Category Archives: Money

‘Just For Men’ Wants Rouhani for Ads

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Iranian President Hassan Rouhani before and after using Combe’s ‘Just for Men’ product.

After the negotiation of the historic Joint Comprehensive Plan of Action (JCPOA) in 2015, American companies are able to legally engage in business in the Islamic Republic of Iran.  We usually think of companies in the energy or transportation sectors, but personal care products giant Combe Incorporated has made a bet that the Iranian market is ripe for its Just for Men hair coloring.  Senior Vice President of Sales and Marketing  James Kelly plans to launch the product in Iran, and has offered a spokesperson job to Iranian President Hassan Rouhani, who has allegedly been using the product in the 20 month run-up to the nuclear deal completed last year. The product is not currently available in Iran, and rumor has it the Rouhani had some shipped illicitly from France.

Just for Men is hair dye specifically marketed to men to gradually darken hair, beards, mustaches, and sideburns.  The product is already available in Israel, but nowhere else in the Middle East.  Kelly’s research indicates that there are loads and loads of beards in the rest of the Middle East, largely for religious reasons, with nary a hair care product available on the market.  He is also confident that his product to darken grey hair (beards) would be allowed under most religious laws in the region.  Kelly expects Rouhani to accept his offer as soon as Combe’s corporate plane full of US dollars lands in Tehran.

Combe Incorporated is a privately held company founded in 1949, with world headquarters in White Plains, New York.

 

 

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Hey, wait a minute: NFL Cheerleaders Just Now Figuring Out They Work for Very Little Money, and Boy are They Mad!

You mean you can’t support a family of four cheer-leading for the Oakland Raiders? No way!  They work more hours than they are paid for? Shut up! You say you get fined for not having the appropriate equipment for your job? Dude!  Read the article,it is a little bit sad. They get paid $1200 bucks or so per season for looking hot and cheering.  Pretty soon the President will step in on this “war on women” issue, and require full benefits and free pom-poms for all female cheerladies. Look – if you are not getting paid what you are owed, then that’s wrong.  If you didn’t bother to read your employment contract, or you took a job that pays shitty because it is really kind of a hobby than a vocation, then bad on you.  This just in: there are plenty of ladies who will cheer for free. I’m just saying.

Ummmm, I think the crashing your plane part of the story caused your damaged reputation…

… not the made-up names some joker put on the air at KTVU-TV last week! Asiana airlines attorney Siu Yu has announced that the airline will sue the news station in San Francisco because it

“damaged the airline’s reputation by using bogus and racially offensive names for four pilots on a plane that crashed earlier this month in San Francisco.”

The network has since blamed an intern identified as Sum Yung Gai (who has since been released)  for the error, because, you know, summer interns generally run a major city’s news broadcast while on break during their sophomore year of college. And nobody ever checks their work, especially if they are going to a really good school, which is the only place a top-notch news station like KTVU would ever consider hiring. See the epic footage of the bogus names, and the  carefully-pronunciating anchor reporting those unusual names (which are obviously Chinese, not Korean!):

Easter Egg Roll Decimated by Sequester – No Candy!

WASHINGTON – The White House confirmed that the annual Easter Egg Roll will take place on April 1st, as scheduled, but will be greatly affected by the current Sequester. The annual event will host 35,000 people on the Monday after Easter, and this year’s theme will be “Be Healthy, Be Active, Be You!”. Scheduled activities include dancing, stories, sports, healthy cooking demonstrations, and voter registration. The White House confirms that there will not be a single jelly bean or piece of candy available at the celebration, because the greedy, do-nothing Republicans in Congress won’t let the kids have any Easter candy so their rich friends can get richer. White House Press Secretary Jay Carney noted, “the White House is doing the best it can under the circumstances, and those healthy activities are the only ones we can afford right now. It’s about making tough decisions. I feel sorry for those kids”.

Tide Detergent is the Street’s Gold Standard Currency

I tried to pay the guy who mows my lawn with five 100-ounce bottles of Era laundry detergent, and he looked at me like I had three heads or something.  “Era?” he gasped, “don’t you know only Tide in its trademarked orange bottle can be used in lieu of currency these days?”.  Oh, sorry,  my bad. I apologized and wrote him a check.

You can’t buy your drugs with Era, or generic laundry detergent, either.  Only Tide will do; it is a brand name that is respected by shoplifters and street currency purveyors nationwide.  A wave of Tide theft has swept over the country, though I find it hard to believe that it is easy to stroll out of a store with a cart full of bright orange 100-ounce bottles.  From coast to coast, retailers are under assault from thieves stealing, of all things, Tide detergent.  Laundry detergent is expensive (up to $20 for a large bottle), and “everybody needs it”, so it stands to reason that Tide detergent has emerged as a popular street currency.  Police and retailers are quick to point out that there aren’t serial numbers on bottles of detergent, so it is hard to track stolen items. I think it isn’t hard to track down a guy running through the parking lot with a cart full of detergent.

Maybe the folks stealing the detergent don’t realize that “currency” is generally a portable medium of exchange.  If you need a grocery cart full of plastic bottles to pay your bookie or drug dealer, you’ll be awfully conspicuous walking down the street with all that detergent and no laundry, won’t you?  Apparently, one 100-ounce bottle is equal to about five bucks, which is on average a 75% discount from the retail price of the detergent.  I guess if you stole the Tide, a deep discount like that is tolerable.  Who knew black market participants were so picky about their laundry detergent, and are so fastidious about their clothes?

These are tough times, so only steal the best – steal Tide – accepted by under-the-table service providers, drug dealers, bookies, and maybe even prostitutes everywhere.  Tide is the new American Express, without all the portability and convenience. I sense an ad campaign in there somewhere.

Take Your Child to Work Day – China Edition

Brought to you by the geniuses at MotiFake – the ORIGINAL Demotivational Poster Community

Finance Wizards in the Senate Vote to Throw $11B to Post Office

The whiz-bang financial analysts of the United States Senate approved a measure that would give the Postal Service $11B (that’s Billion with a “B”), freeze most facilities closings that were planned to reduce costs, along with implementation of 5-day delivery. For the first time ever, I have to side with the Postmaster General on this issue:

“It is totally inappropriate in these economic times to keep unneeded facilities open. There is simply not enough mail in our system today,” the Postal Service’s board of governors said in a statement. “It is also inappropriate to delay the implementation of five-day delivery.”

This is coming from the guy who’s captain of the sinking ship, and throwing a life-preserver isn’t going to help this vessel – plugging holes and bailing is a better course. In fact, the Senate bill explicitly prohibits the USPS from making most of its cost-cutting measures for YEARS to come:

The Senate bill would halt the immediate closing of up to 252 mail-processing centers and 3,700 post offices, part of a postal cost-cutting plan to save some $6.5 billion a year. Donahoe previously said he would begin making cuts after May 15 if Congress didn’t act, warning that the agency could run out of money this fall.

The measure would save about half the mail processing centers the Postal Service wants to close, from 252 to 125, allowing more areas to maintain overnight first-class mail delivery for at least three more years. It also would bar any shutdowns before the November elections, protect rural post offices for at least a year, give affected communities new avenues to appeal closing decisions and forbid cuts to Saturday delivery for two years.

Got that?  The Senate wants to spend $11B this year to prevent the USPS from saving at least $6.5B every year, and start paring down its operation.  Since the Post Office is a creation of the Legislature, they require its authority to do anything, even save money.  Where the hell does this $11B come from, anyway?  The USPS reminds us on its website that

The Postal Service receives NO tax dollars for operating expenses and relies on the sale of postage, products and services to fund its operations. We are required by law to cover our costs.

Unless Congress says so. I smell election-year hijinks and 500,000 solid Democratic votes.  There are a nice bunch of Postal employees in swing states  according to workforce size by state listings. California, New York, and Texas are the states with the largest postal workforce, but filling in behind is : #4 Florida: 32,000, #6 Pennsylvania 27,600, #7 Ohio: 22,300, : #10 North Carolina 15,200 ,and  #12: Virginia 15,300. Interesting. It remains to be seen what the House of Representatives does with this next.

BREAKING: Magic Bean Firm Closes its Doors Despite $2Billion Govt Loan

WASHINGTON: While the Obama administration is facing intensifying scrutiny on the prudence of a number of “green company” guaranteed government loans, yet another company has shut it doors after receiving a $2 billion loan from the government only six months ago. Magic Beans, a privately held firm, received $2 billion in loans to finance their “mystical, magical, beanstalk windmill” project. The firm was supposedly devising a new genetically modified beanstalk that would eventually grow into a windmill-like structure, that could eventually be harnessed to produce wind power. The firm is based in downtown Washington, DC, and employed a dozen or so former lobbyists that worked to gain the loans as part of the President’s Green Power Works program. None of the firm’s board or any employee could be reached for comment. A White House spokesman claimed that “the business plan seemed solid, and it made us feel really warm inside to give them the seed money. Get it?  Seed money?”
The Obama administration is under fire for this and several other seemingly stupid investments that include the now bankrupt firms Solyndra, Evergreen Solar,  and SpectraWatt.

ANNOUNCED: Fundraising Event for Obama

WASHINGTON: The committee to re-elect President Obama today announced its latest fundraiser, scheduled for Friday, July 29th from 2-2:30 PM EST. The President is scheduled for his six-month dental cleaning, and ten contributors of $10 or more can attend this intimate event. Said area coordinator Sally Letterbee, “we’re running out of events to turn into fundraisers, but we think the American people, you know, the small donors, will like this one. It will show that the president is just like everybody else. Except people will realize that the President has dental insurance.  We’re hoping nobody will remember that the President’s big health care legislation didn’t include dental.” The group expects to have a lottery to determine attendees if more than 10 people sign up for the event. The committee notes that no “souvenirs” will be distributed, to include the little spit cup thingy, or the President’s bib.

BREAKING: Obama Threatens Rolling Blackouts if Debit Ceiling Not Raised

WASHINGTON – President Obama this morning warned that the country could face rolling blackouts if Republican lawmakers don’t compromise in raising the nation’s debt ceiling before August 2nd.  Of course, rolling blackouts in the heat of summer in an uncertain economy are really frightening to most Americans.  This comes after a contentious week of deliberation in which Republican lawmakers refuse to accept any new taxes to support additional government debt.  Unnamed sources in the administration note that “all options are on the table” as far as the President is concerned.  “He’s not going to back down.  If scaring the elderly won’t work, we’re not opposed to drowning kittens to get our way.  People like animals more than old people, anyway”.