Parenting is just plain crazy

There have been a lot of articles recently that let parents know what to be afraid of (which is everything), how to make your children more independent (which is abusive), and why you suck at parenting so much. Here’s a sampling of all the info out there:

“They’re Coming for Your Children. Oh Wait.  Never Mind.”

“Mister Softee: The Latest Menace to Society”

“Why I Let my 9-Year Old Ride the Subway Alone”

Free Range Kids (blog)

TV’s continue to crush children, even though flat screens are popular

Yelling is the new spanking (is nothing sacred??)

On the other hand, there are the stories of not-so-happy endings when the little darlings run amok. One survey done in Britain showed that one quarter of the participants are afraid to discipline their children for fear of upsetting the precious ones.  What could go wrong?

Colorado 14 year-old shot his parents to get out of chores.

At the end of the day, though, you can have courage in telling your children to stop jumping on the bed (like the little monkeys in the book), because it can truly cause a fire that burns down your whole house.  Sleep tight, little ones!

BREAKING: SUMMER ACTIVITIES DANGEROUS FOR KIDS

Toy safety consumer group W.A.T.C.H. (World Against Toys Causing Harm, Inc.) has issued its summer warning to parents about the hazards of some of your children’s summer activities, as well as identifying several dangerous summer toys. The pamphlet reminds parents that

“Summer is a time of outdoor fun and activity, but also a time of peril” (insert dramatic music here)

The pamphlet indicates that particularly hazardous summer activities include: biking, skateboarding, using in-line skates, riding scooters, playing soccer (goals can fall over and kill you), playing on playgrounds, swimming, hot-tubbing, and falling out of windows.  In essence, any camp or non-camp activity is just a huge accident waiting to happen.

The toys that are frowned upon this summer include: inflatable pool toys, water guns, pool toys, slingshots, marshmallow shooters, and air guns.

W.A.T.C.H. pretty much is saying that letting your child participate in these activities makes you a bad parent, and that you should be wetting yourself with fear each time your child rides his bike, or uses a squirt gun.  Your best bet for child safety this summer is to keep your child indoors in front of the television, computer, or video games, where they can’t get hurt.

UPDATED:  W.A.T.C.H. has just updated the dangerous summer toys list to include rocks, sticks, leaves (to include pine needles), sand, shells, grass,  flowers, dirt, and dead animals found in the road.  Please change your summer plans accordingly. It’s for your child’s safety.

Take Your Kids to Work Day – PRISON RULES

Each year, thousands of kids go to work with a parent or guardian on ‘Take Your Kids to Work Day’ so they can gain a greater appreciation for the hard work they do to provide for their families.  In the Florida penal system, kids of prison guards get scared straight.  Next time they think about talking back to Mom or Dad, or think about blowing off their homework or chores, they’ll remember how they got shot with a stun gun, or how much tear gas makes you crty.  Yup, the children of prison guards only ask to go to work ONCE.  On April 23rd of this year, forty-three children were stun-gunned at Florida prisons during ‘Take Your Child to Work Day’, and several were sickened by exposure to tear gas.  Notable tidbits:

McNeil repeatedly stressed that the stun-gunning only happened at three of the 55 institutions and that it wasn’t part of a widespread practice. Still, he acknowledged that it was ”logical” to assume other children had been shocked on other take-your-kids-to-work days.

So far this year, none of the devices have been used on the 100,000 prison inmates — only the children of DOC workers. McNeil said the use of the guns violated DOC policies. Of the children exposed to the stun guns, 14 were directly shocked at Franklin, Martin, and Indian River correctional institutions

Twenty-nine others were indirectly exposed when they held hands with a person who was shocked. By circling up, the electricity could flow from one child’s hands to the next (wheeeeee!). After hearing of the incident at Franklin, McNeil said, he conducted an investigation that revealed the stun-gunning at the other institutions.

Asked if he had ever seen anything like this in his 30 years in law enforcement, McNeil paused before saying “I’ve never seen anything like this.”

Lessons learned by the children at the end of the day: ‘Boy, my parent is a f*ing  jerk.  I’d better stay in school and study so as not be have to wind up working in prison, stun-gunning my own kids.”  No word yet as to how the day went for kids of CIA employees.

Florida’s Finest are on the Job!

A 19-year old Florida woman has been jailed and held WITHOUT BAIL after her child was discovered to have “bottle mouth”: tooth decay common in infants and toddlers.  Police say the woman took the child to the dentist, but was unable to pay for treatment since Medicaid doesn’t cover dental visits.  The woman failed to seek out another provider that would accept Medicaid, nor did she attempt to seek funding from the child’s deadbeat dad.  The article did not say how the police came to be involved in the matter (I’m guessing the dentist ratted her out!).

This woman is obviously a menace to society, and should be kept behind bars until such time as she can change government insurance so that it covers dental treatment (Medicaid does not cover dental work), or when she can make deadbeat dads pay for normal child support and additional medical bills.  Then maybe monkey will fly out of my ass.

In an unrelated story, a Massachusetts woman has been arrested after police found that her children’s fingernails hadn’t been trimmed “in ages”, according to the report.  Police are also investigating allegations of tight-fitting shoes and non brand-name clothing in the home.  Neither the police nor the woman were available for comment.

Get your child tested today!

Important news in parenting emerged last week:  finally, a Portland, Oregon firm can genetically test your child to see if s/he has the newly discovered “athletic gene”, labeled ACTN3, which everyone has, but may look different in a future athlete.  Parents can test their children with a simple cheek swab and $125.  “The cost/benefit is astounding” said one Eugene, Oregon parent “think of all the money you’ll save on equipment, practice time, and personal trainers if you find out your kid simply doesn’t have the goods”.  An anonymous Portland parent thought that “if the test will show I don’t have to go to another 5:00 am ice time, then it would totally be worth it, and then my child won’t be disappointed when they end up stinking at their sport”.  A self-proclaimed soccer mom indicated that she “would be excited to direct my child’s activities where they had the most potential, because there aren’t many academic scholarships any more, are there?” Other parents, are of course offended at the notion of testing their child for future abilities, “what next, mandatory IQ tests to see how much schooling should be ‘spent’ on your child?”.  Ironically, the Obama Administration is looking into genetic testing in order to better allocate education dollars now that school choice has been ended in Washington, DC.  The results of the research could be used as a nationwide education model.