Real Housewives of Middlesex County

The last few weeks have been so busy for the Housewives:

The annual Science Fair is great, because the stench of vinegar is so strong, it’s like being at an abandoned winery, or a salad dressing factory. Nobody doesn’t like the baking soda volcanoes! It was a big event, made bigger by the best project ever: a mummified chicken.  Awesome! It took the kid over two months to do; that’s planning ahead.  I haven’t heard a peep about the little first-grader’s experiment “What kind of nuts do Squirrels Like Best?”.  Her presentation was complete with samples of many kinds of nuts, including actual peanuts, crushed up to show how she put them out for the squirrels (along with a variety of other evil nuts).  The sign-up form was clear that students were to use only household chemicals, and no live animals.  I’ll be you a dollar that ”use of peanuts” will be restricted on next year’s form!

Library duty for the housewives has been uneventful, until yesterday when one fifth-grader informed me that she didn’t have her book because “the cleaning lady put it somewhere that I can’t find it”.  Ahhhh, the cleaning lady did it.  Usually the kids blame the Mom or siblings (we never ask if you forgot your book, it’s completely unsolicited information), but the cleaning lady did it.  This girl told me twice.  I told her I heard her the first time.

Preparations for Mexican Fiesta day are under way, and we are all assigned to one of the many authentic Mexican foods that the children will be enjoying:  7 Layer Dip (it’s a little-known fact that the Maya invented this right after they created their extremely accurate solar calendar), Mexican fruit salad, Mexican brownies, flan, etc.  Basically, it’s stuff that these 8-year-olds won’t eat.  We were reminded of the importance of following the recipes EXACTLY, due to the number of food allergies prevalent in school.  We were also cautioned about food preparation areas in our homes, to ensure no cross-contamination.  Oy vey.  As for attire, the children were given some guidelines as to what traditional clothing for a big party would be, and organizers want us to be “authentic without being stereotypic”.  I guess sombreros and serapes are okay, but pulling up in my low-rider and honking my “la cucaracha” musical horn is out of the question. I can’t wait for Japan Day!

Real Housewives of Middlesex County

Well, now that the kids are back to school after Christmas break, it’s time to get back to my very important responsibilities for the parent teach organization and the school library.

I do the banking for my school’s PTO, and if I did not have these responsibilities, I probably wouldn’t set foot in an actual brick and mortar bank, right? These guys are brutal – when are you going to get an account? Where is your money now? and so on EVERY TIME I GO – I mean, it’s kind of a running joke, but it’s getting really tiresome. This has been going on since September, but this week, it seems that some regional people were visiting the local branch, and there were literally TEN employees in the bank. I was the only customer.  I was the only customer all during my transaction (37 checks for $3.00 apiece). I told the honchos that the service was great, and then the honcho started in on where do you bank?, etc. I told him (in an apologetic tone) that  it’s really hard to get all excited about banking, and that but for my little volunteer job, I’d have no reason to even set foot in a bank.  Sigh. I didn’t want to rip into him about bailouts, 0% on savings, etc.  That wouldn’t have been polite. There are used car salesmen that have a lighter touch than these guys. Good grief.

Library duty this week was a little more interesting than usual: I had to break up a shoving match between two boys trying to get the same book about the Titanic (elementary school boys love death, destruction, and natural disasters). I took the book, scolded them in my best disappointed librarian voice, and told them nobody could get it this week. Maybe they could try again next time, if they could behave. One of the kindergarteners asked for a book about vampires or skeletons, and I found an early reader chapter book for him “Vampires Don’t Play Piano” or something silly like that.  He came back a few minutes later, having rejected the book, saying “it’s not good for my soul”. No kidding.  How about a book about dinosaurs?

Finally, Cranky Son #2 shared his library experience, and said he had a question for me. (I don’t volunteer when my kids have library, I like to be under the radar at school, kind of like a ninja). He said at the library there’s a book called “Yes We Can”, and it has a picture of President Obama on it, but what?  Yes we can…what?  “I guess I don’t understand”.  I took the high road and said it was a slogan, but that I also didn’t know the “what” part of the equation either.

Real Housewives of Middlesex County

So the Feds arrested a suspected terrorist in my town last week – great!  I usually joke about how the newspaper wouldn’t cover a meth lab in an elementary school because of the bad press, but this time the helicopters, satellite trucks and dozens and dozens of law enforcement vehicles made the arrest impossible to ignore.  Seems this guy is just a 27-year old peace-loving, proud graduate of our local high school who still lives at home with his parents.  Sure, he went to Yemen with another guy who, it turns out, was looking for al Queda training camps, so what? So he may have wanted to shoot up the Natick Mall -probably just an exaggeration.  Oi vey. 

The funny part about the story is that when we moved to our upscale suburb (we’re no longer affluent in the media, we’re upscale), our second-choice house was on the very street where this guy lives.  Yup. We would have been neighbors for crying out loud.  I would have been the wing nut that would tell the media “he kind of kept to himself, but I always thought something funny was going on over there”.  

I guess if he’s convicted, he’ll be sent to live with the Gitmo detainees in Amherst.  No harm done, really.

Real Housewives of Middlesex County

Today I stopped in at the annual Fall Book Fair at our elementary school, and came across this ill-timed title from Mo Willems:

 

I acted all disgusted and asked if this was some kind of sick joke – thankfully (for the first time in my entire life) everyone knew I was joking.  I bought every copy they had.  Then I visited to school nurse to let her know about the panic-based literature to which we were exposing our children (she also knew I was joking).

Real Housewives of Middlesex County

After the merciful end to spring soccer in the affluent suburbs, there’s finally some  Housewives-worthy scoop around here!  Now, you’ll be disappointed to know that it has nothing to do with soccer, so please go elsewhere for soccer-related scoop.  There you go…

The affluent suburbs are petrified that any bad press will tarnish their otherwise sterling reputation, especially when the word ‘school’ is included. None of this information is found in any newspaper or probably even written down anywhere.  But this suburb saw its ugly underside at a parent-chaperoned overnight field trip.  This three-night adventure is the highlight of the fourth grade, and many parent volunteers are needed to make it a success.  Prior to the field trip, volunteer parents attended a formal orientation to set expectations of their duties and were explicitly notified that alcoholic beverages are in no way permitted at the site.  Cigarettes, and/or smoking are also not permitted since the camp facility is deemed school property for the duration of the visit, and thank you very much for not having sex with each other. They had to add that in after a Mom and a Dad who were not married decided to do the wild thing while chaperoning their children. I don’t think they explicity discussed illegal drugs, but they also didn’t mention that pornography, prostitution, or assault of any kind were to be avoided, either. Maybe they weren’t clear enough in the orientation. 

A parent (theoretical responsible adult) got rip-roaring, falling-down drunk at the event, and had to be removed from the premises by a theoretically shocked and mortified spouse.  In the process, the parent launched a number of anti-Semitic verbal assaults (did I mention the site of the field trip was a Jewish educational facility?).    After the trip, the school issued no notice of the incident to parents, so you had to be “in the know” to find out that your kids saw a totally wasted grown-up spewing hateful speech at your big camping-type experience.  (Note that when a child was found to have a manicure kit in her backpack on the bus a few months back, a note went home to all parents explaining that there was no threat to personal safety, and that your kids were ok, etc. )  The parent has an obvious addiction problem, and has not been banned from school activities, or suffered any kind of formal sanction.  If a teacher had behaved this way, would they be brought up on charges?  Fired? School district honchos have left it to the very effective rumor mill to chastise the parent, hoping others will do their dirty work, hoping it simply won’t happen again.   Thank goodness none of this made the papers, because that would have been totally embarrassing!  Feel badly for that parent’s kids, though OK?

Real Housewives of Middlesex County

Today the handsome, Latin septic system man came to service my tank. I venture to guess that the septic guy doesn’t get propositioned the way the UPS man might (in television and movies).  He was three hours early, and my son was home sick from school and could not stop ranting about the smell. Just another glamorous day in the affluent suburbs.