Category Archives: Advertising

‘Just For Men’ Wants Rouhani for Ads

combine_images

Iranian President Hassan Rouhani before and after using Combe’s ‘Just for Men’ product.

After the negotiation of the historic Joint Comprehensive Plan of Action (JCPOA) in 2015, American companies are able to legally engage in business in the Islamic Republic of Iran.  We usually think of companies in the energy or transportation sectors, but personal care products giant Combe Incorporated has made a bet that the Iranian market is ripe for its Just for Men hair coloring.  Senior Vice President of Sales and Marketing  James Kelly plans to launch the product in Iran, and has offered a spokesperson job to Iranian President Hassan Rouhani, who has allegedly been using the product in the 20 month run-up to the nuclear deal completed last year. The product is not currently available in Iran, and rumor has it the Rouhani had some shipped illicitly from France.

Just for Men is hair dye specifically marketed to men to gradually darken hair, beards, mustaches, and sideburns.  The product is already available in Israel, but nowhere else in the Middle East.  Kelly’s research indicates that there are loads and loads of beards in the rest of the Middle East, largely for religious reasons, with nary a hair care product available on the market.  He is also confident that his product to darken grey hair (beards) would be allowed under most religious laws in the region.  Kelly expects Rouhani to accept his offer as soon as Combe’s corporate plane full of US dollars lands in Tehran.

Combe Incorporated is a privately held company founded in 1949, with world headquarters in White Plains, New York.

 

 

Advertisements

BREAKING: Alec Baldwin Goes on another Psychopathic, Homophobic Rant; Loses Zero Endorsements

Alec Baldwin flipped whatever lid he has left, and ripped into a British reporter for reporting (gasp!) that his wife, Hilaria (truly her name) was tweeting/texting during James Gandolfini’s funeral. Well she was, right? To my knowledge, reporting that someone was “tweeting” is not a euphemism for something nasty or inappropriate.  Just a fact.  As of this writing, Baldwin has gone through about seven different Twitter accounts, and has lost zero endorsements (Capital One are you even listening?). Paula Deen has lost almost all of hers immediately for self-reported bad word 30 years ago, and Aaron Hernandez had a brief delay before being dropped by Puma, you know, because he’s charged with MURDER.

Burqa King Superstore Opening in Wrentham

WRENTHAM – This weekend, the world’s largest halal burqa and clothing retailer will open its “Burqa King Superstore” at the Wrentham Village Outlets, taking the retail place of the now bankrupt “Spoons R Us”.  Parent company By Allah’s Beard is excited and hopeful about its first foothold in New England. The company has two retail locations in Michigan  – Burqa King, and Burqa Barn, and one in London’s posh West End  – The Bonnie Burqa Boutique.

“Albino Rhino” Beer Name Offensive

First let me  point out the humor at seeing a Canadian news story that includes the words “beer” and “complaint” but has nothing to do with running out of said “beer”.  Anyway,  a patron of Earl’s Restaurant chain finds the name of one of their beers – Albino Rhino – a violation of her human rights. She says that the name

“demeans her and other albinos by deliberately evoking a sense of oddness about the condition”

The complainant is Nigerian-born, where albinos are targets of ritualistic murder or rape. Jeez – a quick google search suggests that there has never been a ritual murder or rape of an albino person in Canada. Here are some other beers that might elicit charges of human rights violations in Canada:

 Blind Pig IPA – oh, really funny – blind pigs? Aren’t we cruel enough to pigs already?

Rabbid Rabbit – Getting all those shots is not humorous. There’s no cure for rabies.

Fat Cat Red Ale – Obesity is a global epidemic. Not cool; it’s not even a light beer.

Scratchin’ Hippo – Lots of people have skin conditions. So hurtful.

 Cougar Bait Beer– well, this isn’t about actual cougars, you know, but ladies who fancy themselves “cougars” might be ticked off at any insinuation here.

Syphilitic Camel – just kidding, there is no such beer (but there should be); this is a shout out to Glenn Reynolds at Instapundit.

Perhaps if someone brewed up a batch of “Thin-Skinned Ass” they would have reason to bawl about it, but until then, Albino Rhino and the others are  just kinds of  beer (which you don’t have to actually purchase and/or consume)!

Attention, Ladies: Just in time for Christmas!!!

How many times have you said to yourself, “Gee, I wish I could urinate standing up, it would be so much easier”, or “Gosh, I’d love to write my name in the snow sometime”. The wait is now over; just in time for Christmas is the following real-life product:

Simply put, GoGirl is the way to stand up to crowded, disgusting, distant or non-existent bathrooms. It’s a female urination device (sometimes called a FUD) that allows you to urinate while standing up. It’s neat. It’s discreet. It’s hygienic.

GoGirl is easy to use and fits easily in your purse, pocket, or glove compartment. It’s a must for travel and sports. And it’s great for everyday––no more crouching over or trying to cover up an unsanitary public toilet.

While the concept may be new to you, European women have used female urination devices for years. GoGirl’s not the first device of its kind. But try it. And we think you’ll agree it’s easily the best.

Only GoGirl is made with flexible, medical grade silicone. Dispose of it after use. Or clean and reuse as you like. (Urine is sterile, but the product can come into contact with contaminates during use, so take precautions when cleaning.) Our patented splash guard eliminates messing and spilling. Once you practice a time or two, using a GoGirl is going to feel like second nature.

// Now for only $10, you can carry around this beautiful pink funnel in your purse, so you can “man up” when you want to. Don’t worry about having to carry around the soiled item, just throw it away or store it in a plastic bag and clean it when you get home! I know I’ll be getting one for each of my closest gal pals. If European ladies use it, it MUST be cool!

I don’t remember a sale like this when W. was president

Guess who's going to get audited?

Despicable Tim Tebow Ad

Football fans across America were infuriated by the in-your-face, graphic, preachy, bible-thumping, fire and brimstone ad featuring Heisman Trophy winner Tim Tebow and his mother, Pam.  “I mean, it was so explicit and shameful” complained one viewer. “I didn’t know what to say to my kids”, opined another. Parents across the country report that they had many difficult conversations after the commercial (it was aired twice, one with Timmy tackling his Mom.  Freaking Neanderthal.)

Doubtless, this only added to the tough questions that parents had to deal with during the game resulting from viewing other commercials:

Why is the beaver in a hot tub with a pretty lady?

What’s a bachelor party?

What is GoDaddy!, anyway? They are pretty girls, though.

Why would grown-ups let themselves get run over by a beer truck?

If he’s blind, why are we laughing at him?

Whoah! They just tackled that old lady!

Can I have a Bud Light?

She’s a racecar driver?!?!?

Why is Meagan Fox’s bathtub picture causing so much trouble?

Can a Dorito really be used as a weapon?

Why are there so many beer commercials?

What’s a “milkaholic”?

Why are so many men in the commercials only wearing their underwear?

Why did the government spend $2.5 milllion on that census ad?

Trust me, nobody even noticed the Tebow commercial.  My children have been busting out laughing about Punxsutawney Polamalu for a few days now, striking a pose, saying “Six more weeks of football”.  Nice try getting everyone all revved up about this extremely subtle and inoffensive ad.  If you want to be offended, you can always find a way, and I think there are a lot of people out there that are disappointed that they weren’t offended.  Most of us didn’t give it a second thought, simply hoping we didn’t catch a Viagra ad with the kids in the room.  Get over it.

Just in time for Christmas, New Fragrance

HUBRIS for men

BREAKING: Cocaine key ingredient in Orange Glo, OxyClean Products

billymays

Tampa, FL: – Autopsy results showed that cocaine played a role in the heart disease related to Billy Mays’ fatal heart attack at the end of June. But friends, family, and co-workers from as far back as 20 years have sworn that nobody had ever known of any cocaine use by Mr. Mays.  Mr. Mays’  family was disturbed and insulted by the release of autopsy findings by the Hillsborough County medical examiner, and sought additional inquiry through Chemical Applications Group (CAG), an independent laboratory in the Tampa Bay area. CAG has suggested that Mr. Mays may not have been a cocaine addict in the traditional sense.  The products sold by Mr. Mays since 1993 appear to contain strong traces of cocaine which, after more than a decade of intensive use, may explain the appearance of cocaine-related heart disease and coronary issues.   At this juncture, only the Orange Glo and OxyClean products have been tested; Kaboom and Mighty Putty are currently being evaluated. “He may have been passively absorbing large amounts of cocaine into his bloodstream over many years, completely unaware of the dire threats to his health.  He handled and breathed the stuff all the time for years and years” said Dr. Bennett Whiting, head of Chemical Spectography at CAG.   Household users of the products in question may or may not be in the same danger as Mr. Mays, but the consumer product researchers at CAG noted stronger than normal product loyalty to the Orange Glo and OxyCleanbrands, with consumers purchasing significantly greater volumes of those cleaners than consumers who selected other brands.  CAG is working with the Food and Drug Administration to determine if there are consumer product safety issues to address, and the Drug Enforcement Agency to determine if federal charges are warranted. At this time no consumer warnings have been issued, and no products have been pulled from retail shelves.  No comment was available from Denver-based Orange Glo International, producer of the cleaning products in question.

“The One” & “King James” – Fragile?

fragile

This week, the press and corporate America rushed to the aid of her respective masters: Barack Obama and LeBron James.  Ahhh….President Obama (and Nicolas Sarkozy) were checking out a hot Brazilian delegate’s behind at the G-8 this week, and LeBron James was viciously dunked upon by a college player.  No big deal, right? WRONG.  ABC has come to her master’s defense, showing the video of the situation, explaining how photos can be misleading.  Nike, proud sponsor of LeBron James, confiscated multiple videos of the pick-up game at the LeBron James Skills Academy, claiming that recording the event was not permitted, to prevent it from being widely distributed over the Internet.  One article suggests that the videos were seized at James’ request. Are these men and their egos and reputations so fragile that they, their handlers, and supporters bend over backwards to ‘protect’ them from any type of besmirching, or even the hint of besmirching?  Pathetic.