Mammogram….Goody Bags?

First of all, my headline seems naughty, and that was unintended.  I apologize.  I had my annual mammogram this morning, with the Cranky Children in tow. I made them wait in the registration area reading comic books while I buzzed in for the annual crushing of the teeny boobs. The technicians are always chatty, trying to put you at ease, and it seems to me that they put on a big show of Windexing the torture machine’s lucite surfaces. It was really fast, and the technician explained when I would hear results, where to call if I have questions, how I may get a survey  about my test (“we Strive for fives”), and finally she said ”and here’s your goody bag”. Huh? I’ve been given these goody bags before, usually after having blood work done at the main hospital in the area. I guess that kind of makes sense; they want you to eat right after giving your blood, but I’ve never gotten a post-mammogram goody bag. When we were leaving, the Cranky Children asked about the bag, and I told them it was my goody bag.  They were fascinated, and bugged me all day to open it, and asked to open it, but I left it on the kitchen counter as kind of a conversation piece.  Their expectations were for more grand than the reality. Inside the plain white paper bag was a small bottle of water and a granola bar. And one Andes mint.  Seems weak consolation for the travails of your typical mammogram. Is this why health care is so expensive? I understand that when Obamacare is fully implemented, you get a goody bag that has Fig Newtons, a piece of Nicorette gum, and a twenty-dollar bill. That is, if you’re lucky enough to qualify for a mammogram in the first place. I can’t wait!

BREAKING: TSA to offer Pap Test in addition to Mammograms during Security Check

Washington: Department of Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano today announced a new program that will enable female commercial flyers to receive a Pap Smear in addition to the Mammogram they already receive as a part of new airport security measures implemented by the Transportation Safety Administration. Secretary Napolitano noted that “this is only a baby step for cross-agency cooperation for the betterment of our country’s health and security.  It’s a grand day for women’s health in America!”.  Secretary Napolitano was unsure if the new health measures would be in place for the Thanksgiving travel period, typically the busiest travel period of the year in America.

The Papanicolaou Test (“Pap” for short) is an internal exam that collects cells from a woman’s cervix with a special tool, and enables doctors to evaluate pre-cancerous or cancerous conditions.  The Mammogram, of course, is an  external testbreast designed to identify potential pre-cancerous irregularities.

Although many details have yet to be worked out (co-payments, medical records, inaccurate results), Vice President Joe Biden gave the new program an enthusiastic response while visiting a stimulus-funded new sidewalk in a vacant Detroit neighborhood. He said “Whoah, that’s great – we’re combining health care with security, wow, that’s a big f@*%ing deal! ” When Biden was asked if he would want his family to be subjected to the newly enhanced security/health procedures, he replied “Hell, no – I don’t even want my family to get that Swine Flu vaccine. I’ll stick to taking the train, thank you very much!”

Prostate Cancer breakthrough in Libya

With all the talk about reform of the American health system, one must consider the medical systems and advances of other nations.  Convicted Lockerbie bomber Abdelbaset Ali Mohamed Al Megrahi was released from a Scottish prison  in August of 2009  on controversial compassionate grounds.  Al Megrahi’s medical status was described as “having taken a turn for the worse”,  given his deteriorating condition with terminal prostate cancer. Doctors had given him only three months to live.  Now, almost five months later, we have no word of his passing from Libyan officials.  Several questions remain: Did he receive some experimental treatment in Libya? Is the care that much better than in the UK?   Could Scottish doctors have completely misread the medical evidence?  Should Libyan health care be a model for the world? Did the Scottish doctors assume he’d only live 3 months under their care (NIH)? Don’t book your flight to Tripoli just yet for miracle treatments; could it simply be that the players involved simply lied?  Cranky updates as they happen.

Gov’t Health Care Plan Details – Calculator Included

WASHINGTON – As the furor over health care in the United States continues, new details about the government’s proposed single-payer plan continue to emerge. Dr.Ezekiel Emanuel has spelled out exactly how health care decisions would be made under the administration’s single payer option, to reassure the public that so-called ”death panels” would “certainly not exist”.    The government has officially released it’s ‘Care Reasonability Assessment Protocol’ (CRAP), which will identify the definitive list of all health care services, medications, devices, and treatments to which every individual is entitled.  Further, each individual will be assigned a “Plan Date” by using the official CRAP Calculator (CRAPulator).  Please be patient when waiting for the CRAPulator to produce its result.  The Plan Date is the day after which health benefits will no longer be paid for by the government,based mostly on relevant actuarial data, and some not so relevant data (political affiliation, campaign contributions, educational background, government employee status, etc.).

Individuals that live past their CRAP Plan Date would have to pay for their own health care (or submit reimbursement for government-incurred expenses), as well as face a stiff $3000 per year tax penalty until the time of that individual’s death. This should not be construed as a new tax.  Couples filing jointly that have both exceeded their CRAP Plan Date face a $7500 per year penalty.

On the other hand, individuals that pass away before their CRAP-assigned Plan Date will enable their surviving spouse or next of kin a $2000 per year tax credit for each tax year until the individual’s original Plan Date has been reached.

Finally, individuals that do not avail themselves of government-paid health care for nine consecutive months during a calendar year would be entitled to their own $2500 per year rebate (joint filers would receive a $4000 rebate). It has yet to be determined if this rebate will qualify as income for tax purposes; rebates may be taxable at the state level.

Dr. Emmanuel in convinced that reform that includes CRAP will provide a fair method for balancing the high costs and limited supply of quality health care services.  He stresses the need for all Americans to make “smart choices” when deciding when or if they need health services, and he believes that the financial incentives will lead people in the responsible direction.  Administration interns have calculated estimates on the cost of the program, and it appears that they expect “a complete wash”, or nearly zero net cost.  Experts expect that the cost of implementing universal healthcare will be evenly balanced out by strict cessation of benefits at plan date,  expected reimbursements from post-Plan Date patients, as well as the hefty penalties described above. The panel that studied the plan saw no reason to believe that there would be any unintended consequences for behavioral changes enacted by taxpayers at anything other than immaterial levels.  The President and both houses of Congress have been discussing CRAP for months, and will continue to determine which version of CRAP will finally be passed off on the unwitting public.

Women Crushed Under More than Healthcare Decisions

First Lady Michelle Obama described how women are “crushed” under the current health system (don’t be confused with being “constricted” by that weird belt she had on). Women are the ones that choose their family’s doctors, women make the appointments, and women provide the follow-up on care for their family members.  She stressed the point that women are largely responsible for healthcare decisions in their families, and that they are overburdened with these duties.  Healthcare reform would empower these women by simplifying the decisions to be made for herself or her family.  “Women are the ones to do it”. Mrs. Obama also proposed that we also implement reform in the following segments of our society, in addition to the dreadful healthcare industry, that are also currently “crushing” the women in our nation with so many choices and options:

Greeting cards & gifts: recent surveys showed that 9 out of 10 women are responsible for keeping track of birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, etc., and are also responsible for procuring appropriate greeting cards and thoughtful gifts for the entire family and close friends. This cannot go on.

School Committees & Activities: 6 out of 10 women surveyed are involved in at least one school activity or committee, with participation required at least twice per month. Women are also expected to make costumes, cook for school bake sales and activities, and participate in non-formal school fundraising.  Please make it stop.

Grocery & Sundries: 9 out of 10 women surveyed provide all food and sundry procurement services for their home, including meal planning, nutritional analysis, economy analysis, and delivery.  They also clean out the fridge on some periodic basis when their ungrateful family doesn’t eat what they’ve procured.  This is slowly killing our nation’s women.

As we can see, women suffer on virtually every level of their lives, and it is time to stop dragging our feet on enacting true change that will benefit a huge segment of our great nation.  Please  -  contact your representatives today to unburden our nation’s women.  Having all these choices and responsibilities is really crushing us, and we’ve been hoping and waiting for meaningful change to come.

U.S. Postal to be revamped for Health Care

PORTSMOUTH, NH – This week, President Barack Obama told his completely unstaged audience in New Hampshire not to worry about losing their existing insurance coverage, and that private firms won’t be driven out of business. He said that “FedEx and UPS don’t have any problems, it’s the  Post Office that has the problems.” The remark seemed fitting, since overhaul of the USPS is included in HR 3200, the 1,000-plus page document that has been read by exactly six Congressional staffers. While most of the details of the plan are not specifically spelled out, Section 9.15 stipulates that existing Post Office venues will be revamped to accommodate an environment to “provide everyday health care to our citizens”.  Since virtually every community in the country has access to a Post Office, it makes sense to revamp mail service along with health care issues. Local post offices will no longer be open on weekends, and mail delivery will be stopped on Saturdays, but every weekday and non-federal holiday,  Americans will be able to go to the Post Office for physicals, blood pressure screenings, colonoscopies, and mammograms. Postal employees are exceptionally skilled at weighing and measuring (you dont’ need an RN to do this), but they will require additional training so Barney the cranky postal employee can evaluate your blood pressure, x-ray results, or perform a prostate exam.   Patients are used to waiting in lines at the post, and all branches have queueing systems already in place.  “Everybody knows that the Post Office is really only busy on Tax Day and two weeks before Christmas”, noted Postmaster General Potter, “we can really use the time and space for more productive uses”.  Under the reform bill, the Postmaster General will be deputized as an Assistant Director of Health and Human Services, and no postal branches will be closed, and no employees laid off.  “We’re excited by the proposed changes”, said Potter, “when we work out all the details, I’m sure we’ll be giving folks exactly what they deserve.”  Other plan proposals include:

Additional co-pays to get test results overnight, or ‘Priority’ two-day results

The ‘Stamps Only’ line will change to ‘Stamps & Blue Pills Only’ line,

The ‘Dead Letter Office’ will accommodate the new federally mandated euthanasia clinic

Postal vending machines to include generic brands of insulin, birth control pills, chemotherapy drugs (non-intravenous varieties), and antibiotics

In future phases, mail carrier vehicles will be at the ready during delivery routes for emergency situations, where patients would be brought directly to the central postal facility (at the end of the route) to receive care.

Yeah, the government should totally run our health care system….

….they are such good record-keepers!  In the latest drama to unfold in the Cranky Family, an Uncle passed away after fighting cancer for years, enduring tons of treatments and lots of pain. Uncle was a veteran of the US Navy, and received medical coverage from the Veteran’s Administration (with all its warts) for the past 35 years. He passed away in a local hospice, and is awaiting his final rest. Oh, but there is no rest, you see. The plan was to bury him in a veteran’s cemetery, but in the process, we and the funeral home have found that there is no record of Uncle in the military. It seems that this could indicate that he was dishonorably discharged or something, or it could be just an honest error somewhere along the way. But wait, the government has been Uncle’s primary medical provider for the last 35 years, and nobody has ever refused treatment because they could not find the records. Curious. So they know enough about him to spend tons of money on surgery and cancer treatments, but not enough to bury him in a veteran’s cemetery.  Who knows what the real deal is? The family is working on alternate arrangements, since it seems the issue will be resolved with the efficiency we all expect from multiple governmental agencies (except for those that actually take your money – the IRS knows all about you, for sure!), and that simply won’t provide timely closure for the grieving family.  Sadly, it’s only a matter of time before Uncle is called for federal jury duty, is audited, or starts receiving Social Security checks.  He may even continue to vote in several more elections.