Oscar Night Observations – 2010 Edition Part 1

Ok, so it’s the second year that I’ve sat through most of the Academy Awards, surrounded by funny ladies, girly food, and exotic beverages (called the “Jammies & Jewels” party). It’s a chance for us regular gals to pick apart the beautiful people, and talk about how fat/ugly/badly dressed they are.  It is cheaper than therapy. 

All in all, Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin were great; Hugh Jackman was hideous last year, but I didn’t once feel like vomiting during any of the Martin/Baldwin gags. An important note in these observations is that we watched the show in high-definition, and it spared no one. People do not look their best in HD. Even the beautiful ones. Here’s the rundown:

Robert Downey Jr’s bow tie looked very Disney, in color and size/shape. Sunglasses probably used to cover crack-induced bloodshot eyes.

Sarah Jessica Parker: I think the two ladies from the Reynold’s wrap commercial outfitted SJP this year. I bet she’ll stay fresh in fridge or freezer longer while wearing this dress. I think they’ve banned hairspray and hair brushes in California for environmental reasons, because her hair was bad on the carpet and even worse indoors. With all those vain people in one room, there’s not one mirror? PS:  please eat something.

Charlize Theron: now I shall call her ‘Rosebud’. How many dresses do hot numbers like Charlize get to choose from? And this was the winner? What did the “not good enough for the Oscars” dresses look like? Bad choice.

Who were Morgan Freeman’s posse? They were a hot mess. I have to review what was said about the jewelry (is he selling it?), since the tv volume was down low at that point.

George Clooney, now nicknamed “fluffy” - how about a hair cut and some product?

Hillary Swank - I saw pictures of her in the paper this morning (not during the broadcast), and whoah. She always looks really wrong in almost anything she wears. Again, this is the one that looked best on you?

Miley Cyrus:  posture?  She looked to be in pain the entire time.  Maybe something with straps won’t make you so uncomfortable next time. She had no clue who John Hughes was (“was I born yet?”)

Helen Mirren:  HD is not your friend.  Your plastic surgeon is also not your friend.  Your face lift stops at they eyes and the rest of your face is doing all the aging and wrinkling. 

Sandra Bullock: dress looked bad on the carpet (much like EVERYONE’S lipstick), but much better indoors and on stage.

Was there a hairstylist union strike? Continued

The funny part about the party I attended, was that only one of us had seen ONE of the films nominated for best picture, so we were kind of clueless aside from the basics of the nominees, etc. But when Jennifer Anniston and Jack Black started talking about the animated films, well let me tell you: we had lots to talk about. Sadly, we had seen each nominee, and had an OPINION about them. That’s the Real Housewives of Middlesex County! We thought Kung Fu Panda should have won over the fatalistic, dark, heavy-handed enviro ‘Wall-E’. Anyway, more thoughts:

Sarah Jessica Parker’s breasts were scaring me; I thought they might leap out at any moment (fyi: her dress came courtesy of the Disney Princess wardrobe department).  Matthew Broderick looked terrible, and maybe he should start using some Garnier coloring.

Matthew Broderick looked so bloated and crappy, that some of us gave him the benefit of the doubt and said “I hope he’s preparing for a role”.  Nice – regular people don’t get that benefit.  Next time somebody gives me any grief about how I look/dress/act, I’m going to be aloof,  saying I’m preparing for a role:  forty year-old mother of two in the frickin’ wilderness.  Anyway, to continue:

You totally knew that the French-titled animated short film would win, but I felt rooked when the director was this Japanese guy who accepted the award.  I call shenanigans!  That’s the secret to success, make your title French, and it seems more like art than a cartoon (Les Maison en Petits Cubes = House of Blocks).

Ryan Seacrest is just patently boring.

OK, OK, Meryl Streep looked really good, too.  Yes, her hair also.  Still, it’s a very low percentage of good hair.

Jennifer Anniston looked great, but bad hair.  Poor Jenny – 40 and no hubby, no baby, dating John Mayer, having to sit two rows away from Brangelina.

Body language on Brangelina on the red carpet was DEADLY.  Angelina looked like she wanted to eviscerate Brad, and I was afraid for his safety.  She had a pretty fake smile during the whole show, too.  Must have had a spat in the limo on the way (“no, honey, I really think the next child should be from a Muslim country, for balance”, “Angie, can we talk about another kid later, we’re gonna be late”, “Listen, pretty boy – I’ll tell you when we’re gonna talk about it….”).

I drove home during the show, and picked up with Hugh Jackman singing with Beyonce and the High School Musical kids.  Sigh.

The gals I was with were miffed that those High School Musical brats were on the premises.  Can’t the grownups get ONE night off without seeing or hearing them?  Hannah Montana?? ARRRRRGGGGH.

One of the trends in gowns last night was the one bare shoulder look.  I’m going to adopt this, as I will have only one arm/shoulder to keep toned and in shape, while the other can be disguised otherwise in the garment.  I’ll save a lot of time only doing half the exercises I might otherwise have to do.  Gotta keep track of which is the “good arm” while shopping, though.

Finally, I’m a big fan of The Queen (Latifah, not Elizabeth), and she was hot – didn’t love her dress, but her performance was really good.  Thankfully for all, Hugh Jackman didn’t have to participate.

Was the hairstylist union on strike????

In all my forty years, I’ve never sat down to watch either the Academy Awards show, or the two-hour red carpet pre-game festivities.  I went to an Oscars party where we drank girly martinis, ate tons of fondue, and were generally brutal toward the beautiful people of the evening.  Some thoughts:

Was there a haristylist strike in California?  With the exception of Kate Winslet, hair was really bad.  It was as if they let me take a whack at coiffing the glamor gals.

The opening musical number was hideous. It reminded me of high school musical.  Not THE High School Musical, but just an ordinary, run of the mill high school musical.  It was what would happen if they let the Little Rascals put on the show.  Hugh Jackman said he’d sing and dance, and be drunk or naked if he had to for the show.  He chose his options poorly.  He has great hair, though.

Ben Stiller making fun of Joaquin Phoenix was really great – Natalie Portman (good hair, bad dress) was good as his straight-man (though the term ‘Hasidic meth lab’ is now in the lexicon).

All the intros for the acting categories by former winners was really cheesy.  They did have some big names, but who wrote that stuff????

Adrian Brody looked like someone who lives under a  bridge.  Mickey Rourke looked the way he always looks.  Big difference.

Sophia Loren (who went to high school with John McCain) looks great for her age, but they sprayed on the tan a little carelessly last night.  She sure struck a pose on stage, huh?  I liked the way she said ‘Meryl Streep’: Merrrril Estrreeep.

When crazy 74-year-old Shirley MacClaine upstages you in the fashion department, you’re in a world of hurt.  Take note Whoopi.  Though I disagree with Shirley’s encouragement of Anne Hathaway’s singing.  Please. Don’t.  Look at Jackman’s career swirling away.

More later – I’ve got to get my Kindergartener of the bus.