RIP Barbara Billingsley

Barbara Billingsley, best known as June Cleaver on the 1950′s television series “Leave it to Beaver”, has passed away at age 94 after a long illness. I thought her best work was on “Airplane” in 1980:

“What-chu talkin’ bout, Willis?”

Gary Coleman, 42, child star of ‘Diff’rent Strokes’ died yesterday after being removed from life support in a hospital in Provo, Utah.  Although it seems that he turned out better than his child co-stars (Dana Plato, suicide; Todd Bridges, tried and acquitted of attempted murder), Mr. Coleman still had his share of issues: ongoing health problems associated with kidney disease, repeated interaction with law enforcement, financial problems, several attempted suicide attempts, and estrangement from his immediate family.

What strikes me as most intriguing about this story, however, is how quickly his wife “pulled the plug” on Mr. Coleman after he slipped into  a coma.  According to news accounts: Mr. Coleman suffered a brain hemorrhage at his home Wednesday evening (some reports say he “fell”).  By the account of his manager, John Alcantar, Mr. Coleman was “conscious and lucid” Thursday morning, and he apparently slipped into a coma that afternoon.  News accounts further report that he was removed from life support at 12:05pm on Friday.  So hold on a minute: he supposedly fell in his home, suffered a hemorrhage, slipped into a coma and was unplugged in less than 36 hours?  Can that be right?

I imagine a team of doctors striding into Mr. Coleman’s hospital room as he lay in a coma, attempting to update Mr. Coleman’s wife, Shannon Prince:

As the doctor is looking up from his charts, he says,

“Mrs. Coleman, I’ve been reviewing your husband’s test results, and although he’s only been here a few hours, I think our best course of action is to …are you unplugging that machine?  Wait a minute..”. 

“I know you’ve tried everything, but Gary said he didn’t want to suffer, and didn’t want to live this way…”. 

“Ma’am, we’ve hardly tried anything yet, and he’s only been here around 8 hours, I think we should finish our evaluation -”. 

“..for not even a minute.  I’ve been praying for a miracle that never happened! And, and, and he said he never wanted to be a burden”. 

“A burden??? You haven’t even been here long enough to start paying for parking for God’s sake”. 

“Yes, a burden – I’m a busy, vibrant woman, and I’ve got an appointment with my personal trainer in 45 minutes.”

“Oh, well why didn’t you say so?  We could have skipped the whole silly evaluation. Carry on, then.”

NOTE: The United States House of Representatives honored Mr. Coleman during yesterday’s session.  The venerable Rep. Diane Watson eloquently delivers a brief comment.  She notes that he was “small in statue“.  This Congress is on top of the latest breaking news!

UPDATE: Britain’s Daily Mail has a story about Mr. Coleman’s ”wife’s heart-breaking decision to turn off life support machine“.  Ummmm.

RIP Lena Horne

This is the only reason why my children knew who the heck Lena Horne was. Best ABC song. Ever.

Peter Graves – RIP

Peter Graves is an icon; he’s uttered some of the greatest lines ever used on the big screen.  Find somebody who doesn’t know what you’re talking about when you use the “Joey…” lines, and I’ll send you a dollar.  (Offer not valid in most states, eligibility requirements must be met, terms and conditions may apply).

See? Hot dogs must promote longevity!

Oscar Mayer, 95, passed away today at a hospice in Wisconsin. Mr. Mayer was the third Oscar Mayer to run the family-named company before eventually selling it to Kraft Foods. This somehow  proves that hot dogs are not bad for your health, and probably preserve you in some fashion, to live to a ripe old age of 95. Think about how many wieners that guy ate during his lifetime!

We should recall that Ernest and Julio Gallo (of Ernest & Julio Gallo Winery) lived to be 97 and 83, respectively, essentially proving that wine is a healthy food.  Ettore Boiardi (Chef Boyardee) lived to be 88, Jimmy Dean of sausage fame is alive and kicking at age 81,  and Wally Amos (Famous Amos cookies) is just fine at 73. 

It looks like hot dogs, wine, pasta, sausage and cookies are actually super-foods… dig in and live longer!

Date Night in Bangkok Gone Wrong – RIP David Carradine

Ouch. When the Lord decides it’s your time to go, your number is simply up; I just hope not to be in a mortally embarrassing situation for all the world to see. David Carradine of ‘Kung Fu’ and ‘Kill Bill’ fame died this week in his Bangkok hotel room. American papers reported that he was found ‘hanging in the closet of his room’, but only the British papers indicated that he was ‘found naked hanging in his hotel room closet’. Well it seems clear that date night (whether alone or with someone else) had gone terribly wrong. Had it been an LA hotel, I might not have jumped to conclusions, but when you add it all up, it’s just a little freaky time gone awry. Now the papers are reporting he was tied at his neck and personal bits, with the same rope, and everybody knows that’s too much trouble for a garden variety suicide. It’s funny, in a sick way, how all his friends and family are certain that this was not a suicide, NO WAY. NOT DAVID. He was definitely having a kinky date with a Thai hooker and something bad went down. How best to remember your dad? Suicide or auto-erotic asphyxiation? Margaret Cho put it best when she said ‘Kung Fu’ should have been called ‘Hey, that guy’s not Chinese’. RIP Grasshopper.