Tide Detergent is the Street’s Gold Standard Currency

I tried to pay the guy who mows my lawn with five 100-ounce bottles of Era laundry detergent, and he looked at me like I had three heads or something.  “Era?” he gasped, “don’t you know only Tide in its trademarked orange bottle can be used in lieu of currency these days?”.  Oh, sorry,  my bad. I apologized and wrote him a check.

You can’t buy your drugs with Era, or generic laundry detergent, either.  Only Tide will do; it is a brand name that is respected by shoplifters and street currency purveyors nationwide.  A wave of Tide theft has swept over the country, though I find it hard to believe that it is easy to stroll out of a store with a cart full of bright orange 100-ounce bottles.  From coast to coast, retailers are under assault from thieves stealing, of all things, Tide detergent.  Laundry detergent is expensive (up to $20 for a large bottle), and “everybody needs it”, so it stands to reason that Tide detergent has emerged as a popular street currency.  Police and retailers are quick to point out that there aren’t serial numbers on bottles of detergent, so it is hard to track stolen items. I think it isn’t hard to track down a guy running through the parking lot with a cart full of detergent.

Maybe the folks stealing the detergent don’t realize that “currency” is generally a portable medium of exchange.  If you need a grocery cart full of plastic bottles to pay your bookie or drug dealer, you’ll be awfully conspicuous walking down the street with all that detergent and no laundry, won’t you?  Apparently, one 100-ounce bottle is equal to about five bucks, which is on average a 75% discount from the retail price of the detergent.  I guess if you stole the Tide, a deep discount like that is tolerable.  Who knew black market participants were so picky about their laundry detergent, and are so fastidious about their clothes?

These are tough times, so only steal the best – steal Tide – accepted by under-the-table service providers, drug dealers, bookies, and maybe even prostitutes everywhere.  Tide is the new American Express, without all the portability and convenience. I sense an ad campaign in there somewhere.

Things that will get you arrested. In America.

After reading through the news over the last couple of weeks, I decided to jot down a couple of  surprising things that will get you arrested and possibly sent to jail.  Here, in America.

Making your 10-year old child walk to school after he got kicked off the bus for the last time.

Not finishing the siding on your house to the satisfaction of local authorities.

Being drawn holding a gun, by your 4-year old daughter .

Flying the American Flag.

That’s plenty to think about for right now.  Noodle on these for a while.

 

 

 

 

Chocolate Milk Ire in the Bay State

BOSTON: Massachusetts legislators have banned chocolate milk from public schools in the Commonwealth beginning in the 2012-2013 school year, as part of its “Superior Parenting for You (SPY)” campaign that targets making better choices for your children, because parents are completely unqualified to do so. One of the stated goals of the SPY program is to “provide consistent, state-mandated guidance in as many areas as possible for the children of our Commonwealth”, and to “maximize the state’s positive influences as much as possible during the school day”.  ”We are giving parents a helping hand in this crazy, stressful world” boasts SPY Director Nina “Nanny” Rousseau.  Critics claim that the ban of something innocuous like chocolate milk may cause public school children to seethe with anger when they find that their private school brethren can still swill down the calcium, vitamin,  and protein-laden chocolately goodness, causing concerns about widening the gulf between the “haves and have-nots”. Massachusetts parents need not worry, though: public schools can still distribute condoms and birth control pills without your consent, and in some cases provide gynecological services without parental permission. Private schools can’t do THAT. These education professionals know what they are doing, so just stand back and let them work!

No more sledding!

 

Raynham, MA: The Bugermeister Miesterburger has declared “No more Sledding” in the little hamlet of Raynham. It seems that 20+ inches of snow plus a gigantic hill behind a middle school equals sledding, and it must not be tolerated! Sledding down the hill eventually leads sledders to where there are cars, and it’s simply too unsafe.  Officials have ordered new signs for the area, but the town says that signs cannot be posted until the ground thaws out. Blessed are the sign-makers, they shall inherit the earth. (Note: this story was on FOX news before I read it in any local media).

BREAKING: Tilikum on no-fly list since 2001

WASHINGTON, DC: Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano confirmed that Tilikum, the killer whale under investigation for a murder at Sea World, has been under surveillance since 1998, and has been on the “no-fly” list since 2001.

Virginia is for lovers……

...but not ALL lovers!

…but not ALL lovers.  Over the last few weeks, the great Commonwealth of Virginia has been the subject of a number of controversies: Virginia is not for explicit-Anne-Frank-diary-readin’ lovers: Anne Frank, legendary 14 year-old author of a diary written during the Holocaust, originally published by her father in 1947, is the subject of scorn and allegations of loose morals in the commonwealth of Virgina.  While hiding out from the pesky Nazis, she penned a diary describing her feelings, her daily life, and dramas of the families hiding out together, before eventually being discovered and put to death in the Bergen-Belsen concentration camp.  Cue the banjo music: the Culpeper, Virginia school department has yanked the ‘definitive’ version of Anne Frank’s diary from the classroom. The book was assigned to honors level 8th grade english students, and one parent complained about the book two months after the students’ assignments were due. The school board yanked the book, because “they dont’ want to make waves”. It seems now that the two copies held by Culpeper’s reputed library are either lost or missing. I guess it’s because the software the use for managing circulation doesn’t have a ‘burned’ category. The book was deemed inappropriate due to some feminine issues (menstruation, brief discussion of female body parts, use of the word “vagina”), and some suggestive language. The ‘definitive’ edition includes pages and passages that Mr. Frank had originally excluded from published versions of his daughter’s diary. Culpeper, Virgina, is about 50 miles southwest of MacLean, and is described as ‘rural’. Culpeper is home to around 15,000 people (and only 43 are registered sex offenders), and the town’s website boasts a wine and Moonshine (legal) attraction, but they don’t come off sounding too much like hillbillies.  It may be worthwhile to note that teen pregnancy in Culpeper, and in Virginia as a whole, is on the rise, and that influences like Anne Frank can only contribute to loose morals.  So tune back into “Jersey Shore”, and sext your naughty picture to your high school boyfriends, but stay away from that nasty book!  

  Virginia is not for snowball-throwin’ public-disruption-lovers: the Commonwealth has been the victim of severe winter storms, and has seen record snow accumulations, which has made local law enforcement quite testy.  Harrisonburg police arrested two James Madison University students for throwing “missiles at occupied vehicles” during this week’s snowstorm.  In laymen’s terms, they threw snowballs at a plow and an unmarked police car.  These are felony charges, and these boys could face one to five years in prison and a maximum $2,500 fine.  Virginia jails are full of these kind of trouble-makers, but let he who has never pelted the big plow trucks cast the first snowball.  

  Virginia is not for fancy-pro-abortion-advertisin’-license-plate-lovers:  The Virgina legislature has yet to approve a state-issued license plate that supports “choice”, despite having approved a “Respect Life” license plate already with approval. The pro-life plate is available in 23 states already, and Planned Parenthood and NARAL are just now getting in on the action, feeling like they’ve got to get in on the license plate action, the way Pepsi wants to be offered everywhere Coke is. The issue over license plate sponsorship is rather silly: all across the country people pay extra money for special plates with environmental, educational, sports-fan related, music, etc. The issue is using state governments to channel money to the programs the plates support. One Virgina legislator has proposed that a single set of plates that can accommodate most issues facing today’s drivers: “Am not!” and “Are too!”, or “I’m for it” and “I’m against it” could also be used. This would eliminate all the special plates and decals for which the registry makes no extra money.

Shocking: Nursing Home Murder Gang-Related

Nursing home drama unfolds

 

DARTMOUTH, MA – A 98-year old nursing home resident has been charged with the second-degree murder of her 100-year old roommate.  At this time, authorities believe the murder was an initiation into the ‘White Cougar’ gang that has flourished in the nursing home over the last two years.  Members of the “White Cougar’ gang are known to nursing home staff, who have until now thought it cute how white Cougars get everyone’s puddings, or get to watch what they like on the TV in the common room.  Their signature look was wearing  their undergarments on the outside of their clothes. “It seemed harmless, since they’re all pretty cranky and argumentative anyway.  They actually brought a strange sense of order to this place,” said a nursing assistant who wished to remain anonymous. As the state builds its case against the accused murderer, they have also launched an investigation into gang activity at the nursing home. Though there have been no earlier incidents of violence in the home, theft of nursing home property, and petty vandalism has been on the rise in the past two years.  Follow the Cranky Mommy as this story develops.

KSM to NYC; Set to Host SNL

Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, as seen when we was allegedly picked up by the US Military for alleged terror activities

Alleged terror suspect Khalid Sheikh Mohammed (KSM), suspected mastermind of the suspected terrorist-like attack on New York City in which almost 3,000 Americans were allegedly killed, will face trial in New York City. Attorney General Eric Holder made the announcement today, letting Americans know they should feel superior, knowing that KSM will receive an excruciatingly fair civil trial, but that the government is seeking the death penalty for planning the alleged terror-like attack. “We believe we have pretty strong evidence in this case” said Holder, “and we’re sure his attorneys will mount a rigorous defense, possibly citing his obviously bad treatment while in custody under the Bush Administration.  I mean, we’d be really screwed if the defense plays the waterboarding card.  Besides that, he cleans up really good”.  Skeptics of the plan claim that the civil trial will provide KSM with a platform that attacks the means and methods of our military and the CIA, and for outright anti-American hate.   Further, opponents claim that valuable intelligence information will be released that would likely be used to endanger ongoing intelligence and military operations.  Holder rejects these claims outright, and adds that he suspects that the first thing the defense will do is seek a change of venue to ensure an impartial jury; “The Saudi Arabians have offered up Dubai as a suitable substitute that we’ll have to consider”.  Legal costs for the trial are expected to run in the tens of millions, and may be covered in the proposed Stimulus II plan being bandied about by Congress.  Alan Dershowitz is rumored to be considering offering his expertise to the defense.

While in New York City, KSM will be staying at the W Hotel in Midtown, Manhattan under top-level security, for the safety of KSM. The producers of Saturday Night Live have already booked him as the host for their December 19th show, which is slated to feature musical guest September.

Real Housewives of Middlesex County

So the Feds arrested a suspected terrorist in my town last week – great!  I usually joke about how the newspaper wouldn’t cover a meth lab in an elementary school because of the bad press, but this time the helicopters, satellite trucks and dozens and dozens of law enforcement vehicles made the arrest impossible to ignore.  Seems this guy is just a 27-year old peace-loving, proud graduate of our local high school who still lives at home with his parents.  Sure, he went to Yemen with another guy who, it turns out, was looking for al Queda training camps, so what? So he may have wanted to shoot up the Natick Mall -probably just an exaggeration.  Oi vey. 

The funny part about the story is that when we moved to our upscale suburb (we’re no longer affluent in the media, we’re upscale), our second-choice house was on the very street where this guy lives.  Yup. We would have been neighbors for crying out loud.  I would have been the wing nut that would tell the media “he kind of kept to himself, but I always thought something funny was going on over there”.  

I guess if he’s convicted, he’ll be sent to live with the Gitmo detainees in Amherst.  No harm done, really.

A Tale of Two Police Logs

Here in the affluent suburbs, the police log reported in the paper is somewhat of a joke, because even if there was a major drug bust that included a meth lab being run out of one of the elementary schools, it wouldn’t be in the papers. Here is last week’s police log from my town:

7:10 a.m. Summer St. After Police Department reported a giant swan in the area, police located the web-footed waterfowl at 30 Summer St. Wildlife officials reported the swan to be a juvenile which resides at Stearns Mill Pond, where it was expected to return.

1:39 p.m. Longfellow Road. Woman reported her husband, who left their home in his car, had been trying to harm her. In pursuit, police stopped and arrested Yeganeh Sabet, of 35 Longfellow Road, and charged the 51-year-old with domestic assault and battery.

9:56 p.m. Boston Post Road. Police charged Wanderson R. Lobo, 35, of 202 East Main St., Apt. 2, Marlborough, with unlicensed operation of a motor vehicle and speeding.

9:56 a.m. Old Sudbury Road. Resident reported a storm drain was blocked/full.

2:47 p.m. Powers Road. Police reported strong winds took down large power lines and the area had no power.

10:51 a.m. Moore Road. With power lines and no power reported in the area, police used barricades to shut off Moore Road.

4:51 a.m. Dutton Road. After a resident reported a large tree had fallen and blocked the road, police noted a limb was also stuck in the electrical wires. They notified NStar, and the highway and fire department.

5:31 p.m. Maple Ave., Resident reported someone broke into and took items from 34 Maple Ave. Police are investigating.

3:22 p.m. Horse Pond Road. State Police Crime Lab reported a transformer on fire. Rte. 20 had no power.

Now here’s just a sample of the 544 kick-ass calls answered in one weekend by the police of Tracy, California; these are pretty detailed and more interesting than most things on television (warning: there are no giant swans or blocked storm drains in this set):

4:17 a.m.: A caller reported seeing a woman clutching her chest and screaming on the 1700 block of Southbrook Street.

9:52 a.m.: A caller said a tall guy at Bonfare Market, 15 E. Grant Line Road, was giving him a hard time. The market owners told the tall guy to stay off the property or be cited for trespassing. The owners said the tall man’s parents asked them to refuse selling the guy any alcohol because he has a mental disability. Police gave the tall, mentally ill man a warning.

11:17 a.m.: A caller said a man approached him at Walmart, 3010 W. Grant Line Road, and pulled a car stereo and cell phone out of his pants to sell to him. The seller allegedly told the caller that the items were stolen and mentioned how some security cameras at the superstore were broken. Police arrested the 32-year-old seller, who had a criminal history, on suspicion of shoplifting.

11:22 a.m.: A caller reported that a driver almost T-boned an ambulance at Tracy Boulevard and Schulte Road.(not sure what T-boning is)

1:36 p.m.: A 17-year-old boy was reportedly “tearing up the house” on the 1600 block of Waverly Court, his parents told police

9:55 p.m.: A caller said someone broke into a house on the 3400 block of Castle Court. Several household items and the family dog were taken, the caller said.

4:02 a.m.: A woman who reported hearing the alarm sound at her home on the 700 block of New Haven Drive said she armed herself with a handgun and would check out what triggered the alarm. It turned out to be an alarm malfunction, according to dispatchers.

11:35 a.m.: A woman said someone knocked on her door at about 1:30 that morning and when she woke up, she found a dead tree on her doorstep on the 200 block of Kelley Mist Court. (strange mob warning?)

4:30 p.m.: A caller reported finding a pit bull tied to a tree next to a sign that said “free dog” around Barcelona and Cypress drives. (was that an offer, or an instruction?)

5:56 p.m.: A caller said a big guy at Food Maxx, 3225 N. Tracy Blvd., grabbed a 3-year-old girl by the hair and dropped her into a shopping cart. An officer spoke to the parents who said they were disciplining the girl for putting candy in her pocket.

6:21 p.m.: An elderly woman called to complain about a neighbor with a noisy motorcycle on the 2000 block of Standridge Road. The woman was advised before to call the non-emergency number, but she keeps calling 9-1-1, dispatchers said. She said she’s entitled to continue calling the emergency number because she is ill.

10:43 p.m.: Police issued a warning to a man on the 200 block of Ramona Way after several people complained about extremely loud music coming from his backyard. The man said the music calms his dogs, but agreed to lower the volume anyway.

11:12 p.m.: A caller asked police to check up on a “creepy” man at Chevron, 3775 N. Tracy Blvd. The man said he was feeding stray cats behind the gas station.

3:04 p.m.: A woman on the 300 block of Rodeo Way said she had been getting sexually explicit text messages from someone she didn’t know. Police contacted the sender, who said he thought he was sending them to a girl in his class. (oh dear)

3:06 p.m.: A caller said a man at Hirsch Elementary School, 1280 Dove Drive, was trying to hit someone with a crow bar. When police arrived, they determined it was just a verbal argument. Police said the two people agreed to end the dispute that “started over a paper airplane getting thrown.”