Category Archives: Law Enforcement

Mother of the Year

No sarcasm intended here. Apparently this mom took her son to task for being a punk-ass thug during the “protests” (PC term for rioting and looting cuz you can) in Baltimore. He’s not so tough when his Mom comes around, eh? Rock on Mom, Child Protective Services is probably at your house already, but law enforcement will continue to let Baltimore burn.

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BREAKING: Obscure Document Suggests President Can’t Keep Legislating from the Podium

Fresh on the heels of yet another non-legislative change to the previously Congressionally-enacted Affordable Care Act (aka Obamacare), Cranky Mommy Investigations has uncovered an obscure document called the Constitution of the United States, hidden deep in the archives of the world-famous Smithsonian Institute. The document contains the ancient rules by which the country was founded and governed way back in those dark, neanderthal, rich white guy, colonial days. On its face, the document seems to define three branches of government and the responsibilities and powers of each.  But a closer reading  of all clauses suggests a “separation of powers” to encourage “checks and balances” between branches of government to ensure we don’t  become some kind of perverted dictatorship. This document is probably obsolete, however, since there were no teleprompters or opinion polls in those ancient days.  If only we were Constitutional Law Professors, this would all make sense to us!!

How Touching….

Today, Martin Luther King, Jr. Day, our African-American President is on the front page of every newspaper in the country sharing his opinion that marijuana is no more dangerous than alcohol “in terms of its impact on the individual consumer”.  He points out the discrepancy in arrests and punishment rates between whites, Latinos, and blacks for using marijuana .  These are the important issues of our time for which we are dying for he Great One’s opinion.  Forget Iran.  Forget the healthcare debacle.  Forget unemployment and shitty public education.  What a nice tribute.  Dr. King would be so proud. 

China Passes Law To Require Visits to Elderly Parents; US Continues Pushing Laws That Will Let you Kill Them

How can it be that China, where human life is arguably the most disposable in the world, could shame US by passing a law that requires families to visit their elderly parents, or at least “share greetings” with some frequency?  The law, an amended version of “Law of Protection of Rights and Interests of the Aged” is really fuzzy on details and definitions, but parents who feel snubbed can file suit against their miserable, ungrateful progeny. Generally no money is involved, but court-specified visitation can be ordered. Decades of “market reform” and rapid development has taken its toll on China’s extended families, and there is not a lot of infrastructure to care for the elderly who used to simply live with their families. Meanwhile, in the US, we keep trying to pass laws in many states that allow our elderly to “do the right thing” and eat poison applesauce for a “dignified death”, or to allow us to pull the plug on elders in expensive, icky, and potentially inconvenient long-term ill health.  Kind of a good thing we don’t have a law like that here – courts would be flooded with these cases, even with no money involved!

Dream Ticket

dreamticket

BREAKING: NFL STOPS SALES OF HERNANDEZ #81 SHIRT

Today the NFL reported that it has stopped sales of officially licensed products bearing Aaron Hernandez’ name and number (81).  They will, however, be offering t-shirts bearing his custody number (when released to the public) in green (signifying that he has not been convicted).

BREAKING: SENATE IDENTIFIES NEVADA AS “BORDER” STATE

WASHINGTON: The Senate, in passing the latest bogus amendment to its comprehensive Immigration Bill, has identified the state of Nevada as being a “border” state, which gives it equal sway to other conventional border states with respect to immigration enforcement and guidelines, etc.  Elementary school children across the country will return to school in the Fall, very confused as to the new mapping of the western United States, but if the Senate says it is so, it must be true.  They are smarter than all of us. If enacted, the CBO estimates that the Immigration Bill will spur $12 million of growth in the map re-printing sector.

Reason #523 Not to Tattoo Your Name on Your Back

It makes it easier to identify you when you are recorded committing crimes. Freaky-deaky crimes. Which is how they caught this character. Here are a couple of tidbits:

Then, in what will surely repulse Dr. John’s staffers, Perales walked into the manager’s office, removed his clothes, opened some of the merchandise, and “began to please himself anally on the manager’s desk and futon/couch.”

During his time inside the store, “Perales proceeded to try on female lingerie and experiment with sex toys for approximately two hours,” the complaint notes. When he departed Dr. John’s he was “wearing a dress and blond wig belonging to the business.” He also left with a bag “containing various items belonging to the business.”

This guy was obviously bored by the cable offerings on Friday night. He had a couple of hours to kill before he had to pick up his kids from the movies. You can read the whole thing at TMZ.

Tide Detergent is the Street’s Gold Standard Currency

I tried to pay the guy who mows my lawn with five 100-ounce bottles of Era laundry detergent, and he looked at me like I had three heads or something.  “Era?” he gasped, “don’t you know only Tide in its trademarked orange bottle can be used in lieu of currency these days?”.  Oh, sorry,  my bad. I apologized and wrote him a check.

You can’t buy your drugs with Era, or generic laundry detergent, either.  Only Tide will do; it is a brand name that is respected by shoplifters and street currency purveyors nationwide.  A wave of Tide theft has swept over the country, though I find it hard to believe that it is easy to stroll out of a store with a cart full of bright orange 100-ounce bottles.  From coast to coast, retailers are under assault from thieves stealing, of all things, Tide detergent.  Laundry detergent is expensive (up to $20 for a large bottle), and “everybody needs it”, so it stands to reason that Tide detergent has emerged as a popular street currency.  Police and retailers are quick to point out that there aren’t serial numbers on bottles of detergent, so it is hard to track stolen items. I think it isn’t hard to track down a guy running through the parking lot with a cart full of detergent.

Maybe the folks stealing the detergent don’t realize that “currency” is generally a portable medium of exchange.  If you need a grocery cart full of plastic bottles to pay your bookie or drug dealer, you’ll be awfully conspicuous walking down the street with all that detergent and no laundry, won’t you?  Apparently, one 100-ounce bottle is equal to about five bucks, which is on average a 75% discount from the retail price of the detergent.  I guess if you stole the Tide, a deep discount like that is tolerable.  Who knew black market participants were so picky about their laundry detergent, and are so fastidious about their clothes?

These are tough times, so only steal the best – steal Tide – accepted by under-the-table service providers, drug dealers, bookies, and maybe even prostitutes everywhere.  Tide is the new American Express, without all the portability and convenience. I sense an ad campaign in there somewhere.

Things that will get you arrested. In America.

After reading through the news over the last couple of weeks, I decided to jot down a couple of  surprising things that will get you arrested and possibly sent to jail.  Here, in America.

Making your 10-year old child walk to school after he got kicked off the bus for the last time.

Not finishing the siding on your house to the satisfaction of local authorities.

Being drawn holding a gun, by your 4-year old daughter .

Flying the American Flag.

That’s plenty to think about for right now.  Noodle on these for a while.