After reading through the news over the last couple of weeks, I decided to jot down a couple of surprising things that will get you arrested and possibly sent to jail. Here, in America.
That’s plenty to think about for right now. Noodle on these for a while.
One of the BBC’s most well know comedians has been signed by Lifetime Television to star in their upcoming biographical movie of Supreme Court nominee, Elena Kagan. Although Kagan has not yet been confirmed (though confirmation is widely expected), Lifetime executives have inked a deal with Mr. Mitchell to star in the network’s original feature. American audiences will recognize Mr. Mitchell from the BBC and his wildly successful sketch comedy shows “That Mitchell and Webb Look“, and “Peep Show“, a partnership with longtime colleague Robert Webb. Mitchell allegedly signed the deal to “get his bloody foot in the door for some serious acting”. Mitchell, 36, has been performing since primary school, and became even more passionate about it while at Peterhouse, Cambridge, where he became president of their famous “Cambridge Footlights” performance group. Mr. Mitchell has also had several cameos and small roles on BBC programs, in addition to his successful comedic work with partner Robert Webb.
Lifetime executives had been shopping around two draft screenplays, when a low-level staffer happened upon Mitchell on BBC America. Mr. Mitchell, no stranger to dressing in drag for his comedic craft, jumped at the chance to play Kagan on the made-for-cable movie. “Well it won’t be much of a visual stretch, now will it?” suggested Mr. Mitchell, “I’ve got to really show my stuff to be taken seriously, and the viewers won’t be distracted by clumsy makeup and wardrobe. I’ll still look like me in a wig, but I’ll be acting like Ms. Kagan.”
Lifetime executives were asked if they thought their viewers, and Ms. Kagan, would be offended if the lead role in the movie were given to a man. Lifetime is, after all, a network “for women”, telling the story of a hard-working, intelligent woman, going boldly into a male-dominated field. These executives told us that “Lifetime network viewers are among the most sensitive, open-minded, and fair people in our country. They’ll support the best actor for the role, and will be empowered by the fact that they will be part of this courageous, ground-breaking decision. We also think that Ms. Kagan will be thrilled with the end product.”
Lifetime expects the feature to begin production at the end of the summer, with a broadcast date slated in the December time frame. The network anticipates signing Valerie Bertinelli for the role of Ms. Kagan’s best friend during law school, and is reportedly working with author Norah Roberts on the screenplay. Working titles include “Confirming Elena”, “My Lips are Sealed: The Elena Kagan Story”, and “That’s no Man, That’s Elena Kagan!”.
The Massachusetts legislature this week chose not to take action to toughen the state’s driving and licensing laws to address the seemingly endless instances of incompetent senior citizens driving on our roads. Luckily, most incidents result in property damage, but in some instances personal injury occurs, usually with no cognition of the events by the elderly driver. One representative said “there is little support for age-based testing at this point”. In lieu of toughening licensing and road test laws, the state has issued a mandate for all seniors to have a senior booster seat in their vehicles. The registry of Motor Vehicles believes that most of the “newsworthy incidents of perceived elderly carelessness are accompanied by drivers who actually cannot see over the dashboard”. Governor Patrick has approved of federal stimulus (TARP) funds to be used to subsidize the senior booster seats. Drivers who qualify will receive a seat free of charge. The state department of transportation along with the Registry of Motor Vehicles will publish the guidelines next week, along with announcing where seniors should go to get their boost. A new public awareness program will also be launched, called “Help Boost Them Up, Before they Mow You Down”. The state acknowledges the early costs of the program to be upwards of $158 million, half of which will be paid for by TARP funds, the other half of which will come from the new Booster Tax, that will add $5.00 to each new child booster seat sold in the Commonwealth. Booster seats are currently required for all passengers under the age of 10, until they measure 4’9″ tall.
I got my cat the SmartyKat ScratchPod scratching post thing (NOT as a Christmas gift), hoping he’ll rough up the cardboard block instead of the oriental rug in my dining room. I read the fine print on the instructions:
“Follow instructions for proper installation in ScratchPod. Close all latches and secure ScratchPod before use. Cats should be supervised when using the ScratchPod. Store out of pet’s reach when not in use. Intended for pets only. Contains small parts. Keep out of reach of children. Do not use or store near heat for flame.”
Oy vey, the whole thing is patently absurd. Attack of the hyperactive lawyers, I guess. I’ll be sure to supervise my cat this evening, you know, at 3am when he’s most apt to want to play “scratch the hell out of something”. Then I’ll store it safely in our fireproof lockbox, away from prying paws. Don’t tell anyone, but I left the toy (pieces of corrugated cardboard glued together) hanging on the door knob of the front door. The ASPCA will be able to look through the door’s side lights to see my unattended kitty playing with it anytime. Oh, but be assured that if I see my kids playing with this, there’ll be hell to pay!
This sign was right around the corner from an adult bookstore and movie theater (which featured both booth and theater viewing). I’m not a bad parent; it was on the way to a museum for goodness sakes, give me a break! Looks like they’re working on legalizing marijuana in Philadelphia. What else could it possibly be? My kids didn’t notice the sign, but I’m sure they would have an opinion on its meaning.
I mean, now we know that Cheerios are drugs, and the British have found that Pringles are in fact ‘crisps’ for tax purposes, but people here in the U.S. have been stymied by the Capn’ Crunch cereals for decades. A court in California has dismissed a complaint made by a consumer who claimed that she thought ‘crunchberries’ were a real fruit, and was surprised to find that they were just balls of sugary crunchy stuff (she purchased them for a four year period before working out the berry situation). I’m just passing this along, because you just never know these days. Other statements made by the court: Frankenberries and Booberries are not real fruit, Froot Loops are not loops of froot, Corn Pops are not popped corn, Lucky Charms have not proven to be lucky for anyone, Trix are not in any way magical, but Frosted Flakes are in fact Grrrrrrreat!
WASHINGTON: Insiders at the White House report that the President is rather sullen, having been snubbed by North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il this week. On Monday and Tuesday, North Korea reportedly tested three missiles and tested a nuclear device comparable to the Hiroshima and Nagasaki bombs. An unnamed source calimed that “BHO is a little down, because he sent Kim Jong-Il a “Captain Kirk Bear” from Vermont Teddy Bear before the Memorial Day weekend, and the overture was grossly rejected. BHO heard Jong-Il was kind of a Trekkie, and thought it was a good idea”. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton spoke off the record about the gift, and reportedly rolled her eyes and uttered something about a “friggin’ teddy bear for a dictator’, while officially she emphasized that North Korea will pay for its behavior, and that the US is still committed to six-party talks.
Though White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs would not comment on the gift to Jong-Il, a Vermont Teddy Bear employee did leak details of the “Supreme Court Judge Bear” sent to Sonia Sotomayor in New York. The note read “please be my nominee? BHO”, and was accompanied by a small box of chocolates and an autographed copy of “Dreams from my Father”.
The city of Providence, Rhode Island has been making itself over from the corruption-tainted ‘Renaissance City’ of Buddy Cianci, to the new and improved ‘Creative Capital’ of the biggest little state in the union, led by Mayor Don Carcieri. Local lawmakers are completely on board with the new campaign and have just this week adopted a ban on all indoor prostitution (the vote was 62-8). That’s right INDOOR prostitution. It seems that the brain trust that enacted revisions to the laws against prostitution in 1980 inadvertently banned only prostitution that occurs outdoors, and near a street. Consider the loophole closed – after only 19 years of complaints by city police and citizenry concerned with brothels operating in plain sight, the city is formally banning indoor prostitution as well the outdoor variety. Bring your family to Providence to see the sights; it’s family friendly now!
Here’s a solution that actually worked for a Montana man (after a summons, and being dragged into court anyway).
Yes, it’s the time of year we’ve all been waiting for :Be Kind to Lawyers Day! They’re not all so bad, why, they sometimes even HELP people. They’re not all chasing ambulances, or bringing suit against a major corporation because their client is a brain-dead buffoon who doesn’t know that hot coffee is hot. Lawyers run the machine that is America. Most of our elected officials were educated in the law (sometimes even American law), and spent at least some time in their lives lawyerin’. Put down your weapons and give them a break today. Tomorrow is tax day, so you can redouble your lawyer-hating efforts first thing in the morning.