Category Archives: International News

‘Just For Men’ Wants Rouhani for Ads

combine_images

Iranian President Hassan Rouhani before and after using Combe’s ‘Just for Men’ product.

After the negotiation of the historic Joint Comprehensive Plan of Action (JCPOA) in 2015, American companies are able to legally engage in business in the Islamic Republic of Iran.  We usually think of companies in the energy or transportation sectors, but personal care products giant Combe Incorporated has made a bet that the Iranian market is ripe for its Just for Men hair coloring.  Senior Vice President of Sales and Marketing  James Kelly plans to launch the product in Iran, and has offered a spokesperson job to Iranian President Hassan Rouhani, who has allegedly been using the product in the 20 month run-up to the nuclear deal completed last year. The product is not currently available in Iran, and rumor has it the Rouhani had some shipped illicitly from France.

Just for Men is hair dye specifically marketed to men to gradually darken hair, beards, mustaches, and sideburns.  The product is already available in Israel, but nowhere else in the Middle East.  Kelly’s research indicates that there are loads and loads of beards in the rest of the Middle East, largely for religious reasons, with nary a hair care product available on the market.  He is also confident that his product to darken grey hair (beards) would be allowed under most religious laws in the region.  Kelly expects Rouhani to accept his offer as soon as Combe’s corporate plane full of US dollars lands in Tehran.

Combe Incorporated is a privately held company founded in 1949, with world headquarters in White Plains, New York.

 

 

Advertisements

Come on in! The water is fine!

JAN 13TH – More great news for athletes competing in sailing, open-water swimming, and triathlon at the Olympics in Rio de Janeiro in August:  dead fish and garbage!  Officials are investigating and aren’t too worried, because the fish were likely dumped from trawlers due to their low commercial value.  The trash is just, well, plain old floating trash.  They will report back in five days with their water analysis.  I’d get caught up on all my shots, is all I’m saying.

UPDATE: Haven’t heard anything from Brazilian officials, so I’m sure the tests came back fine.  Commence selling all that crappy Rio Olympic merchandise!

Hallmark Channel to obtain rights to Iran/US Sailor Story

The Hallmark Channel is close to receiving approvals from the State Department to produce a heartwarming, feel-good movie about the happy, diplomatic resolution to yesterday’s interaction between the Iranian and US Navies.  According to State sources, the US Naval vessels were straying into Iranian waters as a result of some sort of mechanical failure.  The Iranian Navy  provided mechanical assistance (and even checked out the American communications equipment for good measure), kept the sailors warm and safe (to include a hijab for the female sailor), and provided overnight accommodations (the hummus was reportedly out of this world), before sending them on their way.  State also added that there were unconfirmed reports of hugs exchanged before the US vessels got back underway.  It is unknown whether the piece would include portrayal of the potential disciplinary action for those American sailors who were clearly in the wrong.

“Our viewers look forward to schmaltzy stories of new found friendships and dramatic changes of heart ; we make a lot of money making up stories in that vein, but producing a story based on a real-life event would be a big win for us” said Barry Heart, Senior Executive of Production.

The two-hour special will highlight the new environment of cooperation between the two previously at-odds nations, and how diplomacy and civilized discourse can solve any problem.   Hallmark expects to receive approval from the State Department this week.  The production would be slated to air in mid or late October.

Tehran University Wins Bid for Obama Presidential Library

200px-University_of_Tehran_logo.svg

Go Blue Jackals!

TEHRAN, IRAN – The Barack Obama Foundation has announced that Tehran University will be the site of the Obama Presidential Library.

The announcement comes after almost a year of behind-the-scenes negotiations and jockeying, largely among the University of Illinois at Chicago, University of Chicago, University of Hawaii, and Coumbia University.  The Tehran University was a late entrant to the bidding process, and yet seems to have closed the deal.  Close Obama friend, Martin Nesbitt was charged with overseeing the bidding process, and announced that

“Tehran University put together the most comprehensive package, committing to a very generous capital investment and a strong commitment to developing future programming.  The library will be a monument to Obama’s eight years in office, and the base from which he will launch future initiatives”.

While the costs for a domestic site were estimated around $500 million, the Tehran University site is expected to cost almost double that, provided economic sanctions are lifted before construction begins.  These figures would ensure that the library would be the most expensive in history. “TU committed to a number that blew all the domestic sites right out of the water”, noted Nesbitt’s assistant Daniel Hader, “they have the means and the will to ensure the Obama Presidential Library will be a proper monument to this great man”.   The University will also sponsor the Barack H. Obama School of International Relations, Diplomacy, and Ethics, the first school of its kind in the nation. With TU funding most of the construction,additional fundraising efforts will largely support programming and maintenance of the library. The fundraising arm of the Foundation has collected almost $5 million this year. These funds will be forwarded to the new team in Tehran, which will coordinate fundraising with both Foundation and University donor lists, hoping to ensure an effort that will fund programming and activities for generations to come.

BREAKING: NEW TERMS IN IRANIAN NUKE DEAL

An unidentified source has leaked the content of new terms demanded by the Iranian delegation in the ongoing nuclear talks being held in Switzerland.  In addition to a demand of front-loading the elimination of economic sanctions, Iran is adding a rider that would require a new 16-ounce bowl of green m&m’s on the Ayatollah’s desk each morning, and a high quality  digital recording of Secretary of State John F. Kerry singing “You’ve Got A Friend”.

Parallel Universe/Black Hole Alert

Bizarro Superman, Coming Soon?

Bizarro Superman, Coming Soon?

Scientists at the CERN center in Geneva are going to crank up the Large Hadron Collider  this week, hoping to detect or even create miniature black holes.  If they are successful, they can even reveal parallel universes.  Does that mean like Bizarro world on the Superfriends?  I’m no physicist, but aren’t even teensy tiny black holes kinda dangerous?  Hmmmm.  It’s supposed to be a “game-changer”. Stay tuned and keep an eye on your event horizon.

Awwwww, these guys didn’t get enough hugs as children….

ISIS goes on violent rampage in Syria, raging against the blasphemy that is Mother’s Day, and any cakes that support it.  No cake for you!

Breaking: Obama Warns, Russia Yawns

More weak talk from the White House predictably does absolutely nothing to deter the Russians from sending troops to the Ukraine. New vocabulary words already being dispensed to press: it’s not an invasion, it is an “uncontested incursion”. So nobody, especially us, has to step in. It’s very nuanced for us common folk to understand. Get back to your cocktail party, everyone, nothing to see here!

If they work as well as the bathrooms in Sochi, I’d be wary…

“100,000 Condoms available to Sochi Olympians

Russian Olympic Bathroom Etiquette

I’m hanging this up in both bathrooms of MY house. I am sick and tired of the kids fishing in my toilets, and whatever it is that last picture is supposed to be.  Is the stick man shooting up drugs next to a toilet?   I guess even illicit behavior in the vicinity of a toilet will clog it in Russia.  If it’s good enough for the Olympics, it is good enough for my house – Cranky Children be warned!  All the nonsense depicted on this poster better stop!  Pronto!