Category Archives: Donkeys!

Easter Egg Roll Decimated by Sequester – No Candy!

WASHINGTON – The White House confirmed that the annual Easter Egg Roll will take place on April 1st, as scheduled, but will be greatly affected by the current Sequester. The annual event will host 35,000 people on the Monday after Easter, and this year’s theme will be “Be Healthy, Be Active, Be You!”. Scheduled activities include dancing, stories, sports, healthy cooking demonstrations, and voter registration. The White House confirms that there will not be a single jelly bean or piece of candy available at the celebration, because the greedy, do-nothing Republicans in Congress won’t let the kids have any Easter candy so their rich friends can get richer. White House Press Secretary Jay Carney noted, “the White House is doing the best it can under the circumstances, and those healthy activities are the only ones we can afford right now. It’s about making tough decisions. I feel sorry for those kids”.

BREAKING: Carter Demands UN Observers at Vatican’s Conclave

ATLANTA – Former President Jimmy Carter has announced a demand for United Nations observers at the upcoming conclave at the Vatican to elect the next Pope. The Carter Center is also preparing a team of observers who will, among other things, ensure that no voter ID requirements are applied, and that all Cardinals will vote at least once. More details as they become available.

Dyslexic Girl Suspended for Writing Essay About Gnu

Boston, MA – Sixth-grader Elizabeth Harmon was suspended from the Jarvis Herman Middle School last week, after she authored an MCAS practice essay about her favorite gun.  Administrators at the school cite a zero tolerance policy toward speaking, writing, drawing, gesturing, and otherwise suggesting firearms or other threatening subjects.  Elizabeth’s parents, John and Susan Harmon were shocked to learn that their daughter was suspended for three days, especially since she suffers from severe dyslexia, a learning disability that impairs the ability to read, often accompanied by written letter reversal and mirror writing.  Elizabeth had actually written about her favorite gnu – named Mossberg – which she visits at her uncle’s farm in Western Massachusetts. After the Harmons contacted the school about the mix-up, administrators continued to stand by their suspension decision  because of the emotional harm and disturbing images suggested to the teacher correcting the essay, regardless of the student’s intent. The as-yet unidentified teacher is currently on leave as she recovers from the essay ordeal.   Additionally, Principal Joseph Muggers suggested that “the proper name for such an animal is “wildebeest”, which is completely non-threatening no matter how you spell it”. Principal Muggers offered no additional comments.  Mr. and Mrs. Harmon intend to continue to fight the suspension, and are considering bringing suit against the school.

Finance Wizards in the Senate Vote to Throw $11B to Post Office

The whiz-bang financial analysts of the United States Senate approved a measure that would give the Postal Service $11B (that’s Billion with a “B”), freeze most facilities closings that were planned to reduce costs, along with implementation of 5-day delivery. For the first time ever, I have to side with the Postmaster General on this issue:

“It is totally inappropriate in these economic times to keep unneeded facilities open. There is simply not enough mail in our system today,” the Postal Service’s board of governors said in a statement. “It is also inappropriate to delay the implementation of five-day delivery.”

This is coming from the guy who’s captain of the sinking ship, and throwing a life-preserver isn’t going to help this vessel – plugging holes and bailing is a better course. In fact, the Senate bill explicitly prohibits the USPS from making most of its cost-cutting measures for YEARS to come:

The Senate bill would halt the immediate closing of up to 252 mail-processing centers and 3,700 post offices, part of a postal cost-cutting plan to save some $6.5 billion a year. Donahoe previously said he would begin making cuts after May 15 if Congress didn’t act, warning that the agency could run out of money this fall.

The measure would save about half the mail processing centers the Postal Service wants to close, from 252 to 125, allowing more areas to maintain overnight first-class mail delivery for at least three more years. It also would bar any shutdowns before the November elections, protect rural post offices for at least a year, give affected communities new avenues to appeal closing decisions and forbid cuts to Saturday delivery for two years.

Got that?  The Senate wants to spend $11B this year to prevent the USPS from saving at least $6.5B every year, and start paring down its operation.  Since the Post Office is a creation of the Legislature, they require its authority to do anything, even save money.  Where the hell does this $11B come from, anyway?  The USPS reminds us on its website that

The Postal Service receives NO tax dollars for operating expenses and relies on the sale of postage, products and services to fund its operations. We are required by law to cover our costs.

Unless Congress says so. I smell election-year hijinks and 500,000 solid Democratic votes.  There are a nice bunch of Postal employees in swing states  according to workforce size by state listings. California, New York, and Texas are the states with the largest postal workforce, but filling in behind is : #4 Florida: 32,000, #6 Pennsylvania 27,600, #7 Ohio: 22,300, : #10 North Carolina 15,200 ,and  #12: Virginia 15,300. Interesting. It remains to be seen what the House of Representatives does with this next.

Women are Bitches – to Each Other

Democratic Adviser Hillary Rosen opened the angry-mommy floodgates this week by arguing that Ann Romney “never worked a day in her life”, so she should not opine on economic matters.  She could have said that the Romneys have never dealt with financial hardship, so they cannot relate to Americans that are in dire financial straits, and that would have been a factual observation. But instead, she said what many liberals (to include liberal women) believe: that choosing to stay home and raise your children is an under-utilization of your skills and intelligence, and a cop-out to accepting real-world responsibility.  This was just another slap at traditional American family life, delivered by a person very close to the White House.  Ms. Rosen dug herself deeper when she “apologized” for coming off badly, but she kind of flubbed that, and I think she said exactly what she wanted to say.  Now the Democrats are running for cover to distance themselves.  But the message was delivered.  And received.

Ann Romney never had to get a job and just stayed home with her kids = Bad!

Sarah Palin was governor of a state and ran as Vice President and did not stay at home with her kids = Bad! Very, very bad!

Hillary Clinton famously commented that “I suppose I could have stayed home and baked cookies and had teas, but what I decided to do was to fulfill my profession which I entered before my husband was in public life” = You go, girl!

Today’s feminism is not about supporting women in their almost limitless choices in this day and age, or about ensuring equal opportunities for women, or supporting women’s rights worldwide (cue the crickets on the liberal response to women’s rights worldwide).  Today’s feminism is about women applying a different set of standards to other women, depending on which side of the aisle they sit on.  And the bottom line to all of this unprincipled posing, posturing, and judging is abortion.  It seems that the unfettered right to abortion is the modern woman’s Holy Grail, and it must not be threatened in any way.  Are we seriously so “evolved” that this is the single most important issue in our lives? What does that say about us as women, if the most important issue in our lives is the ability to end one?

We do not have to agree with each others’ choices, but we must respect and support them.  To be used by politicians to apply a double standard to different women makes Ms. Rosen and her ilk unprincipled whores, plain and simple.  And I respect their decision to be whores – tools of men in power, but I certainly do not agree with their choice. Now if you’ll excuse me, I must get out of my bubble bath, stop eating my bon-bons, and get to library duty at my kids’ elementary school.

“Albino Rhino” Beer Name Offensive

First let me  point out the humor at seeing a Canadian news story that includes the words “beer” and “complaint” but has nothing to do with running out of said “beer”.  Anyway,  a patron of Earl’s Restaurant chain finds the name of one of their beers – Albino Rhino – a violation of her human rights. She says that the name

“demeans her and other albinos by deliberately evoking a sense of oddness about the condition”

The complainant is Nigerian-born, where albinos are targets of ritualistic murder or rape. Jeez – a quick google search suggests that there has never been a ritual murder or rape of an albino person in Canada. Here are some other beers that might elicit charges of human rights violations in Canada:

 Blind Pig IPA – oh, really funny – blind pigs? Aren’t we cruel enough to pigs already?

Rabbid Rabbit – Getting all those shots is not humorous. There’s no cure for rabies.

Fat Cat Red Ale – Obesity is a global epidemic. Not cool; it’s not even a light beer.

Scratchin’ Hippo – Lots of people have skin conditions. So hurtful.

 Cougar Bait Beer– well, this isn’t about actual cougars, you know, but ladies who fancy themselves “cougars” might be ticked off at any insinuation here.

Syphilitic Camel – just kidding, there is no such beer (but there should be); this is a shout out to Glenn Reynolds at Instapundit.

Perhaps if someone brewed up a batch of “Thin-Skinned Ass” they would have reason to bawl about it, but until then, Albino Rhino and the others are  just kinds of  beer (which you don’t have to actually purchase and/or consume)!

Happy Meal Lawsuit Dismissed – Sorry, Whine-Country Parents!

Hooray for common sense, and hooray for the flushing of this kind of flotsam and jetsam that clog our nation’s judicial system.  I’m lovin’ it! The suit alleged that McDonald’s engaged in a:

“predatory practice that undermines parents, causes rifts in families and harms kids’ health.”

A crappy twenty-five cent toy can do all that?  In that case, I am off to court to file suit against Apple and Nintendo, because Angry Birds and Just Dance 3 are undermining me and my husband, causing rifts in my family! Boo hoo! Get a grip, losers, and try  to start acting like grown-ups.

BREAKING: Gov’t Plans to Require ID for French Fry Purchases

WASHINGTON: House Democrats this morning announced a plan to file legislation that would require restaurants to request valid ID to purchase french fries. The draft legislation is a response to the push to curb childhood obesity, a goal championed by First Lady Michelle Obama. The bill goes further than Mrs. Obama’s push for the removal of french fries in children’s meals, and requires the presentation of a state or federally issued identification that proves the holder is age 18 or older.  Ima Noseybich (D-CA), who drafted the bill says “This is the only way we can be sure that our children can be protected against the evil menace of french fries; it is the third in our nutrition axis of evil.  We’ve already been working on demonizing soda and chocolate milk, and french fries are far more insipid than the others”. 

House Republicans had no response other than stifled laughter at the press conference, but when that settled down they wondered if these same folks would support a national voter ID requirement.  Ms. Noseybich was not amused, and added “of course not, it would be a violation of the Constitution”.  Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano has not yet weighed in on adding french fries to the ongoing national security threat list.  Cranky Mommy readers may recall when the KFC  “Double Down” sandwich was added as a major national security threat in April of 2010.

Gosh, what is the heat index at my jobsite? There’s an app for that!

Do you work outdoors? Have you often wondered how hot and/or humid your work site is? Are you unsure if you should drink more water to stay hydrated? Are you aware of the symptoms of heat illnesses? These questions and more can be answered with the Department of Labor’s new “Heat Safety Tool” application (currently only available for Android phones).

Now workers and supervisors can find out the answers to these important questions using the tool, and plan out the working day based on the conditions and precautions described. Employees and employers can now be prepared with adequate hydration, rotating break schedules, and little tents to set up to keep workers cool in the shade.

The app is part of OSHA’s (Occupational Safety & Health Administration) Campaign to Prevent Heat Illness in Outdoor Workers.  The administration targeted the safety of outdoor workers since the economy has changed in the last few years from being based on safe, indoor, mostly air-conditioned work, to stimulus-funded outdoor construction or labor jobs.  Campaign manager Joseph Concussa says “People are taking less skilled jobs to make ends meet, and that usually means working outdoors.  We want to help them stay safe.”  The administration admittedly is offering help to non-union job sites, since union rules have strict guidelines on weather conditions in which members can  work. It also isn’t really applicable for people with even the teeniest bit of common sense, since heat and outdoor work have been around for a very long time.

It is unclear on how much was spent on the phone application and safety campaign, but detractors point at this type of “help” as make-work that is too expensive at any cost.  Proponents complain that while the campaign literature is available in Spanish, the application shows information only in English, and degrees Farenheit.

OSHA plans on launching its “Chill Index Tool” in mid-winter. This application will use wind speed and air temperature to calculate the total chill index, and remind workers when to wear hats, and gloves, when to add an extra layer for warmth, how much hot chocolate to bring, and how long each guy gets to sit in the pickup truck for heat.  OSHA expects the app to be available on more devices at that time.

BREAKING: President Obama to begin thinking about maybe giving a speech next month on how there’s like a big problem with jobs all of a sudden.

Meanwhile, he’ll be on the Vineyard. Friggin’ idiot.