobic Rant; Loses Zero Endorsements

Alec Baldwin flipped whatever lid he has left, and ripped into a British reporter for reporting (gasp!) that his wife, Hilaria (truly her name) was tweeting/texting during James Gandolfini’s funeral. Well she was, right? To my knowledge, reporting that someone was “tweeting” is not a euphemism for something nasty or inappropriate.  Just a fact.  As of this writing, Baldwin has gone through about seven different Twitter accounts, and has lost zero endorsements (Capital One are you even listening?). Paula Deen has lost almost all of hers immediately for self-reported bad word 30 years ago, and Aaron Hernandez had a brief delay before being dropped by Puma, you know, because he’s charged with MURDER.

BREAKING: SENATE IDENTIFIES NEVADA AS “BORDER” STATE

WASHINGTON: The Senate, in passing the latest bogus amendment to its comprehensive Immigration Bill, has identified the state of Nevada as being a “border” state, which gives it equal sway to other conventional border states with respect to immigration enforcement and guidelines, etc.  Elementary school children across the country will return to school in the Fall, very confused as to the new mapping of the western United States, but if the Senate says it is so, it must be true.  They are smarter than all of us. If enacted, the CBO estimates that the Immigration Bill will spur $12 million of growth in the map re-printing sector.

More Paula Deen Missteps

This week, Food Network terminated its contract with southern chef Paula Deen, after learning that she said the “n-word” decades ago, in private conversations, and something about inappropriate jokes being told in one or more of her restaurants.  This obviously makes her some kind of racist monster who should be ostracized from society and stripped entirely of any positive image and material wealth.  The Cranky Mommy has learned, however, that this is the tip of the proverbial iceberg as far as controversial lingo is concerned. A quick search of Food Network’s website indicates that Paula routinely uses the word “cracker”, “brown sugar”, and “meatball” in her craft.  Additionally, black walnuts, dark rum, and dark meats of all kinds are used habitually in well-publicized recipes. She has produced television segments for Bananas Foster, Tennessee-Banana Black Walnut Cake, Sugar Ray’s Body Blow Ribs (Sugar Ray Leonard did not endorse this recipe), Douglas’ Dark Rum Pecan Pie (Douglas was reportedly the African-American janitor on set), and Aunt Peggy’s Praline Cheesecake (Deen’s Aunt Peggy was reportedly a homophobic, racist bitch in her own right); all of these recipes clearly code-words for oppression and degradation of African-Americans. Production team members could not be reached for comment, but more bombshells surely await.

On International Women’s Day: Celebrate Women Who Can Be Anti-Semitic, American-Hating Scumbags If They Want To

WASHINGTON – Secretary of State John Kerry and First Lady Michelle Obama were planning to bestow an International Woman of Courage award to Samira Ibrahim of Egypt this week.  The award has since been put on hold since Ibrahim, a women’s rights activist, seems to have been very vocal in praise of Adolf Hitler, last year’s murder of Jews in Bulgaria,  and the 9/11 attacks on the American embassy in Cairo, also last year.  Ibrahim has certainly shown that she is a woman of courage, bravely spewing violent, anti-Semitic hate in the otherwise male-dominated hatemongering world.  Break through that glass ceiling, Samira; let’s not forget that women can be destructive haters, too!  You go, girl!

BREAKING: Black Man Joins NRA News, Panic Ensues

ALEXANDRIA, VIRGINIA: NRANews has announced that Mr. Colion Noir has joined the NRANews team, for his insights in their Opinion & Commentary group which will be seen on the Sportsman Channel and Sirius XM Radio.  The racist NRA is obviously taking advantage of Mr. Noir’s ethnicity for its own political and public relations gain. That can be the only logical explanation.

Finance Wizards in the Senate Vote to Throw $11B to Post Office

The whiz-bang financial analysts of the United States Senate approved a measure that would give the Postal Service $11B (that’s Billion with a “B”), freeze most facilities closings that were planned to reduce costs, along with implementation of 5-day delivery. For the first time ever, I have to side with the Postmaster General on this issue:

“It is totally inappropriate in these economic times to keep unneeded facilities open. There is simply not enough mail in our system today,” the Postal Service’s board of governors said in a statement. “It is also inappropriate to delay the implementation of five-day delivery.”

This is coming from the guy who’s captain of the sinking ship, and throwing a life-preserver isn’t going to help this vessel – plugging holes and bailing is a better course. In fact, the Senate bill explicitly prohibits the USPS from making most of its cost-cutting measures for YEARS to come:

The Senate bill would halt the immediate closing of up to 252 mail-processing centers and 3,700 post offices, part of a postal cost-cutting plan to save some $6.5 billion a year. Donahoe previously said he would begin making cuts after May 15 if Congress didn’t act, warning that the agency could run out of money this fall.

The measure would save about half the mail processing centers the Postal Service wants to close, from 252 to 125, allowing more areas to maintain overnight first-class mail delivery for at least three more years. It also would bar any shutdowns before the November elections, protect rural post offices for at least a year, give affected communities new avenues to appeal closing decisions and forbid cuts to Saturday delivery for two years.

Got that?  The Senate wants to spend $11B this year to prevent the USPS from saving at least $6.5B every year, and start paring down its operation.  Since the Post Office is a creation of the Legislature, they require its authority to do anything, even save money.  Where the hell does this $11B come from, anyway?  The USPS reminds us on its website that

The Postal Service receives NO tax dollars for operating expenses and relies on the sale of postage, products and services to fund its operations. We are required by law to cover our costs.

Unless Congress says so. I smell election-year hijinks and 500,000 solid Democratic votes.  There are a nice bunch of Postal employees in swing states  according to workforce size by state listings. California, New York, and Texas are the states with the largest postal workforce, but filling in behind is : #4 Florida: 32,000, #6 Pennsylvania 27,600, #7 Ohio: 22,300, : #10 North Carolina 15,200 ,and  #12: Virginia 15,300. Interesting. It remains to be seen what the House of Representatives does with this next.

This is news?

From the “Well, duh!” department:

New York University arts professor Wafaa Bilal, who recently implanted a camera in the back of his head, underwent surgery on Friday after his body rejected one of the titanium posts anchoring the device to his skull. (Feb. 10)

I guess because it was “news” when the guy had the camera implanted, it stands to reason that it would be “news” when it didn’t work out so well. Did he even think of just strapping a camera around his head in lieu of dangerous cranial surgery? Oh yeah, I forgot that there is no art without pain.