“I’ve seen a lot of things….”

…said one of the ushers at my church, “but I’ve never seen that!”  His comment followed a mass during which  a parishioner sauntered in late, holding a Dunkin’ Donuts coffee.  I mean, DUH – we all would like to bring a roadie to church, but we hold back on that each Sunday, don’t we?  He didn’t ditch in the back or anything, he walked about to the middle where his family was sitting.  Later he proceeded to open one of the windows near his pew, setting the coffee down on the window will for all to see AGAIN.  Frank has been an usher at this church for a good long time, and he acknowledges that he has ”lived a long time,”, but that he’s never seen anything like that.  He said in his Italian accent, “I felt like maybe I should offer him a cigarette or something to go with his coffee”. 

At our older son’s First Communion a few weeks ago, a woman (much older than my mother) had her cell phone ring (even after the priest, recognizing that the church was full of people who may not go to church, asked everyone to silence their phones) for what seemed like a long time before she caught it.  The shocker was when it rang AGAIN a few minutes later, and it took a really long time for her to switch it off.  Add to that the lady two pews up who was swigging her Poland Spring water out of the bottle during mass, and you’ve got Catholic Church!

Our latest episode was on the occasion of my niece’s First Communion, and everything was pretty boring until I saw a man coming back from communion holding his little dog . My brother-in-law didn’t bat an eyelash, so I asked him if he’d seen the dog.  He said he didn’t like to judge and maybe there was a good reason for it (funny guy).  I whispered to my husband about it, and he was shocked when he learned it wasn’t a seeing-eye dog or anything.  It was a miniature schnauzer or something, being carried like a baby.  Maybe the animal was sick and was there for religious counsel.  Maybe it is a seeing-eye dog, and you have to carry it up with you for the close-up work of getting that teensy wafer into your mouth without dropping it.  

Do the Jews have these kinds of problems???  On a related note, on the way to lunch at my sister-in-law’s house after the First Communion mass, we passed a woman with a cat in a baby stroller.  No baby, just a cat dressed up in a little pink outfit safely in the stroller.  Lots of lonely people down in their neck of the woods I guess!

Catholic Mass Changes to Stem Spread of Swine Flu

Last week, the Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Boston formally made changes to the way Catholics celebrate mass in order to reduce the likely spread of Swine Flu.  The 300,000 Catholics who attend mass each week saw the new rules in action starting on Sunday.  The Archdiocese :

“is recommending that parishes stop offering laypeople consecrated wine at Communion and also discourage laypeople from hugging, shaking hands, or otherwise having physical contact during the “sign of peace” at Mass.”

Further, the Church has issued instructions on how to sanitize holy water fonts on a regular basis and how to issue communion with minimal chance of infection. The Archdiocese has fielded numerous complaints about cessation of offering consecrated wine at mass.  Some of the feedback included sentiments such as:

“if God wants me to get Swine Flu, I’m gonna get it – wine or no wine!”

In response, the Church has offered the option of individual servings of consecrated wine.  The Church is offering ‘JesusJuice Boxes’ to parishes , to ensure the most sanitary method of offering  the Precious Blood to the faithful.  The boxes are the same type of paper-based container found in lunch boxes across America, except that these are two ounce servings of consecrated holy wine.  The boxes will not come with a straw, so the user will pull a foil tab in order to drink the wine.  One local priest noted that

“the chalice is the hot zone in every Catholic church, so the individual servings would come in really handy year-round.  Episcopalians really push the wine, so they would be wise to get on board with our new sanitary procedures.”

The new wine boxes will be available at many area parishes starting this Sunday.

Real Housewives of Middlesex County

After church on Sunday, I registered my children for religious education classes that start in the fall. I dutifully submitted my check, and did not volunteer for anything. The reigistration process encourages all parents to submit to a CORI (Criminal Offender Record Information) background check, you know, to keep the children safe. I told the worman that I had already been CORI’d for elementary school purposes, so I would pass (plus I didn’t have my driver’s license with me). She totally copped an attitude, telling me, “well, the schools do it every THREE years, but we do it EVERY year”. Ok – so you’re more observant than the schools? Right. First of all, my elementary school checks each year, and second, nobody’s worried about other parents, you donkey. How ’bout the creepy guy with no kids who attends all the kids’ activities???? Keep a tight lid on those parents, though.  Nice.