Real Housewives of Dubai – New Episode!

On this week’s episode: Faruka and Nahzir attend a women’s career fair and are arrested when they attempt to drive home;  Ameerah snitches to authorities on lingerie store that still employs a man; Arafia unsure if her gynecologist should have been allowed to see her “sensitive” parts.

Local shortages of Baking Soda, Vinegar, Suggest Science Fair Season

It is Science Fair season in our affluent suburb, and it seems like only yesterday I was shouting at my children to focus and finish their projects only hours before last year’s fair was to begin. Each year, the children decide at the last minute that they would like to participate in the fair, but they can’t come up with anything cool that they can do in the next 10 days (last year’s mummified chicken wasn’t done the night before the fair!).  Then they talk with their friends about doing a project together. Yay!  Then the other parent calls you, being kinda pushy about it, and declaring how her child only has two hours available to do the fair, so are they on or what? We have to figure out if we have to get a poster board!  Huh?  Can’t we just teach the children a lesson in planning ahead, and say “you know what, you kids won’t have enough time to get together to do your best work on this, so we can either do something individually, or just not do it this year”.  I hate to be a downer, but slamming something crappy together seems worse than not participating, right? Children at this age haven’t learned the hideous nature of group projects.  To them, the group project is simply an opportunity to play and horse around, and take part in the mayhem that is the Science Fair. So now we are on the hook for a group project.  The fair is in six days, and the team has spent 40 minutes working on their idea (cue the blank stare as to what there is still left to do).  It is no wonder that the frazzled, baking-soda dappled parents look really fatigued on the night of the fair.  I reckon the PTO would make a boatload of money replacing the bake sale with a cash bar.

BREAKING: Suburban woman won’t use Koran to steady wobbly kitchen table

BREAKING:  Suburban housewife Adelle Matheson has reportedly canceled her plans to use a copy of the Koran to put under the leg of her wobbly kitchen table.  Her affluent neighborhood had been on pins and needles, fearing the repercussions of such a wanton act, and can now breathe a collective sigh of relief.  News crews did not even appear at Mrs. Matheson’s home, but the buzz in her neighborhood and town put everyone on edge.  “It’s just reckless” said an unidentified neighbor.  “Doesn’t she care about the children?” asked another neighbor, not wishing to be identified.  Mrs. Matheson now fears that she was misunderstood, and that a comment she made in passing to one of her neighbors was really overblown.  “I don’t even have a copy of the Koran in my possession!” In a show of good faith to her neighbors, Mrs. Matheson has discarded the wobbly table and replaced it with a brand new one, although nobody has seen her copy of the holy book at the center of this controversy.

Real Housewives of Middlesex County

The last few weeks have been so busy for the Housewives:

The annual Science Fair is great, because the stench of vinegar is so strong, it’s like being at an abandoned winery, or a salad dressing factory. Nobody doesn’t like the baking soda volcanoes! It was a big event, made bigger by the best project ever: a mummified chicken.  Awesome! It took the kid over two months to do; that’s planning ahead.  I haven’t heard a peep about the little first-grader’s experiment “What kind of nuts do Squirrels Like Best?”.  Her presentation was complete with samples of many kinds of nuts, including actual peanuts, crushed up to show how she put them out for the squirrels (along with a variety of other evil nuts).  The sign-up form was clear that students were to use only household chemicals, and no live animals.  I’ll be you a dollar that ”use of peanuts” will be restricted on next year’s form!

Library duty for the housewives has been uneventful, until yesterday when one fifth-grader informed me that she didn’t have her book because “the cleaning lady put it somewhere that I can’t find it”.  Ahhhh, the cleaning lady did it.  Usually the kids blame the Mom or siblings (we never ask if you forgot your book, it’s completely unsolicited information), but the cleaning lady did it.  This girl told me twice.  I told her I heard her the first time.

Preparations for Mexican Fiesta day are under way, and we are all assigned to one of the many authentic Mexican foods that the children will be enjoying:  7 Layer Dip (it’s a little-known fact that the Maya invented this right after they created their extremely accurate solar calendar), Mexican fruit salad, Mexican brownies, flan, etc.  Basically, it’s stuff that these 8-year-olds won’t eat.  We were reminded of the importance of following the recipes EXACTLY, due to the number of food allergies prevalent in school.  We were also cautioned about food preparation areas in our homes, to ensure no cross-contamination.  Oy vey.  As for attire, the children were given some guidelines as to what traditional clothing for a big party would be, and organizers want us to be “authentic without being stereotypic”.  I guess sombreros and serapes are okay, but pulling up in my low-rider and honking my “la cucaracha” musical horn is out of the question. I can’t wait for Japan Day!

Real Housewives of Middlesex County

Well, now that the kids are back to school after Christmas break, it’s time to get back to my very important responsibilities for the parent teach organization and the school library.

I do the banking for my school’s PTO, and if I did not have these responsibilities, I probably wouldn’t set foot in an actual brick and mortar bank, right? These guys are brutal – when are you going to get an account? Where is your money now? and so on EVERY TIME I GO – I mean, it’s kind of a running joke, but it’s getting really tiresome. This has been going on since September, but this week, it seems that some regional people were visiting the local branch, and there were literally TEN employees in the bank. I was the only customer.  I was the only customer all during my transaction (37 checks for $3.00 apiece). I told the honchos that the service was great, and then the honcho started in on where do you bank?, etc. I told him (in an apologetic tone) that  it’s really hard to get all excited about banking, and that but for my little volunteer job, I’d have no reason to even set foot in a bank.  Sigh. I didn’t want to rip into him about bailouts, 0% on savings, etc.  That wouldn’t have been polite. There are used car salesmen that have a lighter touch than these guys. Good grief.

Library duty this week was a little more interesting than usual: I had to break up a shoving match between two boys trying to get the same book about the Titanic (elementary school boys love death, destruction, and natural disasters). I took the book, scolded them in my best disappointed librarian voice, and told them nobody could get it this week. Maybe they could try again next time, if they could behave. One of the kindergarteners asked for a book about vampires or skeletons, and I found an early reader chapter book for him “Vampires Don’t Play Piano” or something silly like that.  He came back a few minutes later, having rejected the book, saying “it’s not good for my soul”. No kidding.  How about a book about dinosaurs?

Finally, Cranky Son #2 shared his library experience, and said he had a question for me. (I don’t volunteer when my kids have library, I like to be under the radar at school, kind of like a ninja). He said at the library there’s a book called “Yes We Can”, and it has a picture of President Obama on it, but what?  Yes we can…what?  “I guess I don’t understand”.  I took the high road and said it was a slogan, but that I also didn’t know the “what” part of the equation either.

Real Housewives of Middlesex County

So the Feds arrested a suspected terrorist in my town last week – great!  I usually joke about how the newspaper wouldn’t cover a meth lab in an elementary school because of the bad press, but this time the helicopters, satellite trucks and dozens and dozens of law enforcement vehicles made the arrest impossible to ignore.  Seems this guy is just a 27-year old peace-loving, proud graduate of our local high school who still lives at home with his parents.  Sure, he went to Yemen with another guy who, it turns out, was looking for al Queda training camps, so what? So he may have wanted to shoot up the Natick Mall -probably just an exaggeration.  Oi vey. 

The funny part about the story is that when we moved to our upscale suburb (we’re no longer affluent in the media, we’re upscale), our second-choice house was on the very street where this guy lives.  Yup. We would have been neighbors for crying out loud.  I would have been the wing nut that would tell the media “he kind of kept to himself, but I always thought something funny was going on over there”.  

I guess if he’s convicted, he’ll be sent to live with the Gitmo detainees in Amherst.  No harm done, really.

Real Housewives of Middlesex County

Today I stopped in at the annual Fall Book Fair at our elementary school, and came across this ill-timed title from Mo Willems:

 

I acted all disgusted and asked if this was some kind of sick joke – thankfully (for the first time in my entire life) everyone knew I was joking.  I bought every copy they had.  Then I visited to school nurse to let her know about the panic-based literature to which we were exposing our children (she also knew I was joking).

Real Housewives of Middlesex County

Today the handsome, Latin septic system man came to service my tank. I venture to guess that the septic guy doesn’t get propositioned the way the UPS man might (in television and movies).  He was three hours early, and my son was home sick from school and could not stop ranting about the smell. Just another glamorous day in the affluent suburbs.

Real Housewives of Middlesex County

After church on Sunday, I registered my children for religious education classes that start in the fall. I dutifully submitted my check, and did not volunteer for anything. The reigistration process encourages all parents to submit to a CORI (Criminal Offender Record Information) background check, you know, to keep the children safe. I told the worman that I had already been CORI’d for elementary school purposes, so I would pass (plus I didn’t have my driver’s license with me). She totally copped an attitude, telling me, “well, the schools do it every THREE years, but we do it EVERY year”. Ok – so you’re more observant than the schools? Right. First of all, my elementary school checks each year, and second, nobody’s worried about other parents, you donkey. How ’bout the creepy guy with no kids who attends all the kids’ activities???? Keep a tight lid on those parents, though.  Nice.

Real Housewives…cont’d

I just remembered an odd thing from the elementary school library:   I don’t know any of the kids’ names, so I ask for their last name when they check out their books.  This one girl says “Fogerty” and so I started the chekcout process, and she starts smalltalk with “Fogerty means destroyer of all, or something like that in Irish”.  “Oh,” I said, “I didn’t know that”.  “That must explain why my whole family likes to crush things”  she continued, ”and the video games; and the guns.  My brother once ate a chipmunk.”  I asked her if it was cooked or raw.  She didn’t really know.  I advised her to seek professional help. Should I notify the authorities or anything?