Finance Wizards in the Senate Vote to Throw $11B to Post Office

The whiz-bang financial analysts of the United States Senate approved a measure that would give the Postal Service $11B (that’s Billion with a “B”), freeze most facilities closings that were planned to reduce costs, along with implementation of 5-day delivery. For the first time ever, I have to side with the Postmaster General on this issue:

“It is totally inappropriate in these economic times to keep unneeded facilities open. There is simply not enough mail in our system today,” the Postal Service’s board of governors said in a statement. “It is also inappropriate to delay the implementation of five-day delivery.”

This is coming from the guy who’s captain of the sinking ship, and throwing a life-preserver isn’t going to help this vessel - plugging holes and bailing is a better course. In fact, the Senate bill explicitly prohibits the USPS from making most of its cost-cutting measures for YEARS to come:

The Senate bill would halt the immediate closing of up to 252 mail-processing centers and 3,700 post offices, part of a postal cost-cutting plan to save some $6.5 billion a year. Donahoe previously said he would begin making cuts after May 15 if Congress didn’t act, warning that the agency could run out of money this fall.

The measure would save about half the mail processing centers the Postal Service wants to close, from 252 to 125, allowing more areas to maintain overnight first-class mail delivery for at least three more years. It also would bar any shutdowns before the November elections, protect rural post offices for at least a year, give affected communities new avenues to appeal closing decisions and forbid cuts to Saturday delivery for two years.

Got that?  The Senate wants to spend $11B this year to prevent the USPS from saving at least $6.5B every year, and start paring down its operation.  Since the Post Office is a creation of the Legislature, they require its authority to do anything, even save money.  Where the hell does this $11B come from, anyway?  The USPS reminds us on its website that

The Postal Service receives NO tax dollars for operating expenses and relies on the sale of postage, products and services to fund its operations. We are required by law to cover our costs.

Unless Congress says so. I smell election-year hijinks and 500,000 solid Democratic votes.  There are a nice bunch of Postal employees in swing states  according to workforce size by state listings. California, New York, and Texas are the states with the largest postal workforce, but filling in behind is : #4 Florida: 32,000, #6 Pennsylvania 27,600, #7 Ohio: 22,300, : #10 North Carolina 15,200 ,and  #12: Virginia 15,300. Interesting. It remains to be seen what the House of Representatives does with this next.

This is news?

From the “Well, duh!” department:

New York University arts professor Wafaa Bilal, who recently implanted a camera in the back of his head, underwent surgery on Friday after his body rejected one of the titanium posts anchoring the device to his skull. (Feb. 10)

I guess because it was “news” when the guy had the camera implanted, it stands to reason that it would be “news” when it didn’t work out so well. Did he even think of just strapping a camera around his head in lieu of dangerous cranial surgery? Oh yeah, I forgot that there is no art without pain.

BREAKING: TSA to offer Pap Test in addition to Mammograms during Security Check

Washington: Department of Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano today announced a new program that will enable female commercial flyers to receive a Pap Smear in addition to the Mammogram they already receive as a part of new airport security measures implemented by the Transportation Safety Administration. Secretary Napolitano noted that “this is only a baby step for cross-agency cooperation for the betterment of our country’s health and security.  It’s a grand day for women’s health in America!”.  Secretary Napolitano was unsure if the new health measures would be in place for the Thanksgiving travel period, typically the busiest travel period of the year in America.

The Papanicolaou Test (“Pap” for short) is an internal exam that collects cells from a woman’s cervix with a special tool, and enables doctors to evaluate pre-cancerous or cancerous conditions.  The Mammogram, of course, is an  external testbreast designed to identify potential pre-cancerous irregularities.

Although many details have yet to be worked out (co-payments, medical records, inaccurate results), Vice President Joe Biden gave the new program an enthusiastic response while visiting a stimulus-funded new sidewalk in a vacant Detroit neighborhood. He said “Whoah, that’s great – we’re combining health care with security, wow, that’s a big f@*%ing deal! ” When Biden was asked if he would want his family to be subjected to the newly enhanced security/health procedures, he replied “Hell, no – I don’t even want my family to get that Swine Flu vaccine. I’ll stick to taking the train, thank you very much!”

BREAKING: Racist Tea-Party Palin Supporters Bounce Brandy from ‘Dancing’

This week’s episode of ABC’s Dancing With the Stars saw Brandy, a strong favorite, voted out, while Bristol Palin advanced to the next round.  ABC executives are scrambling to explain what some critics call “voter irregularities”, while others are howling charges of racism at the voting viewers and ABC.  An unconfirmed reported says that Brandy has a team of lawyers looking into the voting results, and that they may demand a recount.  Details to follow as they become available.

BREAKING: Suburban woman won’t use Koran to steady wobbly kitchen table

BREAKING:  Suburban housewife Adelle Matheson has reportedly canceled her plans to use a copy of the Koran to put under the leg of her wobbly kitchen table.  Her affluent neighborhood had been on pins and needles, fearing the repercussions of such a wanton act, and can now breathe a collective sigh of relief.  News crews did not even appear at Mrs. Matheson’s home, but the buzz in her neighborhood and town put everyone on edge.  “It’s just reckless” said an unidentified neighbor.  “Doesn’t she care about the children?” asked another neighbor, not wishing to be identified.  Mrs. Matheson now fears that she was misunderstood, and that a comment she made in passing to one of her neighbors was really overblown.  “I don’t even have a copy of the Koran in my possession!” In a show of good faith to her neighbors, Mrs. Matheson has discarded the wobbly table and replaced it with a brand new one, although nobody has seen her copy of the holy book at the center of this controversy.

Lifetime Taps BBC’s Mitchell for Kagan Bio-Pic

One of the BBC’s most well know comedians has been signed by Lifetime Television to star in their upcoming biographical movie of Supreme Court nominee, Elena Kagan. Although Kagan has not yet been confirmed (though confirmation is widely expected), Lifetime executives have inked a deal with Mr. Mitchell to star in the network’s original feature.    American audiences will recognize Mr. Mitchell from the BBC and his wildly successful sketch comedy shows “That Mitchell and Webb Look“, and “Peep Show“, a partnership with longtime colleague Robert Webb. Mitchell allegedly signed the deal to “get his bloody foot in the door for some serious acting”. Mitchell, 36, has been performing since primary school, and became even more passionate about it while at Peterhouse, Cambridge, where he became president of their famous “Cambridge Footlights” performance group.  Mr. Mitchell has also had several cameos and small roles on BBC programs, in addition to his successful comedic work with partner Robert Webb.   

Lifetime executives had been shopping around two draft screenplays, when a low-level staffer happened upon Mitchell on BBC America. Mr. Mitchell, no stranger to dressing in drag for his comedic craft, jumped at the chance to play Kagan on the made-for-cable movie. “Well it won’t be much of a visual stretch, now will it?” suggested Mr. Mitchell, “I’ve got to really show my stuff to be taken seriously, and the viewers won’t be distracted by clumsy makeup and wardrobe.  I’ll still look like me in a wig, but I’ll be acting like Ms. Kagan.”   

 Lifetime executives were asked if they thought their viewers, and Ms. Kagan, would be offended if the lead role in the movie were given to a man.  Lifetime is, after all, a network “for women”, telling the story of a hard-working, intelligent woman, going boldly into a male-dominated field.  These executives told us that “Lifetime network viewers are among the most sensitive, open-minded, and fair people in our country.  They’ll support the best actor for the role, and will be empowered by the fact that they will be part of this courageous, ground-breaking decision.  We also think that Ms. Kagan will be thrilled with the end product.” 

 Lifetime expects the feature to begin production at the end of the summer, with a broadcast date slated in the December time frame.  The network anticipates signing Valerie Bertinelli for the role of Ms. Kagan’s best friend during law school, and is reportedly working with author Norah Roberts on the screenplay. Working titles include “Confirming Elena”, “My Lips are Sealed: The Elena Kagan Story”, and “That’s no Man, That’s Elena Kagan!”.

Did Hayward go to Harvard, too???

Some Moms really CAN do it all…

…and she probably cleaned the bus after she stopped it.  It’s not quite like the movie “Speed”, but I don’t know many moms who would have done this:

Local mom stops runaway bus

“What-chu talkin’ bout, Willis?”

Gary Coleman, 42, child star of ‘Diff’rent Strokes’ died yesterday after being removed from life support in a hospital in Provo, Utah.  Although it seems that he turned out better than his child co-stars (Dana Plato, suicide; Todd Bridges, tried and acquitted of attempted murder), Mr. Coleman still had his share of issues: ongoing health problems associated with kidney disease, repeated interaction with law enforcement, financial problems, several attempted suicide attempts, and estrangement from his immediate family.

What strikes me as most intriguing about this story, however, is how quickly his wife “pulled the plug” on Mr. Coleman after he slipped into  a coma.  According to news accounts: Mr. Coleman suffered a brain hemorrhage at his home Wednesday evening (some reports say he “fell”).  By the account of his manager, John Alcantar, Mr. Coleman was “conscious and lucid” Thursday morning, and he apparently slipped into a coma that afternoon.  News accounts further report that he was removed from life support at 12:05pm on Friday.  So hold on a minute: he supposedly fell in his home, suffered a hemorrhage, slipped into a coma and was unplugged in less than 36 hours?  Can that be right?

I imagine a team of doctors striding into Mr. Coleman’s hospital room as he lay in a coma, attempting to update Mr. Coleman’s wife, Shannon Prince:

As the doctor is looking up from his charts, he says,

“Mrs. Coleman, I’ve been reviewing your husband’s test results, and although he’s only been here a few hours, I think our best course of action is to …are you unplugging that machine?  Wait a minute..”. 

“I know you’ve tried everything, but Gary said he didn’t want to suffer, and didn’t want to live this way…”. 

“Ma’am, we’ve hardly tried anything yet, and he’s only been here around 8 hours, I think we should finish our evaluation -”. 

“..for not even a minute.  I’ve been praying for a miracle that never happened! And, and, and he said he never wanted to be a burden”. 

“A burden??? You haven’t even been here long enough to start paying for parking for God’s sake”. 

“Yes, a burden – I’m a busy, vibrant woman, and I’ve got an appointment with my personal trainer in 45 minutes.”

“Oh, well why didn’t you say so?  We could have skipped the whole silly evaluation. Carry on, then.”

NOTE: The United States House of Representatives honored Mr. Coleman during yesterday’s session.  The venerable Rep. Diane Watson eloquently delivers a brief comment.  She notes that he was “small in statue“.  This Congress is on top of the latest breaking news!

UPDATE: Britain’s Daily Mail has a story about Mr. Coleman’s ”wife’s heart-breaking decision to turn off life support machine“.  Ummmm.

BREAKING: New Element Discovered

A major research institution has just announced the discovery of the densest element yet known to science.  The new element has been named Pelosium.  Pelosium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 311.

These particles are held together by dark forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

The symbol of Pelosium is PU.

Pelosium’s mass actually increases over time, as morons randomly interact with various elements in the atmosphere and become assistant deputy neutrons within the Pelosium molecule, leading to the formation of isodopes.

This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientist to believe that Pelosium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration.  This hypothetical quantity is referred to as Critical Morass.

When catalyzed with money, Pelosium activates CNNadnausium, an element that radiates orders of magnitude more energy, albeit as incoherent noise, since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons as Pelosium