Birds of a Feather

June 16, 2010: Obama seizes $20b fund from BP for Gulf Victims

June 24, 2010: Chavez seizes US-owned oil rigs, won’t pay overdue invoices

Both are reported to have used the same executive authority.

Did Hayward go to Harvard, too???

Not. Acceptable.

I've been bumped???

So the Great Pumpkin has finally decided that he’ll send more troops to Afghanistan after all, but he can’t wait another 30 minutes longer to jazz it up with a moving speech which won’t really say anything but that which we already know. He’ll happily bump ‘A Charlie Brown Christmas’ from TV tonight, but ABC assures us that they’ll show it next week at the same time. Typical.  People get a little bit of joy for FREE compliments of an old 1970′s cartoon, but the Great and Powerful Oz can’t possibly wait 30 minutes to squawk at West Point about his glorious and nuanced decision. Woe unto those parents who aren’t in the know, and tune in at 8pm for Peanuts; I can already hear the crying and gnashing of teeth.

No worries; Health Care Reform will be Keen!

BREAKING: Clinton was pushed!

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton (age 61) had surgery on Friday to repair her right elbow, broken in a fall in the State Department parking garage last Wednesday. Official reports tell us that Mrs. Clinton fell in the garage on the way to her car, and that she was accompanied by associate Richard Holbrooke.  An exclusive Cranky Mommy source reports that the fall was not an accident at all; Mrs. Clinton was pushed to the ground in the garage, causing the injury. An unidentified garage attendant reports that Secretary Clinton, Richard Holbrooke, and  a man fitting the description of Rahm Emanuel were walking together in the parking garage.  After what appeared to be a brief argument, the Emanuel look-alike knocked Mrs. Clinton to the ground hissing “Enough already, I know it’s a total cluster*uck, but stop rubbing it in our faces!  Just do what we tell you – you’ve been warned!”.  Other sources report that behind the scenes, Mrs. Clinton has been highly critical of the President’s positions on: relationships with China and Saudi Arabia vis a vis human rights issues, violence in Mexico, North Korean threats, support of Israel, unrest in Pakistan, and the administration’s stance on Iranian elections and their quest for nuclear weaponry.  There has reportedly been lots of eye-rolling and heavy sighing with an occasional Clinton cackle in State Department meetings, and it has apparently not gone unnoticed.  All of the informants requested anonymity for personal safety reasons.

Billy Mays to Host Obama’s ABC Special

Billy Mays, the world’s most recognized direct response advertising salesperson, has agreed to host President Obama’s ABC special on June 24th. On that evening, ABC news will broadcast from the White House, with Charlie Gibson anchoring World News from the Blue Room. After the normal news broadcast, Billy Mays will host the President’s prime-time, made-for-TV special, “Prescription for America”. The special will address concerns ordinary Americans have with our ailing health care system, and Billy Mays will lay out those stubborn problems and the proposed governmental solutions.  The administration rejects notions that this television segment is an ‘infomercial’ for nationalized health care, and rejects out of hand accusations that no differing points of view would be offered during the special. 

Cranky Mommy has obtained a draft page of the script to be used for the introduction to the ABC program:

DRAFT – SUBJECT TO FINAL EDITS; BILLY (YELLING): ”Hi, Billy Mays here for the government, and its new health care plan called ZILCH! If you’re havin’ problems with your current health care situation: pesky co-payments, too many doctors to choose from, employer contributions to premiums, and no dental coverage, then you need ZILCH!  Other plans have terms and conditions you just can’t understand, and you never really know if you’re covered, but not ZILCH! When you have ZILCH, you’re completely covered for what the government decides you really need, without confusing restrictions, and without those snooty doctors! ZILCH can shrink those health plan documents down to a simple index card with clear yes or no decisions for what health care you deserve.  Tired of running around getting referrals to specialists, or spending your precious time on the phone making appointments?  With ZILCH, you get an annual physical on the date and time you’re given, and you’re all set – it’s that easy!  If there’s any kind of follow-up, they’ll tell you! Free yourself of the confusing fuss and muss of health care and the stressful decisions that come with it, and let ZILCH do it for you.  You’ll also feel better knowing that all Americans will have ZILCH, and that the government’s actuarial tables will be consistently used to allocate health care fairly.  “

RON, W, AND BARRY

Stolen from Bruce at No Looking Backwards, who stole it from Northeastshooters.com.

SNUBBED! BHO Ticked off at Kim Jong-Il

WASHINGTON: Insiders at the White House report that the President is rather sullen, having been snubbed by North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il this week.  On Monday and Tuesday, North Korea reportedly tested three missiles and tested a nuclear device comparable to the Hiroshima and Nagasaki bombs.  An unnamed source calimed that “BHO is a little down, because he sent Kim Jong-Il a “Captain Kirk Bear” from Vermont Teddy Bear before the Memorial Day weekend, and the overture was grossly rejected. BHO heard Jong-Il was kind of a Trekkie, and thought it was a good idea”.  Secretary of State Hillary Clinton spoke off the record about the gift, and reportedly rolled her eyes and uttered something about a “friggin’ teddy bear for a dictator’, while officially she emphasized that North Korea will pay for its behavior, and that the US is still committed to six-party talks.

Though White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs would not comment on the gift to Jong-Il, a Vermont Teddy Bear employee did leak details of the “Supreme Court Judge Bear” sent to Sonia Sotomayor in New York.  The note read “please be my nominee?  BHO”, and was accompanied by a small box of chocolates and an autographed copy of “Dreams from my Father”.

Obama’s UNC pick wins White House NCAA Pool

Barack Obama’s pick of the University of North Carolina to win the men’s NCAA basketball tournament gave him enough points to win the White House tournament pool this year.  The President won the $78 million pot, while Rahm Emanuel came in with a close second, and a $22 million share.  “Rahm’s just mad that I won, and Timmy G. is still so busy crunching the pool numbers, that he hasn’t figured out that he lost – it’s was a friendly wager” said the president at a press conference early this morning in which he signed the “Office Gaming Enforcement Act” that will effectively tax winnings of even the most informal wagering in cases like the NCAA tournament.  Part of the proceeds of taxes collected will fund the “Don’t take a chance of Gambling” program aimed at young teens at risk for gambling addiction.  No word on who the President picked to win the women’s basketball tournament tonight; rumor has it that there’s no money riding on the decision.

Finally…a tax that affects the President

Today the federal tax on cigarettes goes up a stunning 61% per pack, adding over a dollar to each pack, and over ten dollars per carton (state governments are piling on in addition). “At least the President feels this one, too” said convenience store owner Barry Lawson of DesMoines. “The other tax increases are for rich people, but this one hits regular folks, including the President of the United States!”.

The proceeds of the tax increase will be channeled to expand the State Children’s Health Insurance Program (SCHIP), and the administration hopes to extend coverage to an additional 4 million children. So if you’re thinking about cutting back or quitting smoking all together due to rising costs, the administration urges you to remember that if you do, you’re harming America’s most vulnerable citizens: the children.  Now might be a good time to pick up the habit: for the children.