Hangin’ at Honeydew Donuts with my younger son

Tuesday morning my six-year old and I hung out at Honeydew Donuts while we waited for Town Fair Tire to put some new tires on the family vehicle.  The scene is probably pretty typical: a bunch of seniors hanging out with their small coffee and donut, shooting the shit, watching the TV.  The interesting thing was that they went outside every 10 minutes for a smoke, including the guy on his “Rascal” motorized cart.  That guy was hauling ass through the shop, which is only 30 feet long, so my son was very impressed. Each person that entered the shop spoke to my son (see photo – that’s him posing with a Bentley at British Car Day at Lars Anderson’s in Brookline; he’s very engaging and happy as hell).  One of the seniors noticed that he ate only half his donut, and started asking the other seniors (all were men except for one) if they could ‘help this kid eat his donut’.  My son giggled and held his donut close, then nice conversation follows (“how old are you?”, “do you have a girlfriend?”, “where do you go to school?”, etc.).  At one point, the senior in in the Marine Corps hat warned him about the guy about to enter the shop: “Do you see that great big, giant guy about to come in here? You better eat that donut or hide it because this guy will walk right in here and eat it, he’ll eat anything left out on the table!” My son giggled more, and covered up his donut with a napkin.  The man then told my boy that “when you’re old like us, but by then we’ll be ancient, you can come hang out with us, OK?”.  That drew a big smile.  The man then added, “it’s usually mobbed in here, around 15 of us, but ten or so went to the casino today”.

Then a strange lady came in, introducing herself to the counter staff, and ordered her iced coffee.  Several things appeared to be wrong with her coffee, and she started her feedback by shaking her head, and saying, “This isn’t made right!”  First, there was too much milk in it (the woman appeared to be pregnant), “it will give me agita, you know, with the baby”, second, there wasn’t enough caramel in it –  ”sweetie, you need a few more shots of the caramel”, then she spent a few more minutes methodically upending her cup to mix it properly, exaggeratedly bending over her big belly; it was quite a production.  She asked who the manager was, and then introduced herself to the manager.  She then left the store without paying.  Wow – quite a show.  The thing was, she looked surprisingly like a woman  (who also appeared to be pregnant) I ran into in a completely different town who claimed that she needed money to pay for gas at the gas station down the street (long story: thought she had her wallet, her son must have taken it out, was supposed to adopt a puppy, etc.  The longer the story is, the less likely it is to be true).  My son was taking an art class, and the woman had gone door-to-door at the strip mall where the class was held. She rejected my offer of a ride back to the gas station and to pay for her gas, but gladly accepted any change I had.  She said she preferred to walk , “because of the baby”.  I swear to God, it was the same lady. Lot’s of gesturing, drama, conversation, calling you ‘honey, dear, sweetie’ etc. What are the odds?

Massachusetts Road Test for Elderly Drivers

The Massachusetts Registry of Motor Vehicles has announced its plans to road-test elderly drivers every three years after age 65, and every other year after age 70, every year after 75, and weekly at 80+. The road test is specially designed to address situations that are most challenging to aging drivers. The RMV released very few details about the planned closed course.  The course may include, but is not limited to:

A simulated CVS parking lot will require the driver to park in the only empty parking space right at the front door, without going through it.

A requirement to drive on only one side of the road (theirs), and to obey posted speed limits. Points will be deducted for driving more than fifteen miles below the posted speed limits.

 A simulated farmer’s market will require that the driver evade large crowds of people that are on sidewalks, which are right next to the road.

Distracting roadside signs including, but not limited to: billboard advertisements for “Matlock” reruns, early-bird dinner specials at local restaurants, and a new brand of toilet tissue.

A requirement that the driver back up in a straight line 20 feet; potential obstacles include trash barrels, mailboxes, and a simulated dog-walker.

A requirement for drivers to identify a school bus and a fire truck, and appropriate driving behaviors related to them.

Additionally, aging drivers will be ‘safety-sized’ for their vehicles.  The state will no longer allow the disturbing ”hats and knuckles” driving posture to continue to go unchecked.  If a driver is unable to see or be seen behind the wheel, they will be required to purchase the appropriate seat enhancement to account for this deficiency.  Proper height adjustments assist not only in enhancing the driver’s ability to actually see the world around them, but enables the automobile’s built-in safety features like air bags and passenger restraints to work more effectively.  A number of companies are actively promoting new adult-size booster seats for the aging driver.

The RMV has not yet assessed the increased budgetary requirements to support the enhanced testing program, and has not yet laid out the fee structure for the more frequent testing.

New proposal in play for GM

The news in the last few weeks has been filled with stories of unfortunate automobile accidents involving members of the ‘Greatest Generation’.  In most cases, the elderly drivers mistook the gas pedal for the brake pedal, or simply did not respond to their surroundings appropriately.  In most cases, the results were varying degrees of property damage and mostly non-life-threatening personal injury.  There are approximately 19 million senior citizen drivers on the road today (roughly 9% of all drivers), and the demographic is quickly growing, estimated to be around 30 million drivers by 2020.  Senior citizens have surpassed teens as the group with the highest number of accidents per mile driven. What can we do to preserve the independence and dignity of our seniors, while making the roadways, pharmacies, and farmer’s markets safer for all?

The spate of accidents has state governments reconsidering how best to address the issue in their jurisdictions.  Most favor more frequent driver’s license testing (to include vision tests) for drivers over a certain age, or placing restrictions on licenses for drivers over a certain age, the way new drivers are restricted from driving at night, or without a fully licensed driver in the car with them.  This poses a moral hazard for most state governments, because they make too much money renewing driver’s licenses.  The fees go up each year, and those numbers are already worked into state budgets.  If they started denying licenses for silly things like failing a vision test, they would be unable to meet revenue goals, especially as the demographic in question continues to grow.

The simple answer lies in a new proposal for General Motors  (GM), which has been scornfully called ‘Government Motors’ after the obscene, nonsensical, potentially illegal government bailout of this failed business. .  The existing government plan to “turn GM around into a sustainable, thriving company once more” is to produce overpriced, underpowered, under-safe, environmentally friendly (till you try to get rid of the batteries), teensy weensy cars that Americans simply will not rush to buy in the volumes required to become profitable.  Subsequently, the government is unlikely to find buyers to whom they could sell their ownership stake to divest themselves of this albatross. This means that the government will probably continue to be in the car business for the foreseeable future,  so America should make their grotesque investment do some good, given its astronomical, ever-growing cost.

 The new proposal would rename the company ‘Geriatric Motors’. The new proposal would mandate that all drivers over a certain age or declining level of ability turn in their current vehicles (Toyota Camrys seem to be the overwhelming car of choice with the senior set) and accept new Geriatric Motors vehicles as their replacements.  The swap would be a tax-neutral event; no gains, losses, income, or expenses would be recognized for the trade.  Seniors would receive the vehicle outright, but would be required to participate in the Geriatric Motors exclusive insurance program.  The government would underwrite and subsidize the new insurance arm of GM, and then take credit for helping lower insurance rates around the country by virtue of removing these 19 million drivers from the general population for risk evaluation purposes. 

 The proposal would assist the government in removing older, less fuel-efficient, higher-emissions vehicles from the nation’s roads.  In one fell swoop, 19 million older vehicles could be scrapped, at taxpayer expense, to help the environment.  Removal of these strong, sturdy cars from the roads neutralizes their threat as potential weapons in the hands of senior drivers.  There’s no way a new GM car would be able to crash through the front door of a WalMart, nor could it take out an entire farmer’s market, or injure dozens of parade spectators.  CVS storefronts and church parking lots would be safe once more.  The level of collateral damage in the event of an accident would be greatly reduced due to the high levels of plastics used in production, decreasing likelihood of major personal injury or property damage.  Airbag technology would keep the elder-driver safe inside the vehicle.  Exchange programs would allow the senior driver to swap the vehicle for a new one so long as they pledge to put the damaged vehicle in the recycle bin.  

Senior citizens are the nation’s fastest growing demographic, and appear to be the only answer as to what to do with all those little cars GM plans to build, and how to jump-start the plan to save the planet.  They are, in fact, the “Greatest Generation”; I’m sure they’ll answer our government’s call to service one last time.