Category Archives: Crime

Mother of the Year

No sarcasm intended here. Apparently this mom took her son to task for being a punk-ass thug during the “protests” (PC term for rioting and looting cuz you can) in Baltimore. He’s not so tough when his Mom comes around, eh? Rock on Mom, Child Protective Services is probably at your house already, but law enforcement will continue to let Baltimore burn.

BREAKING: NFL STOPS SALES OF HERNANDEZ #81 SHIRT

Today the NFL reported that it has stopped sales of officially licensed products bearing Aaron Hernandez’ name and number (81).  They will, however, be offering t-shirts bearing his custody number (when released to the public) in green (signifying that he has not been convicted).

Reason #523 Not to Tattoo Your Name on Your Back

It makes it easier to identify you when you are recorded committing crimes. Freaky-deaky crimes. Which is how they caught this character. Here are a couple of tidbits:

Then, in what will surely repulse Dr. John’s staffers, Perales walked into the manager’s office, removed his clothes, opened some of the merchandise, and “began to please himself anally on the manager’s desk and futon/couch.”

During his time inside the store, “Perales proceeded to try on female lingerie and experiment with sex toys for approximately two hours,” the complaint notes. When he departed Dr. John’s he was “wearing a dress and blond wig belonging to the business.” He also left with a bag “containing various items belonging to the business.”

This guy was obviously bored by the cable offerings on Friday night. He had a couple of hours to kill before he had to pick up his kids from the movies. You can read the whole thing at TMZ.

Tide Detergent is the Street’s Gold Standard Currency

I tried to pay the guy who mows my lawn with five 100-ounce bottles of Era laundry detergent, and he looked at me like I had three heads or something.  “Era?” he gasped, “don’t you know only Tide in its trademarked orange bottle can be used in lieu of currency these days?”.  Oh, sorry,  my bad. I apologized and wrote him a check.

You can’t buy your drugs with Era, or generic laundry detergent, either.  Only Tide will do; it is a brand name that is respected by shoplifters and street currency purveyors nationwide.  A wave of Tide theft has swept over the country, though I find it hard to believe that it is easy to stroll out of a store with a cart full of bright orange 100-ounce bottles.  From coast to coast, retailers are under assault from thieves stealing, of all things, Tide detergent.  Laundry detergent is expensive (up to $20 for a large bottle), and “everybody needs it”, so it stands to reason that Tide detergent has emerged as a popular street currency.  Police and retailers are quick to point out that there aren’t serial numbers on bottles of detergent, so it is hard to track stolen items. I think it isn’t hard to track down a guy running through the parking lot with a cart full of detergent.

Maybe the folks stealing the detergent don’t realize that “currency” is generally a portable medium of exchange.  If you need a grocery cart full of plastic bottles to pay your bookie or drug dealer, you’ll be awfully conspicuous walking down the street with all that detergent and no laundry, won’t you?  Apparently, one 100-ounce bottle is equal to about five bucks, which is on average a 75% discount from the retail price of the detergent.  I guess if you stole the Tide, a deep discount like that is tolerable.  Who knew black market participants were so picky about their laundry detergent, and are so fastidious about their clothes?

These are tough times, so only steal the best – steal Tide – accepted by under-the-table service providers, drug dealers, bookies, and maybe even prostitutes everywhere.  Tide is the new American Express, without all the portability and convenience. I sense an ad campaign in there somewhere.

Victims of Communism Day

Today is May 1st, and instead of “Occupying” something and whining that I don’t have a Porsche and free birth control and a pony, while attending a swank Ivy League school, or some other loathsome pursuit, I chose to read today’s Volokh Conspiracy.  Since 2007, they have been commemorating the victims of brutal Communist regimes worldwide, not just in Russia or China. Ilya Somin wrote, in 2007:

The authoritative Black Book of Communism estimates the total at 80 to 100 million dead, greater than that caused by all other twentieth century tyrannies combined. We appropriately have a Holocaust Memorial Day. It is equally appropriate to commemorate the victims of the twentieth century’s other great totalitarian tyranny. And May Day is the most fitting day to do so.

And so I remember, hoping the fools “protesting”about everything they want but don’t have, using hollow communist slogans to feel smarter than everyone else under the guise of “fairness”, will someday soon get a clue.

Things that will get you arrested. In America.

After reading through the news over the last couple of weeks, I decided to jot down a couple of  surprising things that will get you arrested and possibly sent to jail.  Here, in America.

Making your 10-year old child walk to school after he got kicked off the bus for the last time.

Not finishing the siding on your house to the satisfaction of local authorities.

Being drawn holding a gun, by your 4-year old daughter .

Flying the American Flag.

That’s plenty to think about for right now.  Noodle on these for a while.

 

 

 

 

BREAKING: Tilikum on no-fly list since 2001

WASHINGTON, DC: Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano confirmed that Tilikum, the killer whale under investigation for a murder at Sea World, has been under surveillance since 1998, and has been on the “no-fly” list since 2001.

ORCA Advocacy Group Denounces Sea World Violence

The Organization of Really Caring Animals (ORCA), a worldwide group of killer whales, has released the following statement about the violent attack of a human trainer at Florida’s Sea World theme park:

Yesterday, a terribly violent attack on a human was perpetrated by Tilikum, a mature male “killer whale”, the largest in residence at Sea World.  Our hearts go out to the trainer’s family, and we express deep sadness about the incident.  Tilikum was a rogue, antisocial creature, with numerous mental and financial problems.  We do not in any way condone the behavior of Tilikum, and we feel that he does not represent our species,  as we are a peace-loving group of mammals. 

We would also like to set the record straight:  first of all, we are not whales.  We are the largest variety of dolphin, and we are technically called Orcinus Orca, as opposed to the slur “killer whale”.  We happen to like to eat whales, and the implication is that we are uncivilized cannibals.  This is simply not true. Our kind has been around for almost 11 million years, and has had very little direct interaction with humans until the advent of captive Orcas, and your theme parks.  Since the 1970’s, there have been only two dozen Orca attacks, and three of them involved poor, misguided, defective Tilikum. These incidents are clearly exceptions to our otherwise peaceful lives.

We look forward to continuing to educate the public about Orcas, and encourage an ongoing dialogue to address any concerns as they arise.

Shocking: Nursing Home Murder Gang-Related

Nursing home drama unfolds

 

DARTMOUTH, MA – A 98-year old nursing home resident has been charged with the second-degree murder of her 100-year old roommate.  At this time, authorities believe the murder was an initiation into the ‘White Cougar’ gang that has flourished in the nursing home over the last two years.  Members of the “White Cougar’ gang are known to nursing home staff, who have until now thought it cute how white Cougars get everyone’s puddings, or get to watch what they like on the TV in the common room.  Their signature look was wearing  their undergarments on the outside of their clothes. “It seemed harmless, since they’re all pretty cranky and argumentative anyway.  They actually brought a strange sense of order to this place,” said a nursing assistant who wished to remain anonymous. As the state builds its case against the accused murderer, they have also launched an investigation into gang activity at the nursing home. Though there have been no earlier incidents of violence in the home, theft of nursing home property, and petty vandalism has been on the rise in the past two years.  Follow the Cranky Mommy as this story develops.