Tide Detergent is the Street’s Gold Standard Currency

I tried to pay the guy who mows my lawn with five 100-ounce bottles of Era laundry detergent, and he looked at me like I had three heads or something.  “Era?” he gasped, “don’t you know only Tide in its trademarked orange bottle can be used in lieu of currency these days?”.  Oh, sorry,  my bad. I apologized and wrote him a check.

You can’t buy your drugs with Era, or generic laundry detergent, either.  Only Tide will do; it is a brand name that is respected by shoplifters and street currency purveyors nationwide.  A wave of Tide theft has swept over the country, though I find it hard to believe that it is easy to stroll out of a store with a cart full of bright orange 100-ounce bottles.  From coast to coast, retailers are under assault from thieves stealing, of all things, Tide detergent.  Laundry detergent is expensive (up to $20 for a large bottle), and “everybody needs it”, so it stands to reason that Tide detergent has emerged as a popular street currency.  Police and retailers are quick to point out that there aren’t serial numbers on bottles of detergent, so it is hard to track stolen items. I think it isn’t hard to track down a guy running through the parking lot with a cart full of detergent.

Maybe the folks stealing the detergent don’t realize that “currency” is generally a portable medium of exchange.  If you need a grocery cart full of plastic bottles to pay your bookie or drug dealer, you’ll be awfully conspicuous walking down the street with all that detergent and no laundry, won’t you?  Apparently, one 100-ounce bottle is equal to about five bucks, which is on average a 75% discount from the retail price of the detergent.  I guess if you stole the Tide, a deep discount like that is tolerable.  Who knew black market participants were so picky about their laundry detergent, and are so fastidious about their clothes?

These are tough times, so only steal the best – steal Tide – accepted by under-the-table service providers, drug dealers, bookies, and maybe even prostitutes everywhere.  Tide is the new American Express, without all the portability and convenience. I sense an ad campaign in there somewhere.

Finance Wizards in the Senate Vote to Throw $11B to Post Office

The whiz-bang financial analysts of the United States Senate approved a measure that would give the Postal Service $11B (that’s Billion with a “B”), freeze most facilities closings that were planned to reduce costs, along with implementation of 5-day delivery. For the first time ever, I have to side with the Postmaster General on this issue:

“It is totally inappropriate in these economic times to keep unneeded facilities open. There is simply not enough mail in our system today,” the Postal Service’s board of governors said in a statement. “It is also inappropriate to delay the implementation of five-day delivery.”

This is coming from the guy who’s captain of the sinking ship, and throwing a life-preserver isn’t going to help this vessel - plugging holes and bailing is a better course. In fact, the Senate bill explicitly prohibits the USPS from making most of its cost-cutting measures for YEARS to come:

The Senate bill would halt the immediate closing of up to 252 mail-processing centers and 3,700 post offices, part of a postal cost-cutting plan to save some $6.5 billion a year. Donahoe previously said he would begin making cuts after May 15 if Congress didn’t act, warning that the agency could run out of money this fall.

The measure would save about half the mail processing centers the Postal Service wants to close, from 252 to 125, allowing more areas to maintain overnight first-class mail delivery for at least three more years. It also would bar any shutdowns before the November elections, protect rural post offices for at least a year, give affected communities new avenues to appeal closing decisions and forbid cuts to Saturday delivery for two years.

Got that?  The Senate wants to spend $11B this year to prevent the USPS from saving at least $6.5B every year, and start paring down its operation.  Since the Post Office is a creation of the Legislature, they require its authority to do anything, even save money.  Where the hell does this $11B come from, anyway?  The USPS reminds us on its website that

The Postal Service receives NO tax dollars for operating expenses and relies on the sale of postage, products and services to fund its operations. We are required by law to cover our costs.

Unless Congress says so. I smell election-year hijinks and 500,000 solid Democratic votes.  There are a nice bunch of Postal employees in swing states  according to workforce size by state listings. California, New York, and Texas are the states with the largest postal workforce, but filling in behind is : #4 Florida: 32,000, #6 Pennsylvania 27,600, #7 Ohio: 22,300, : #10 North Carolina 15,200 ,and  #12: Virginia 15,300. Interesting. It remains to be seen what the House of Representatives does with this next.

BREAKING: Obama Threatens Rolling Blackouts if Debit Ceiling Not Raised

WASHINGTON – President Obama this morning warned that the country could face rolling blackouts if Republican lawmakers don’t compromise in raising the nation’s debt ceiling before August 2nd.  Of course, rolling blackouts in the heat of summer in an uncertain economy are really frightening to most Americans.  This comes after a contentious week of deliberation in which Republican lawmakers refuse to accept any new taxes to support additional government debt.  Unnamed sources in the administration note that “all options are on the table” as far as the President is concerned.  “He’s not going to back down.  If scaring the elderly won’t work, we’re not opposed to drowning kittens to get our way.  People like animals more than old people, anyway”.

US Treasury Issues Chinese Language Savings Bonds

In an effort to sell more United States bonds to overseas investors, Secretary of the Treasury Timothy Geithner has unveiled the new series of savings bonds specifically aimed at the average Chinese investor. “It’s really the only avenue we have left, and since the Chinese are the only ones buying our debt right now, we’re going to make it easier for individuals in China to invest. We call it the ”Easy as Yuan-Two-Three” program. The new bonds are issued only in Mandarin Chinese, with People’s Republic symbols and red coloration throughout. The first auction of these bonds will take place on November 1st, when Chinese banks will have the opportunity to buy them at pennies on the dollar, in order to resell them to individual investors. The bonds will mature at full value in only five years, instead of the standard 20 years, because “we’re a bad credit risk right now, and can’t be trusted to pay out any later than that”. The cost of design and implementation of the program has not yet been identified, but Secretary Geithner assures us it will provide the same level of efficiency as the other creative financial dealings that we have seen during the administration’s tenure.

Why banks are dinosaurs

Oh dear, we don't have that much cash! Is it cold in here, or is it just me?

I my very important role for our school Parent Teacher Organization, I am responsible for the in-person banking for the group. I’m the self-proclaimed “cash-monkey”, getting appropriate cash to be used for fund-raising events, and then depositing the proceeds back in the bank afterward. It seems simple enough, and but for the PTO, I would otherwise never set foot in an actual bank branch. Yesterday I visited the bank (let’s call it Pitibank, or Shitibank, or whatever) to cash a check from the PTO account to accommodate the numerous cash boxes required for a large, all-school activity taking place tonight. I asked for a certain number of five-dollar bills, some rolled coin, and five hundred one-dollar bills (that would make for a heck of a bachelorette party!). The clerk informed me that he could only give me $200 worth of ones, because the lady who has all the keys for the rest of the money won’t be back until the afternoon. Can you come back later today? Are you kidding me?? Make TWO trips in the way-back machine to get some stinking one-dollar bills? I can go to the grocery store and have better success with this. I didn’t push it really hard, but I was aghast at the stupidity of the situation. These are the same guys that pressure me all the time to open a stupid account at their stupid bank . I told the teller “this is going to really slow down the new account process”, as I was shaking my head in disbelief. I was standing in a bank branch, in which I was the ONLY customer, and my simple needs could not be met. It reminded me of this Saturday Night Live skit about how pathetic banking is; at least the bank in the skit would have gotten the job done!

Wolverine, Hulk pissed at being bought by Disney

This week, the Walt Disney Company announced that they will buy Marvel Entertainment for $4 billion (BILLION) in cash and stock. The move “changes the landscape in Hollywood”, since Disney would own rights to almost five thousand Marvel characters that could be marketed to death. Upon hearing the news, Wolverine (James Howlett ) and the Hulk (Bruce Banner) were less than enthused. Wolverine said, “I dont’ give a rat’s ass WHO owns us now – I’ll never do a movie with friggin’ Mickey Mouse or Hannah Montana. I’d eat the Jonas Brothers for lunch”. (We should note that Sony owns film rights for the entire Fantastic Four.)  Hulk had no verbal comments, but he smashed up the facade of the Manhattan Disney Store, two cabs, and a hot dog cart before being sedated. Other Marvel heroes were unavailable for comment, including the two characters specifically excluded from the deal: Captain Rectitude (too uptight even for Disney), and Unus(sounds too much like anus). The deal opens up almost endless opportunities for Disney, given their obvious expertise in publishing, movies, television, marketing and branding.  Several projects are already in the early planning stages of development:  ‘Beauty and THE BEAST ‘(the blue one from X-Men fame), ‘Super Freaky Friday’ (The Incredibles inexplicably switch places with the Fantastic Four), and a teen-targeted romance between She-Hulk and Wall-E.

UPDATED: Don’t plan the BBQ just yet (BREAKING: Zoo animals may be euthanized, cooked to feed the homeless)

UPDATED:  Massachusetts legislators are going to ‘try and reinstate’ the zoo’s funding to stem the public uproar over this story.  They’ve been pressured into action by their own means (which usually means threatening the public with the ‘what about the children’ argument), using the ‘what about the cute fuzzy animals’ argument.  We’ll see if they actually come through on this one.

 

Boston – The Franklin Park Zoo, in the throes of intense budget shortfalls after Governor Patrick cut funding by over 60%, has announced that it may have to euthanize some animals (mostly the cutest furry ones) to contain costs. They assure taxpayers that they will hold massive bar-b-ques open to the public to feed the euthanized animals to those who need it most. The Governor has shot back at Zoo New England (which owns and operates both the Franklin Park and Stone Zoos), saying these are unfair, incendiary threats.  Zoo officials could not be reached for comment at this time.

Captain Louis Renault Speaks on AIG, et al

Now imagine it’s the President saying it about AIG and Fannie/Freddie bonuses.  Just go along with it and the Nazis won’t shut your business down. Genius!

Red Herring Alert: Faux Fury over AIG Bonuses

How can you not laugh out loud about Barney Fwank (D – Marxistchusetts) complaining about “rewarding incompetence” with respect to bonuses for executives at AIG (which is nothing at all like Fannie Mae or Freddie Mac). He is, in fact, an expert at that concept, so he should know.

It all makes for great theater: the President showing public dismay over the bonuses (which were a known quantity when the current administration gave it another $30B), urging his crack team at Treasury (currently only Timmy Geithner) to pursue “every single legal avenue” to stop those bonuses.  Translated, this means the horse is already out of the barn, but we’ll make a good show of it. Well scripted, don’t you think? Show outrage at the fat cat bonuses when the company is 80% owned by taxpayers, while glossing over the fact  that you’re thinking about taxing medical benefits, and pushing a crazy-ass kajillion-dollar socialist budget.  The plan is working brilliantly!

Geithner almost done with take-home project

Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner continues work on his take-home project to detail his bank rescue plan.  Over a month in the making, the world markets cautiously await the details of the public/private resolution to the country’s banking system and “toxic asset” woes.  The details of the project are expected in the “next couple of weeks”.  This project will make up half of his first semester grade, although tardiness will cost him two points per day. To be fair, this was supposed to be a group project, but the Obama administration is having a heck of a time filling those empty seats you always see around Mr. Geithner. 

Mr. Geithner is the former President of the Federal Reserve Bank of New York, which is one of several governmental banking regulators that share responsibility for supervising and examining depository institutions. The objective of their activities is to ensure the financial strength and stability of the nation’s banking system. Heh.