BREAKING: SCHOOL LOCKDOWN: PEANUT M&M FOUND ON BUS

EDGEWATER, FLORIDA: School officials at the town’s elementary school have implemented a complete lockdown of the campus after a student found an orange peanut M&M on the bus. As students arrived at school, they were ushered to safety in the school’s auditorium, where the waited for their turn to be scrubbed down with Clorox wipes in the school nurse’s office. Edgewater Police Chief Pete Nutterman held a press conference in which he assured parents that the hard candy shell of the M&M had not been breached, but the scrubdowns had to be executed in the event that the children were exposed to other dangerous candies on the bus. A full investigation is under way, and hazmat teams have begun cleanup of the bus. More details as they become available.

Beware the Beagles

New York certainly has its share of problems: crime, economic hardship, Yankees fans, and a nanny-state government.  But now there’s something serious to worry about – packs of wild beagles running amok! It seems that the beagle population is out of control, and after rabbit-hunting season, these poor dogs are simply released into the wilds of Long Island.  This news report caught up with a woman who was terrorized by this band of unruly, yet cuddly cute beagles:

New York can be grateful that they have packs of beagles, and not gangs of raccoons, as they do in Florida.  There was an effort underway to catch the wayward raccoons that attacked a 74-year-old woman, but the sheriff was quoted as saying “Even if we capture a lot of raccoons we can’t be sure they are our suspect raccoons”.  I hope we don’t arrest any terrorists in Florida any time soon, and that the New Yorkers make sure they capture the right pack of beagles.  Here’s the footage (Sheriff Grady Rudd’s comment about the ‘suspect raccoons’ is not on the video):

 

Florida’s Finest are on the Job!

A 19-year old Florida woman has been jailed and held WITHOUT BAIL after her child was discovered to have “bottle mouth”: tooth decay common in infants and toddlers.  Police say the woman took the child to the dentist, but was unable to pay for treatment since Medicaid doesn’t cover dental visits.  The woman failed to seek out another provider that would accept Medicaid, nor did she attempt to seek funding from the child’s deadbeat dad.  The article did not say how the police came to be involved in the matter (I’m guessing the dentist ratted her out!).

This woman is obviously a menace to society, and should be kept behind bars until such time as she can change government insurance so that it covers dental treatment (Medicaid does not cover dental work), or when she can make deadbeat dads pay for normal child support and additional medical bills.  Then maybe monkey will fly out of my ass.

In an unrelated story, a Massachusetts woman has been arrested after police found that her children’s fingernails hadn’t been trimmed “in ages”, according to the report.  Police are also investigating allegations of tight-fitting shoes and non brand-name clothing in the home.  Neither the police nor the woman were available for comment.