Magic/Bird on Broadway. Really?

So your wife is bugging you to take her into the city to see a show, and you would rather have a double root canal with no Novocaine, right? Well here’s a solution: a Broadway play centered around the lives of two of the greatest players in NBA history: Magic Johnson and Larry Bird. Your wife may have no idea who these guys were, but YOU sure do. The same way “Lombardi” got guys into the theater, Magic/Bird will put heterosexual male asses in theater seats as well. Your wife is gonna think it is “Magic Bird”, kind of Circ du Soleil creepy, yet artsy thing. Boy is she going to be surprised when they talk about basketball for 90 minutes, with vintage game footage playing on stage much of the time. But wait – the headline name in the production is Peter Scolari, you know, they guy who was with Tom Hanks on Bosom Buddies? That has to count for something! He plays Red Auerbach, and a couple of other guys. Sweep your wife off her feet by surprising her with Broadway tickets – make it a nice surprise – she will let you choose where you will dine out because you are such a good sport and such a wonderful guy to take her to a show, even when she knows that’s not really your thing.  The jig will be up once she enters the theater decorated to look like a sports bar, so it will behoove you to dine out BEFORE the show!

Disclaimer:  The Cranky Mommy is a huge sports fan (go Celtics!), yet even I think this is an absurd theater production. The sexist themes used in this post are for entertainment purposes only.  ‘Cause they are funny and often true.

Best. Halftime. Show. Ever

Forgive me while I catch up on a few items:  Despite a monumentally disappointing Patriots loss in Super Bowl XLVI, I would have to say that 53 year-old Madonna put on the best halftime show ever. Ever. She proved that she’s the best of the geezer-stars (remember the Who last year? Prince? Springsteen? Petty? Rolling Stones?). Sure, Madge seemed a little stiff on the dance numbers, but she was playing hurt, and that MUST count for something on Super Bowl Sunday (right, Gronk?). I admit that I’m a Madonna fan, so I am predisposed to enjoy her stuff, but as a fan, I understand that there is a risk of inappropriate material, bad language, etc.  I mean, we’re talking Madonna here – she has made a coupla bucks being provocative in the past. I enjoyed the show, which was epic in the Cecile B. DeMille kind of way, from the dramatic entrance to the costume changes, to the dance numbers, to the co-star cameos.   There she was, the Queen of Pop (take note, Gaga), being pulled by muscular, sandal-wearing, bronze and leopard skin armor-clad, Roman soldiers! My boys were PSYCHED to see Roman soldiers at the Super Bowl! There were no “extras” on the stage – only a group of trained dancers who obviously rehearsed a lot. We are a long way from “Up with People” who were always on at halftime when I was a kid.  She should do the show every year.  Oh, and as far as whole middle finger brouhaha, I did not notice it during the live show, and think it was blown way out of proportion.  And I’m a Cranky Mommy.

Happiness is…

…hitting a bucket of balls for the first time in 9 years, blisters be damned!

Sports Journalism Officially Dead

This is a screen shot of Sports Illustrated’s website today.  I circled the headline in question, and well, “Tiger Sad”?  I smell a Pulitzer!

UPDATED: High Ratings 1st Sign of the Apocalypse ::::Tonight on ESPN: A very special episode of the Lebron James Saga

UPDATED:  Sadly, the ratings results are in, and we’ve surely seen the first sign of the apocalypse.  According to MediaDailyNews:

ESPN said James program “The Decision,” that announced he is leaving the Cleveland Cavaliers, his longtime team, for the Miami Heat pulled a Nielsen preliminary 7.3 household rating, the best non-NFL programming rated show this year.

Fifteen minutes into the broadcast — between 9:15 and 9:30 p.m., when James made his announcement — the ratings climb to a 9.6 rating.

The news easily topped other single interview sports programming specials — higher than the 0.4 household rating for a Tiger Woods interview on March 21, 2010, and an Alex Rodriguez interview Feb. 9, 2009, which took a 0.9 rating.

Tonight, self-proclaimed “King” Lebron James will announce his decision as to which team he will grace with his presence next season (for a kajillion dollars, or so). The pundits, for what it’s worth, have been blathering on and on about this since before the King’s men were ousted from the playoffs by the Boston Celtics.  There are some real divas in professional sports, but this ESPN “special” really takes the cake. How do you suppose this one hour show will go? Lebron announces where he’s going in the first five minutes of the show, then interview follows? Nope. I’m guessing for an American Idol-type finale, where ESPN totally lames out and does a retrospective on James in excruciating detail, with lots of spiffy footage of slam dunks, “rare” photos from his childhood, etc. At about 9:45pm, the “big announcement” will be made and Stewart Scott will be the “first interview after the decision is made”. Wow, I’ve GOT to tune in! I’ve got to make sure I watch so that when someone asks, “where were you when Lebron James announced his decision?”, I can honestly say “I was totally watching it live, I remember it like it was yesterday!  It’s not like: “where were you when JFK was shot?  Where were you when the space shuttle blew up?  Where were you on 9/11? I’m not sure which is more pathetic: the diva and his egomaniacal need to be the center of attention, or the sports media, pandering to and enabling this behavior. Apparently the TV special dubbed “The Decision” will generate some money for charity, because James is so committed to the community and children, and his decision has generated “a lot of buzz”.  I can’t wait to see the ratings on this steaming pile of self-aggrandizing tripe.  Here are ten other things you could watch at 9pm tonight (check your local listings):

1. Rookie Blue (new on ABC): The police department throws a “Fite Nite” charity event (the literacy event was cancelled).  This is a close call, because this show sounds pretty bad. I gave it top billing because it’s new.

2. CSI: Crime Scene Investigation (CBS) it’s a repeat, but I’m sure you could work with it – it’s the “Dr. Jekyll serial killer” episode.

3. So you think you can Dance (FOX) Live! Way more action than ESPN

4. Antiques Roadshow (PBS) Repeat from Salt Lake City - seriously, still better than ESPN

5. Perro Amor (Telemundo) that’s “Puppy Love” in english.  I don’t understand the whole description, but the words “grave conflict” are definitely in there. Is this the one Eric Estrada is in?

6. Jersey Shore (MTV) Repeat: the crew goes to Atlantic City, one of them has an eating disorder (but no other issues at all).

7. Police Women of Memphis (TLC) New! follow the Memphis police gals…”Arica goes beyond the call of duty by retrieving a detainee’s gold teeth for him“. Lebron doesn’t even have gold teeth!!!

8. Break it Down (National Geographic Channel) The USS Savannah is dismantled at a scrap yard after more than 20 years of carrying fuel for the Navy’s fleet. What’s not to like?

9. I Didn’t know I was Pregnant (Discovery Health) Repeat: Baby on a Boat – a woman at sea gives birth.  How did the TV crews know to be there?  Slightly less planned out and dramatic than “The Decision”.

10. The Universe (History Channel) Light speed is examined. I’m a nerd, so this is fine, too.

Personally, I’d rather watch Paul the Octopus pick the winner of the World Cup – Paul is 100% accurate so far on his picks in relation to the German national team.  I’m hoping his keepers at the Sea Life Aquarium in Oberhausen, Germany drop down those crazy boxes again with flags of the Netherlands and Spain on them (I’m sure they won’t drop down boxes showing Cavaliers, Bulls, Heat, Knicks, or Nets symbols).  My kids love Paul, and were rooting heavily for the Spanish in yesterday’s game, to give Paul more credibility.  Here he is choosing Spain (which is infinitely more interesting than Lebron James). RESPECT THE CEPHALOPOD!  Naturally, PETA is calling for Paul’s immediate release.

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Cameroon Eliminated from World Cup

After a loss to Denmark, Cameroon becomes the first team eliminated from the World Cup. Since you never read about Cameroon in the news, I can’t help but think of Trading Places when I hear “Cameroon”:

This is why we’re not a “Soccer Nation”

The two opening games of the World Cup ended in ties in South Africa. TIES. As Americans, we don’t like our sporting events to end in TIES, because, what’s the point? This isn’t second grade soccer where we supposedly don’t keep score, it’s professional, World Cup soccer. We want sudden-death. We want overtime. We want shootouts. Basically, we want closure, especially after investing countless hours on our sporting events.  Any sport where the clock counts UP is probably not going to hit it big.  How do you win “at the buzzer” in soccer?  Who the heck even knows when halftime will be; it’s around 45 minutes in, but sometimes its 47 or 48.  How can you plan?   It takes even more talent to be a sports writer covering these matches.  For example:

Domenech threw Chelsea’s Florent Malouda on for the disappointing Gourcuff but still they were devoid of cutting edge. Lodeiro’s hapless cameo was ended abruptly in the 81st minute when he was carded again for a late and high challenge on Bacary Sagna.

Domenech’s last throw of the dice was to throw on Andre Pierre Gignac for Govou with five minutes left but even his predatory instincts were insufficient and French appeals for a penalty were dismissed when Henry’s stab towards goal seemed to hit Victorino’s lower arm in the 89th minute.

Devoid of cutting edge?  Hapless cameo? In the 81st minute? Predatory instincts? 89th minute?  Does reading about the game make you kick yourself for missing it?  There’s no doubt that the World Cup players are superior athletes, but I’ll just stick to the highlight tape on SportsCenter, thank you very much.

NBA Fines President Obama $150K for Lebron Comments

Citing anti-tampering rules, the NBA and Commissioner David Stern have assessed a fine of $150,000 to President Barack Obama. Commissioner Stern determined that a fine was in order after reviewing the President’s interview with TNT’s Marv “The Back-Biter” Albert. When asked about the future of Lebron James, the President responded “You know, like I said, I don’t want to meddle. I will say this: Rose, Noah, it’s a pretty good core. You know, you could see Lebron fitting in pretty well there”.

The Commissioner recently fined Dallas Maverick’s owner Mark Cuban ($100,000), and Phoenix Sun’s President Steve Kerr ($10,000) for similar comments,again citing the tampering rules.  Commissioner Stern was almost apologetic in assessing the fine, because “Now everybody knows that, like the Olympics, Lebron won’t EVER go to Chicago; the President has jinxed it for them.  It’s a shame to assess the fine when absolutely nothing will come of it.”  White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs would not field questions about the fine.

If it’s raining, it must be Wednesday…

…and my son has soccer practice. It seems like it rains every time he plays, and the league coordinator is very amused by parents wondering if practice or games will be canceled due to the rain. The Scottish chap laughs at us and responds:

“En Scotlin’ ef we dinnuh play soccuh in the rain, we’d not play a’tall.”

Translation:  In Scotland, if we did not play soccer in the rain, we would not play at all.

Despicable Tim Tebow Ad

Football fans across America were infuriated by the in-your-face, graphic, preachy, bible-thumping, fire and brimstone ad featuring Heisman Trophy winner Tim Tebow and his mother, Pam.  “I mean, it was so explicit and shameful” complained one viewer. “I didn’t know what to say to my kids”, opined another. Parents across the country report that they had many difficult conversations after the commercial (it was aired twice, one with Timmy tackling his Mom.  Freaking Neanderthal.)

Doubtless, this only added to the tough questions that parents had to deal with during the game resulting from viewing other commercials:

Why is the beaver in a hot tub with a pretty lady?

What’s a bachelor party?

What is GoDaddy!, anyway? They are pretty girls, though.

Why would grown-ups let themselves get run over by a beer truck?

If he’s blind, why are we laughing at him?

Whoah! They just tackled that old lady!

Can I have a Bud Light?

She’s a racecar driver?!?!?

Why is Meagan Fox’s bathtub picture causing so much trouble?

Can a Dorito really be used as a weapon?

Why are there so many beer commercials?

What’s a “milkaholic”?

Why are so many men in the commercials only wearing their underwear?

Why did the government spend $2.5 milllion on that census ad?

Trust me, nobody even noticed the Tebow commercial.  My children have been busting out laughing about Punxsutawney Polamalu for a few days now, striking a pose, saying “Six more weeks of football”.  Nice try getting everyone all revved up about this extremely subtle and inoffensive ad.  If you want to be offended, you can always find a way, and I think there are a lot of people out there that are disappointed that they weren’t offended.  Most of us didn’t give it a second thought, simply hoping we didn’t catch a Viagra ad with the kids in the room.  Get over it.