BREAKING: Barack Obama to Seek Re-Election

President Barack Obama formally announced today that he would be seeking re-election in November. Thus ends months, even years of speculation as to his intentions. He kicked off his official campaign in the battleground states of Ohio and Virginia, on the trail to visit all 57 of our great states.

Reminder: Saturday is Free Comic Book Day!

Since 2002, the first Saturday in May has been “Free Comic Book Day”.  Don’t forget to find a participating store near you.  What? You or your kids don’t enjoy  free comic books?  Never mind, there will be more for the rest of us!

Take Your Child to Work Day – China Edition

Brought to you by the geniuses at MotiFake – the ORIGINAL Demotivational Poster Community

Friday Funny – Cat Humor

Brought to you by the lads at College Humor. Click through the graphic for more!

UPDATE: Starbucks Drops the Bugs!!

After facing withering pressure from the vegetarian/vegan/kosher/halal/PETA/Bug-Loving segment of its client base, and reported here,  Starbucks has dropped the cochineal bug extract from its red-colored foods. Now a tomato-based extract will be used. Strawberry Frappuccinos will now cost $9.00 a pop. Hooray!

“Albino Rhino” Beer Name Offensive

First let me  point out the humor at seeing a Canadian news story that includes the words ”beer” and “complaint” but has nothing to do with running out of said “beer”.  Anyway,  a patron of Earl’s Restaurant chain finds the name of one of their beers – Albino Rhino – a violation of her human rights. She says that the name

“demeans her and other albinos by deliberately evoking a sense of oddness about the condition”

The complainant is Nigerian-born, where albinos are targets of ritualistic murder or rape. Jeez – a quick google search suggests that there has never been a ritual murder or rape of an albino person in Canada. Here are some other beers that might elicit charges of human rights violations in Canada:

 Blind Pig IPA - oh, really funny – blind pigs? Aren’t we cruel enough to pigs already?

Rabbid Rabbit - Getting all those shots is not humorous. There’s no cure for rabies.

Fat Cat Red Ale – Obesity is a global epidemic. Not cool; it’s not even a light beer.

Scratchin’ Hippo – Lots of people have skin conditions. So hurtful.

 Cougar Bait Beer- well, this isn’t about actual cougars, you know, but ladies who fancy themselves “cougars” might be ticked off at any insinuation here.

Syphilitic Camel – just kidding, there is no such beer (but there should be); this is a shout out to Glenn Reynolds at Instapundit.

Perhaps if someone brewed up a batch of “Thin-Skinned Ass” they would have reason to bawl about it, but until then, Albino Rhino and the others are  just kinds of  beer (which you don’t have to actually purchase and/or consume)!

BREAKING: Barbie’s Early Career Photos – NSFW

Please click through to see Sarah Haney’s explosive photo essay about the ugly truth behind the rise of Barbie as America’s perfect woman. Brilliant.

The Proper Way to Undress in front of your Honey

Please click-through to this Strollerderby article by Meredith Carroll that includes parts of a hysterical photo shoot from a 1937 LIFE magazine article that described how a wife should get undressed in front of her husband. The captions underneath are also pretty good – the comments on the article are from people who take everything a little too seriously.

Magic/Bird on Broadway. Really?

So your wife is bugging you to take her into the city to see a show, and you would rather have a double root canal with no Novocaine, right? Well here’s a solution: a Broadway play centered around the lives of two of the greatest players in NBA history: Magic Johnson and Larry Bird. Your wife may have no idea who these guys were, but YOU sure do. The same way “Lombardi” got guys into the theater, Magic/Bird will put heterosexual male asses in theater seats as well. Your wife is gonna think it is “Magic Bird”, kind of Circ du Soleil creepy, yet artsy thing. Boy is she going to be surprised when they talk about basketball for 90 minutes, with vintage game footage playing on stage much of the time. But wait – the headline name in the production is Peter Scolari, you know, they guy who was with Tom Hanks on Bosom Buddies? That has to count for something! He plays Red Auerbach, and a couple of other guys. Sweep your wife off her feet by surprising her with Broadway tickets – make it a nice surprise – she will let you choose where you will dine out because you are such a good sport and such a wonderful guy to take her to a show, even when she knows that’s not really your thing.  The jig will be up once she enters the theater decorated to look like a sports bar, so it will behoove you to dine out BEFORE the show!

Disclaimer:  The Cranky Mommy is a huge sports fan (go Celtics!), yet even I think this is an absurd theater production. The sexist themes used in this post are for entertainment purposes only.  ‘Cause they are funny and often true.

Very High Standards

Here in the affluent suburbs, it is almost time for the fourth-graders to go on their big, 3-day educational expedition an hour or so away. The program requires a certain number of parent chaperones, but the guidelines are pretty clear as to behavioral expectations. Strictly prohibited by chaperones are:

 -drinking on or off the camp site
-use of tobacco or other drugs
-bringing a pet
-use of foul/inappropriate language
-sexual activity
-physical interventions with students for disciplinary measures

Wow – they actually have to spell this out here in the ‘burbs. I don’t see firearms, religious texts, or peanuts on the prohibited list, so I guess I can apply.