Memorial Day Weekend – It could kill you

Ahhhh – the long weekend that officially kicks off summer: you’re probably planning to play outdoors with the kids, have a BBQ, open your pool if you have one, and simply enjoy time without soccer or swim lessons. Or: you could read the news and see that your seemingly pedestrian plans will probably spell doom for you and your entire family:

Can your grill give you cancer?

But wait: marinated chicken won’t give you as much cancer!
Does you sunscreen really work?
Mosquitoes will make you sick for a long time!

Pollen and allergies make you suicidal!

Some mosquitoes don’t care about DEET!
For God’s sake, you didn’t get an inflatable pool, did you????

 Honoring those who lost their lives in valor in the safety of a hypoallergenic panic-room seems to be the best course. That other traditional stuff will kill you!

UPDATED: Don’t plan the BBQ just yet (BREAKING: Zoo animals may be euthanized, cooked to feed the homeless)

UPDATED:  Massachusetts legislators are going to ‘try and reinstate’ the zoo’s funding to stem the public uproar over this story.  They’ve been pressured into action by their own means (which usually means threatening the public with the ‘what about the children’ argument), using the ‘what about the cute fuzzy animals’ argument.  We’ll see if they actually come through on this one.

 

Boston – The Franklin Park Zoo, in the throes of intense budget shortfalls after Governor Patrick cut funding by over 60%, has announced that it may have to euthanize some animals (mostly the cutest furry ones) to contain costs. They assure taxpayers that they will hold massive bar-b-ques open to the public to feed the euthanized animals to those who need it most. The Governor has shot back at Zoo New England (which owns and operates both the Franklin Park and Stone Zoos), saying these are unfair, incendiary threats.  Zoo officials could not be reached for comment at this time.

Happy Father’s Day!

Do something nice for your Dad today – a survey shows that the preferred gesture is to grill up some meat products. This primal use of fire on raw meat says ‘I appreciate you’ to 98% of the respondents of the survey (2% chose veggie burgers). Steak, ribs, and hamburgers are the top three choices. Fire it up!

BBQ Diplomacy

Got some pesky dictatorship that wants to be a nuclear power in order to wipe another nation off the map?  Simple!  Invite the rogues to a Fourth of July BBQ!  The new and improved diplomacy team at Obamamart, with it’s trademarked ‘Smart Diplomacy’, has issued a directive to ‘invite Iranians to the festivities’ (don’t go out of your way to invite Israelis or British).  Generally, American embassies around the world hold celebrations of July 4th, and they’ve been authorized to invite the Iranians for a cookout.  Nothing says ‘we respect you and your quest for nuclear power’ like hot dogs and hamburgers, and maybe some potato salad.  Do they have watermelon in the Middle East?  It is a little known fact that during the summer of 1979, the American embassy in Tehran had a little cookout, and invited the locals to attend.  Since the Shah had been exiled since January of that year, and Iran had just voted to become an Islamic Republic, and approved a theocratic constitution, the embassy wanted to welcome the new Iranian leader, the Ayatollah Khomeini.  The experience didn’t so go well, with scantily clad female embassy employees serving hot dogs of questionable origins, spicy pork ribs, while drinking beer throughout the day.  We all know what happened in November of that year.  Maybe this time will be different!