Parenting is just plain crazy

There have been a lot of articles recently that let parents know what to be afraid of (which is everything), how to make your children more independent (which is abusive), and why you suck at parenting so much. Here’s a sampling of all the info out there:

“They’re Coming for Your Children. Oh Wait.  Never Mind.”

“Mister Softee: The Latest Menace to Society”

“Why I Let my 9-Year Old Ride the Subway Alone”

Free Range Kids (blog)

TV’s continue to crush children, even though flat screens are popular

Yelling is the new spanking (is nothing sacred??)

On the other hand, there are the stories of not-so-happy endings when the little darlings run amok. One survey done in Britain showed that one quarter of the participants are afraid to discipline their children for fear of upsetting the precious ones.  What could go wrong?

Colorado 14 year-old shot his parents to get out of chores.

At the end of the day, though, you can have courage in telling your children to stop jumping on the bed (like the little monkeys in the book), because it can truly cause a fire that burns down your whole house.  Sleep tight, little ones!

Re-designed, kid-safe hot dog looks suspiciously like bologna

 

The new hot dog kids CAN'T choke on

The American Academy of Pediatrics called for a redesign of the hot dog, the food item that most commonly causes asphyxiation in children under six years old. Dozens of children each year choke to death on hot dogs, and the AAP has warned that “America needs a wake-up call on this issue”. The AAP has come up with a new anti-choke design, that looks suspiciously like sliced bologna. The group suggests that young children could eat the redesigned product in lieu of the existing one, though it is admittedly tough to cook on the grill at your next family bar-b-que.  Alternately, the AAP has recommended that strong warnings and labeling be added to all hot dog (and possibly sausage) packaging, warning parents of the risk of food asphyxiation when eating these products. The AAP is targeting baby carrots and grapes in its press conference scheduled for the end of next month.

Real Housewives of Middlesex County

After the merciful end to spring soccer in the affluent suburbs, there’s finally some  Housewives-worthy scoop around here!  Now, you’ll be disappointed to know that it has nothing to do with soccer, so please go elsewhere for soccer-related scoop.  There you go…

The affluent suburbs are petrified that any bad press will tarnish their otherwise sterling reputation, especially when the word ‘school’ is included. None of this information is found in any newspaper or probably even written down anywhere.  But this suburb saw its ugly underside at a parent-chaperoned overnight field trip.  This three-night adventure is the highlight of the fourth grade, and many parent volunteers are needed to make it a success.  Prior to the field trip, volunteer parents attended a formal orientation to set expectations of their duties and were explicitly notified that alcoholic beverages are in no way permitted at the site.  Cigarettes, and/or smoking are also not permitted since the camp facility is deemed school property for the duration of the visit, and thank you very much for not having sex with each other. They had to add that in after a Mom and a Dad who were not married decided to do the wild thing while chaperoning their children. I don’t think they explicity discussed illegal drugs, but they also didn’t mention that pornography, prostitution, or assault of any kind were to be avoided, either. Maybe they weren’t clear enough in the orientation. 

A parent (theoretical responsible adult) got rip-roaring, falling-down drunk at the event, and had to be removed from the premises by a theoretically shocked and mortified spouse.  In the process, the parent launched a number of anti-Semitic verbal assaults (did I mention the site of the field trip was a Jewish educational facility?).    After the trip, the school issued no notice of the incident to parents, so you had to be “in the know” to find out that your kids saw a totally wasted grown-up spewing hateful speech at your big camping-type experience.  (Note that when a child was found to have a manicure kit in her backpack on the bus a few months back, a note went home to all parents explaining that there was no threat to personal safety, and that your kids were ok, etc. )  The parent has an obvious addiction problem, and has not been banned from school activities, or suffered any kind of formal sanction.  If a teacher had behaved this way, would they be brought up on charges?  Fired? School district honchos have left it to the very effective rumor mill to chastise the parent, hoping others will do their dirty work, hoping it simply won’t happen again.   Thank goodness none of this made the papers, because that would have been totally embarrassing!  Feel badly for that parent’s kids, though OK?

BREAKING: SUMMER ACTIVITIES DANGEROUS FOR KIDS

Toy safety consumer group W.A.T.C.H. (World Against Toys Causing Harm, Inc.) has issued its summer warning to parents about the hazards of some of your children’s summer activities, as well as identifying several dangerous summer toys. The pamphlet reminds parents that

“Summer is a time of outdoor fun and activity, but also a time of peril” (insert dramatic music here)

The pamphlet indicates that particularly hazardous summer activities include: biking, skateboarding, using in-line skates, riding scooters, playing soccer (goals can fall over and kill you), playing on playgrounds, swimming, hot-tubbing, and falling out of windows.  In essence, any camp or non-camp activity is just a huge accident waiting to happen.

The toys that are frowned upon this summer include: inflatable pool toys, water guns, pool toys, slingshots, marshmallow shooters, and air guns.

W.A.T.C.H. pretty much is saying that letting your child participate in these activities makes you a bad parent, and that you should be wetting yourself with fear each time your child rides his bike, or uses a squirt gun.  Your best bet for child safety this summer is to keep your child indoors in front of the television, computer, or video games, where they can’t get hurt.

UPDATED:  W.A.T.C.H. has just updated the dangerous summer toys list to include rocks, sticks, leaves (to include pine needles), sand, shells, grass,  flowers, dirt, and dead animals found in the road.  Please change your summer plans accordingly. It’s for your child’s safety.

Florida’s Finest are on the Job!

A 19-year old Florida woman has been jailed and held WITHOUT BAIL after her child was discovered to have “bottle mouth”: tooth decay common in infants and toddlers.  Police say the woman took the child to the dentist, but was unable to pay for treatment since Medicaid doesn’t cover dental visits.  The woman failed to seek out another provider that would accept Medicaid, nor did she attempt to seek funding from the child’s deadbeat dad.  The article did not say how the police came to be involved in the matter (I’m guessing the dentist ratted her out!).

This woman is obviously a menace to society, and should be kept behind bars until such time as she can change government insurance so that it covers dental treatment (Medicaid does not cover dental work), or when she can make deadbeat dads pay for normal child support and additional medical bills.  Then maybe monkey will fly out of my ass.

In an unrelated story, a Massachusetts woman has been arrested after police found that her children’s fingernails hadn’t been trimmed “in ages”, according to the report.  Police are also investigating allegations of tight-fitting shoes and non brand-name clothing in the home.  Neither the police nor the woman were available for comment.

Get your child tested today!

Important news in parenting emerged last week:  finally, a Portland, Oregon firm can genetically test your child to see if s/he has the newly discovered “athletic gene”, labeled ACTN3, which everyone has, but may look different in a future athlete.  Parents can test their children with a simple cheek swab and $125.  “The cost/benefit is astounding” said one Eugene, Oregon parent “think of all the money you’ll save on equipment, practice time, and personal trainers if you find out your kid simply doesn’t have the goods”.  An anonymous Portland parent thought that “if the test will show I don’t have to go to another 5:00 am ice time, then it would totally be worth it, and then my child won’t be disappointed when they end up stinking at their sport”.  A self-proclaimed soccer mom indicated that she “would be excited to direct my child’s activities where they had the most potential, because there aren’t many academic scholarships any more, are there?” Other parents, are of course offended at the notion of testing their child for future abilities, “what next, mandatory IQ tests to see how much schooling should be ‘spent’ on your child?”.  Ironically, the Obama Administration is looking into genetic testing in order to better allocate education dollars now that school choice has been ended in Washington, DC.  The results of the research could be used as a nationwide education model.

Finally…a tax that affects the President

Today the federal tax on cigarettes goes up a stunning 61% per pack, adding over a dollar to each pack, and over ten dollars per carton (state governments are piling on in addition). “At least the President feels this one, too” said convenience store owner Barry Lawson of DesMoines. “The other tax increases are for rich people, but this one hits regular folks, including the President of the United States!”.

The proceeds of the tax increase will be channeled to expand the State Children’s Health Insurance Program (SCHIP), and the administration hopes to extend coverage to an additional 4 million children. So if you’re thinking about cutting back or quitting smoking all together due to rising costs, the administration urges you to remember that if you do, you’re harming America’s most vulnerable citizens: the children.  Now might be a good time to pick up the habit: for the children.

Lead Bullets Could Kill You

Many sportsmen are switching to “green” ammo when shooting on ranges or in the wild, because many bullets manufactured contain lead, a toxic metal that can lower the IQs of young children.  There is also growing concern that animals killed using lead bullets could possibly contain high levels of lead that would be ingested and cause harm.  Children are therefore advised not to fire lead bullets when shooting, nor should they ever eat the meat of animals killed with lead bullets. 

Along these same lines, the Obama administration had mandated that all U.S. military organizations phase out all lead-based bullets by the end of the year, to limit lead poisoning complications in its ‘Overseas Contingency Operations’.  “Nobody deserves to get lead poisoning” opined White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs at a largely ignored press conference announcing the change, “let’s do it for the children”.

Let’s do this for the children!