‘Just For Men’ Wants Rouhani for Ads

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Iranian President Hassan Rouhani before and after using Combe’s ‘Just for Men’ product.

After the negotiation of the historic Joint Comprehensive Plan of Action (JCPOA) in 2015, American companies are able to legally engage in business in the Islamic Republic of Iran.  We usually think of companies in the energy or transportation sectors, but personal care products giant Combe Incorporated has made a bet that the Iranian market is ripe for its Just for Men hair coloring.  Senior Vice President of Sales and Marketing  James Kelly plans to launch the product in Iran, and has offered a spokesperson job to Iranian President Hassan Rouhani, who has allegedly been using the product in the 20 month run-up to the nuclear deal completed last year. The product is not currently available in Iran, and rumor has it the Rouhani had some shipped illicitly from France.

Just for Men is hair dye specifically marketed to men to gradually darken hair, beards, mustaches, and sideburns.  The product is already available in Israel, but nowhere else in the Middle East.  Kelly’s research indicates that there are loads and loads of beards in the rest of the Middle East, largely for religious reasons, with nary a hair care product available on the market.  He is also confident that his product to darken grey hair (beards) would be allowed under most religious laws in the region.  Kelly expects Rouhani to accept his offer as soon as Combe’s corporate plane full of US dollars lands in Tehran.

Combe Incorporated is a privately held company founded in 1949, with world headquarters in White Plains, New York.

 

 

Hooters Tooters (™) Coming to Your Area!

THIS IS A PAID ADVERTISEMENT

Do you have a son in Middle or High School who could use a little more guidance, attention, and motivation when doing his homework?  Are you a busy working parent in search of affordable, reliable assistance?  Hooters has heard your call, and is ready to answer!  We are proud to introduce Hooters Tooters (™)  to the Boston area!

Hooters, the national breastaurant chain you know and love for its quality food, beverage, and entertaining environment has helped thousands of its own associates achieve success through high school and college. Our logo isn’t a wise Owl for nothing! Starting in September, Hooters Tooters (™) will be available to provide tutoring in your own home for Math, English, Spanish, and French. (Chinese and Chemistry will be added in January of 2017).

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Amber is a Math whiz, with an Associates Degree in Mathematics from Woburn Community College

Your area Hooters Tooters (™) are experts at motivating young men to do their best work! Each Hooters Tooter is specifically selected for each of the academic subjects, and are guaranteed to have fulfilled advanced high school or college level requirements in each area. An on-line Hooters Tooters (™) photo and credential listing will be available on September 1st to help you decide which of our wonderful Hooters Tooters (™) is best for you!

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Your pupil will enjoy a delicious nutritious meal, like the Big Hootie Burger

Not only will your Hooters Tooter provide academic guidance and motivation, but she will also provide a nutritious, delicious meal for her pupil!  You will have the choice of the following dinner options: Original Hooters Style Wings, Big Hootie Burger, or the Original Hooters Chicken Strip Cheese Sandwich. Meals come with Big Dipper Fries and a large fountain drink (Hooters proudly serves refreshing Pepsi products).  A vegetarian option is not available, because, duh.

Hooters Tooters (™) may be scheduled for one-hour blocks in the comfort of your own home within a 50 mile radius of a Hooters location (see website for a location near you). We ask that you schedule no more than five hours per week, and that you select only one subject area per session. Hooters Tooters (™) charges $75 per hour (includes a delicious meal, tutoring assistance, and fabulous motivation).  All major credit cards are accepted; gratuity not included.  Scheduling begins September 1st!

 

Why do Texas Middle Schools hate Asthmatic kids?

Two weeks ago a Texas middle-schooler was suspended and sentenced to 30 days of alternative school for sharing her inhaler with a fellow student who was having an asthma attack.  Both girls have been charged with “sharing a controlled substance”, and both face this stiff “automatic” punishment.  Both girls’ parents are concerned with alternative school because their daughter would be with those kids that have real drug and violence problems.  Alternative school is legislatively mandated in Texas for kids who have been asked to leave the classroom for such reasons as drug use, violence toward teachers or students, sexual offenses.  Here’s the whole scoop.

Then this week, another Texas middle-schooler was suspended for using a profanity and leaving the classroom.  Important note: he left the classroom to carry a classmate to the nurse’s office.  The classmate was suffering an asthma attack, and had passed out and had fallen out of her chair.  The teacher was waiting on an email back from the nurse before acting on the situation.  Story here.

“We ain’t got time to wait for no email from the nurse.” – Suspended Student

Hello? Have we lost all ability to reason?  If my kid falls out of her chair while having an obvious asthma attack, you’re telling me you will sit your ass down and wait for an email back from the nurse before sending her to get medical attention? Is that standard policy?  Any word of whether this is standard protocol?  Teacher discipline? Common sense police citation? Jeez, people, zero tolerance policies continue to make educational institutions silly and sometimes dangerous places.

Come on in! The water is fine!

JAN 13TH – More great news for athletes competing in sailing, open-water swimming, and triathlon at the Olympics in Rio de Janeiro in August:  dead fish and garbage!  Officials are investigating and aren’t too worried, because the fish were likely dumped from trawlers due to their low commercial value.  The trash is just, well, plain old floating trash.  They will report back in five days with their water analysis.  I’d get caught up on all my shots, is all I’m saying.

UPDATE: Haven’t heard anything from Brazilian officials, so I’m sure the tests came back fine.  Commence selling all that crappy Rio Olympic merchandise!

Contrasts in Duty – Washington Edition

According to news reports, the scientists at Reagan National Airport were unable to successfully measure the total snowfall there, because their measurement tool was buried under the snow.  Curious, that the forecast was for 30+ inches of snow, and yet they weren’t prepared to measure that much?  Or secure their measurement device? According to FOX news:

The team at Reagan National, in Arlington County, Va., use a device called a snow board, in keeping with the requirements of the NWS. The board is supposed to be placed on the ground in a location where it will not be affected by high winds or drifting snow. It is supposed to be wiped clean and replaced every six hours.

But don’t worry, they are going to figure out what happened:

The error prompted the National Weather Service (NWS) to announce that it will be looking into the procedures used at Reagan National, where the official snow totals for the nation’s capital are recorded.

Meanwhile, four miles away at Arlington National Cemetery, the U.S. Army did not let the weather deter them from their duty at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier:

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The 3d U.S. Army Infantry Regiment, “The Old Guard”, on duty this weekend.

Hallmark Channel to obtain rights to Iran/US Sailor Story

The Hallmark Channel is close to receiving approvals from the State Department to produce a heartwarming, feel-good movie about the happy, diplomatic resolution to yesterday’s interaction between the Iranian and US Navies.  According to State sources, the US Naval vessels were straying into Iranian waters as a result of some sort of mechanical failure.  The Iranian Navy  provided mechanical assistance (and even checked out the American communications equipment for good measure), kept the sailors warm and safe (to include a hijab for the female sailor), and provided overnight accommodations (the hummus was reportedly out of this world), before sending them on their way.  State also added that there were unconfirmed reports of hugs exchanged before the US vessels got back underway.  It is unknown whether the piece would include portrayal of the potential disciplinary action for those American sailors who were clearly in the wrong.

“Our viewers look forward to schmaltzy stories of new found friendships and dramatic changes of heart ; we make a lot of money making up stories in that vein, but producing a story based on a real-life event would be a big win for us” said Barry Heart, Senior Executive of Production.

The two-hour special will highlight the new environment of cooperation between the two previously at-odds nations, and how diplomacy and civilized discourse can solve any problem.   Hallmark expects to receive approval from the State Department this week.  The production would be slated to air in mid or late October.

Who knew this would be so popular? Oh, I did…

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Anne Taintor products of all kinds available on Amazon.com

I ordered this magnet for a few of my friends (and one for myself) for Christmas, and was not at all surprised to receive the following email from Amazon:

Hello,

Due to a lack of availability, we will not be able to obtain the following item(s) from your order:

“Anne Taintor Square Magnet, Smart Mouth Teenager”

We’ve canceled the item(s) and apologize for the inconvenience. If you see a charge for the canceled item, we will refund you within 1-2 business days.

How-Old.net and My Two Cranky Sons

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It seems to think Cranky Son #1 is a 24 year old man, while Cranky Son #2 is a 7-year old girl.  Please don’t tell him. Come to think of it, don’t mention it to either of them.

Mother of the Year

No sarcasm intended here. Apparently this mom took her son to task for being a punk-ass thug during the “protests” (PC term for rioting and looting cuz you can) in Baltimore. He’s not so tough when his Mom comes around, eh? Rock on Mom, Child Protective Services is probably at your house already, but law enforcement will continue to let Baltimore burn.

Somebody did NOT want to work on Math today…

Just a doodle at the bottom of the page from Cranky Son #2:

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Wow. Horns, cool fumanchu, and icicles on my words!!

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