Category Archives: Health

If they work as well as the bathrooms in Sochi, I’d be wary…

“100,000 Condoms available to Sochi Olympians

Waiting for the elevator at the doctor’s office…

…and I saw this seminar advertised on an electronic bulletin board:

Fecal Incontinence – the Ins and Outs

Not a joke. I guess it’s a big issue. But the lady in the picture was smiling, so it must not be that bad.

Don’t Define Me By My Lady-Bits! Wait, Here’s a Photo of My Lady-Bits!

If you post a photo of my private parts, it is offensive, pornographic, and an assault on the beauty, independence, and value of women.  It is proof positive that there is a war on women.  If I post a photo of my private parts, I am celebrating my beauty, independence, and value.  It is proof positive of the power of women.  If you are in the mood, or not feeling very confident about your lady-bits, pose for a crotch shot, and send it to the Large Labia Project.  “Show your labia pride.” Honestly, ladies, we are our own worst enemy.

Why Coffee Makes You Poop

No shit –  from the VA Viper is the snarky summary, and for the braniacs out there – here is the real science behind the magic!

Epi Pens = YES, Rectal Syringes = NO

In today’s world, many parents have been faced with having an Epi (epinephrine) pen thrust at them when another parent drops off a child that has a severe allergy of some kind. The first time it happened to me, the Dad dropped the kid, chucked the Epi kit at me, and ditched without saying a word.  Ok, not so helpful, and a teensy bit scary. Other parents have asked in advance about my comfort level with administering Epi, etc. and I appreciate the head’s up.  The Epi pens have clear instructions on them, and in the event of an emergency, you simply plunge that bad boy into the child’s thigh and push. Quite simple. So simple that children are taught to do this themselves at an early age.

On a somewhat related note, I read about a recreation group in Illinois being sued under the Americans With disabilities Act because they refused to administer the following epilepsy medication at their camp:

The medication, Diastat AcuDial, comes in a pre-filled syringe with a plastic tip and must be administered through a person’s rectum.

Ummmm. For real? Ask yourself if you want a camp counselor to administer anything through your child’s rectum.  Ask the parent at your child’s next playdate if they would be ok with that.  Ask yourself how psyched you would be to administer that to your own kids??? Talk this one up at your next PTO meeting or cocktail party. Go ahead, I’ll wait.

UPDATE: Starbucks Drops the Bugs!!

After facing withering pressure from the vegetarian/vegan/kosher/halal/PETA/Bug-Loving segment of its client base, and reported here,  Starbucks has dropped the cochineal bug extract from its red-colored foods. Now a tomato-based extract will be used. Strawberry Frappuccinos will now cost $9.00 a pop. Hooray!

Vegans Ticked off that there are BUGS in their Frappuccino

OH THE HORROR! First, it’s funny that only vegans are bummed about bugs in their designer beverages, shouldn’t we all be?  Second, it is ironic that “bugs” count as “animals” in the vegan pantheon.  Don’t we accidentally eat bugs all the time?  Are there such things as endangered insects? (As a matter of fact, there are).   Don’t vegans read labels and relentlessly study everything before they eat it?

The bugs in question are cochineal beetles – used in a bazillion things we eat every day.  They are used for their red color, and according to Wikipedia can be found in “meat, sausages, processed poultry products, surimi, marinades, alcoholic drinks, bakery products and toppings, cookies, desserts, icings, pie fillings, jams, preserves, gelatin desserts, juice beverages, varieties of cheddar cheese and other dairy products, sauces, and sweets”.  Starbucks uses the beetle extract in lieu of artificial, chemical, potentially carcinogenic colorings.

Save the bugs! PETA is mad, too.   According to their website, “Reportedly, 70,000 beetles must be killed to produce one pound of this red dye. Used in cosmetics, shampoos, red apple sauce, and other foods (including red lollipops and food coloring). May cause allergic reaction. Alternatives: beet juice (used in powders, rouges, shampoos; no known toxicity), alkanet root (from the root of this herb-like tree; used as a red dye for inks, wines, lip balms, etc.; no known toxicity; can also be combined to make a copper or blue coloring)”.

But that’s not all:  it seems that devout Muslims should be upset because eating foods with these beetles is haraam (forbidden), and Jews should also avoid eating these products (though they are not specifically designated as treif (non-conforming)).

But wait, vegetarians, vegans, Muslims, Jews, and PETA : there is more bad news!  The FDA has guidelines for how many insects can be in your other supposed vegan-safe foods before it is an actionable item in inspection.  Among others:

Macaroni and Noodle products can have “average of 225 insect fragments or more than 225 grams in 6 or more subsamples”.  Yummy!

Spices, like Crushed Oregano can have an “average of 300 or more insect fragments per 10 grams”. Crunchy!

Peas and Beans (Dried) can “average 5% or more by count insect-infested and/or insect-damaged by storage insects in a minimum of 12 subsamples”.  Mmmmm.

Golden Raisins can have “10 or more whole or equivalent insects and 35 Drosophilia eggs per 8 oz.”  Fruit flies.  Fruit flies or their equivalent.  Delicious!

Good news for all:  you can save $6 and purchase a different beverage.  Novel, huh? Embrace the bugs; they will be here longer than we will.  Honestly.

BREAKING: Gov’t Plans to Require ID for French Fry Purchases

WASHINGTON: House Democrats this morning announced a plan to file legislation that would require restaurants to request valid ID to purchase french fries. The draft legislation is a response to the push to curb childhood obesity, a goal championed by First Lady Michelle Obama. The bill goes further than Mrs. Obama’s push for the removal of french fries in children’s meals, and requires the presentation of a state or federally issued identification that proves the holder is age 18 or older.  Ima Noseybich (D-CA), who drafted the bill says “This is the only way we can be sure that our children can be protected against the evil menace of french fries; it is the third in our nutrition axis of evil.  We’ve already been working on demonizing soda and chocolate milk, and french fries are far more insipid than the others”. 

House Republicans had no response other than stifled laughter at the press conference, but when that settled down they wondered if these same folks would support a national voter ID requirement.  Ms. Noseybich was not amused, and added “of course not, it would be a violation of the Constitution”.  Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano has not yet weighed in on adding french fries to the ongoing national security threat list.  Cranky Mommy readers may recall when the KFC  “Double Down” sandwich was added as a major national security threat in April of 2010.

Gosh, what is the heat index at my jobsite? There’s an app for that!

Do you work outdoors? Have you often wondered how hot and/or humid your work site is? Are you unsure if you should drink more water to stay hydrated? Are you aware of the symptoms of heat illnesses? These questions and more can be answered with the Department of Labor’s new “Heat Safety Tool” application (currently only available for Android phones).

Now workers and supervisors can find out the answers to these important questions using the tool, and plan out the working day based on the conditions and precautions described. Employees and employers can now be prepared with adequate hydration, rotating break schedules, and little tents to set up to keep workers cool in the shade.

The app is part of OSHA’s (Occupational Safety & Health Administration) Campaign to Prevent Heat Illness in Outdoor Workers.  The administration targeted the safety of outdoor workers since the economy has changed in the last few years from being based on safe, indoor, mostly air-conditioned work, to stimulus-funded outdoor construction or labor jobs.  Campaign manager Joseph Concussa says “People are taking less skilled jobs to make ends meet, and that usually means working outdoors.  We want to help them stay safe.”  The administration admittedly is offering help to non-union job sites, since union rules have strict guidelines on weather conditions in which members can  work. It also isn’t really applicable for people with even the teeniest bit of common sense, since heat and outdoor work have been around for a very long time.

It is unclear on how much was spent on the phone application and safety campaign, but detractors point at this type of “help” as make-work that is too expensive at any cost.  Proponents complain that while the campaign literature is available in Spanish, the application shows information only in English, and degrees Farenheit.

OSHA plans on launching its “Chill Index Tool” in mid-winter. This application will use wind speed and air temperature to calculate the total chill index, and remind workers when to wear hats, and gloves, when to add an extra layer for warmth, how much hot chocolate to bring, and how long each guy gets to sit in the pickup truck for heat.  OSHA expects the app to be available on more devices at that time.

ANNOUNCED: Fundraising Event for Obama

WASHINGTON: The committee to re-elect President Obama today announced its latest fundraiser, scheduled for Friday, July 29th from 2-2:30 PM EST. The President is scheduled for his six-month dental cleaning, and ten contributors of $10 or more can attend this intimate event. Said area coordinator Sally Letterbee, “we’re running out of events to turn into fundraisers, but we think the American people, you know, the small donors, will like this one. It will show that the president is just like everybody else. Except people will realize that the President has dental insurance.  We’re hoping nobody will remember that the President’s big health care legislation didn’t include dental.” The group expects to have a lottery to determine attendees if more than 10 people sign up for the event. The committee notes that no “souvenirs” will be distributed, to include the little spit cup thingy, or the President’s bib.