Best Bar Mitzvah – Evah!

I’ve been to a lot of Bar/Bat Mitzvah parties in my day, but none as rowdy as this one reported in the Arizona Daily Independent.  They are family events, no? This Arizona event takes the cake, but only for the seven young guests who go got to fondle a very drunk yoga instructor’s new breasts.  And although you may be men at 13 years of age (mazel tov!), only the 15-year old was treated to a happy ending.  Think there is a lot of Facebook evidence of this shindig? Read the whole thing.

Top 5 Reasons Harry Reid Will Retire

harryreid

Dirty Harry Hanging Up His Sticky Fingers At the End of Term

5.  The Mormons are finally reigning him in.  Very profitable transactions of Reid’s keep popping up after being “missed” on public disclosure statements, and they want their 10 percent tithe. What? Harry Reid is a Mormon? All this time I only knew about Mitt Romney. Who knew?

4. He’s tired of everyone asking about what really happened in that exercise “accident” on New Year’s Day.  Seriously.

3. Nancy Pelosi has been making some really inappropriate and suggestive comments to him.  And it was scary.

2. Wants to be invited on the next season of “Dancing With the Stars”.

1. Hillary Clinton told him to.

Today’s the big day….hope you turned in your permission slip!

A school in Pennsylvania required a permission slip to eat an Oreo cookie after a science lab.  Cranky Mommy could not confirm the grade level for this activity, but they were Double Stuff Oreos, so probably at least eighth grade.

oreopermissionslip

Parallel Universe/Black Hole Alert

Bizarro Superman, Coming Soon?

Bizarro Superman, Coming Soon?

Scientists at the CERN center in Geneva are going to crank up the Large Hadron Collider  this week, hoping to detect or even create miniature black holes.  If they are successful, they can even reveal parallel universes.  Does that mean like Bizarro world on the Superfriends?  I’m no physicist, but aren’t even teensy tiny black holes kinda dangerous?  Hmmmm.  It’s supposed to be a “game-changer”. Stay tuned and keep an eye on your event horizon.

Awwwww, these guys didn’t get enough hugs as children….

ISIS goes on violent rampage in Syria, raging against the blasphemy that is Mother’s Day, and any cakes that support it.  No cake for you!

BREAKING: Obscure Document Suggests President Can’t Keep Legislating from the Podium

Fresh on the heels of yet another non-legislative change to the previously Congressionally-enacted Affordable Care Act (aka Obamacare), Cranky Mommy Investigations has uncovered an obscure document called the Constitution of the United States, hidden deep in the archives of the world-famous Smithsonian Institute. The document contains the ancient rules by which the country was founded and governed way back in those dark, neanderthal, rich white guy, colonial days. On its face, the document seems to define three branches of government and the responsibilities and powers of each.  But a closer reading  of all clauses suggests a “separation of powers” to encourage “checks and balances” between branches of government to ensure we don’t  become some kind of perverted dictatorship. This document is probably obsolete, however, since there were no teleprompters or opinion polls in those ancient days.  If only we were Constitutional Law Professors, this would all make sense to us!!

Real Housewives of Dubai – New Episode on BRAVO!

This week the ladies show their serious side by worrying about the recent crime wave in Dubai: obscene gestures while driving and questionable handshakes;  they discuss whether or not car seats will ever be required by law in the kingdom; the ladies figure out how to download two books recently banned by the Committee for the Prevention of Vice and Promotion of Virtue .

You already know who they are….

Even though your kids are still kind of young, you have already figured out which kids’ parents will be the “friend parents”, and which will remain actual parental units. You already know who will be buying their kids beer. You know which kids will get cars the second they get their licenses. You know which parents don’t believe in too much discipline. You know which ones will want the kids to have a big co-ed overnight party at a hotel on prom night.  But do you know which parent will represent your spoiled rotten child in court to sue your ass for private school tuition? and then college tuition? Better figure it out soon -

A New Jersey high school senior sued her parents, accusing them of tossing her out of the family home when she turned 18 and refusing to pay for her private high school and college education.

The article about it on CNN does not inform the reader that the parent of one of the princess’s friends is footing the bill for her legal fees.  It seems princess did not want to follow the rules of the house, so she moved out.  Luckily the first part of the lawsuit was tossed, but there is more to come, since princess has been accepted into a number of fine colleges.  She wants to be a biomedical engineer!

Breaking: Obama Warns, Russia Yawns

More weak talk from the White House predictably does absolutely nothing to deter the Russians from sending troops to the Ukraine. New vocabulary words already being dispensed to press: it’s not an invasion, it is an “uncontested incursion”. So nobody, especially us, has to step in. It’s very nuanced for us common folk to understand. Get back to your cocktail party, everyone, nothing to see here!

That about sums it up…

jep

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