Magic/Bird on Broadway. Really?

So your wife is bugging you to take her into the city to see a show, and you would rather have a double root canal with no Novocaine, right? Well here’s a solution: a Broadway play centered around the lives of two of the greatest players in NBA history: Magic Johnson and Larry Bird. Your wife may have no idea who these guys were, but YOU sure do. The same way “Lombardi” got guys into the theater, Magic/Bird will put heterosexual male asses in theater seats as well. Your wife is gonna think it is “Magic Bird”, kind of Circ du Soleil creepy, yet artsy thing. Boy is she going to be surprised when they talk about basketball for 90 minutes, with vintage game footage playing on stage much of the time. But wait – the headline name in the production is Peter Scolari, you know, they guy who was with Tom Hanks on Bosom Buddies? That has to count for something! He plays Red Auerbach, and a couple of other guys. Sweep your wife off her feet by surprising her with Broadway tickets – make it a nice surprise – she will let you choose where you will dine out because you are such a good sport and such a wonderful guy to take her to a show, even when she knows that’s not really your thing.  The jig will be up once she enters the theater decorated to look like a sports bar, so it will behoove you to dine out BEFORE the show!

Disclaimer:  The Cranky Mommy is a huge sports fan (go Celtics!), yet even I think this is an absurd theater production. The sexist themes used in this post are for entertainment purposes only.  ‘Cause they are funny and often true.

Real Housewives of Dubai – New Episode!

On this week’s episode: Faruka and Nahzir attend a women’s career fair and are arrested when they attempt to drive home;  Ameerah snitches to authorities on lingerie store that still employs a man; Arafia unsure if her gynecologist should have been allowed to see her “sensitive” parts.

Photo of the Day

From the Daily Mail this morning – the mothers from TLC’s Toddlers and Tiaras get a makeover on Anderson Cooper’s show (hard-hitting, isn’t it?).  Thank God for reality television; sometimes it’s just the confidence boost I need! My favorite comment : “Who’s the dude in the pink, and why is he wearing a fat suit?”

The Blame Game – The Who Killed Whitney Houston? Edition

Jeez – we are always looking for someone to blame when something goes wrong. In the most recent case, we look at the tragic death of pop superstar Whitney Houston. She died at only 48 years of age, after having lived the dream of being a music superstar, enormous financial success, marriage, children. Then there was what the media calls “tumult” in her marriage and personal life.  Drugs (legal and otherwise) and alcohol were involved.   Hmmmm. We read that she was found, unresponsive, in the bathtub of her hotel room the night before the Grammy Awards. She was to be a guest at the big Clive Owens pre-party that evening. Now the investigation shifts to her physician. You know, the bad guy who prescribed the drugs that were involved in her death. It must be his fault, because we just can’t tolerate that one of the beautiful, important people in our world could have simply self-destructed. Did this doctor prescribe the crack she was doing over the last 10 years? Nope. Just take a peek back at Bobby Brown’s reality series (“Being Bobby Brown”), where she unfortunately publicized a really ugly and out of control time in her life. Her death is really, really sad, and even more so, because we are desperately looking for someone to blame other than Whitney. She was obviously troubled, and had addiction issues. That tends to catch up with you. But can’t we make this into a cautionary tale? Why do we have to seek another reason?  Whitney Houston was what one analyst called “a slow motion car wreck” that her friends, family, and fans watched over the last decade, but now want a do-over. The lesson should be “don’t do crack, kids”. That’s too much to ask.  The lesson should be about making decisions and dealing with the consequences.  I know this: the only person that will be held responsible for any actions or decisions will be her physician; we’ll see charges against him within a week.

Best. Halftime. Show. Ever

Forgive me while I catch up on a few items:  Despite a monumentally disappointing Patriots loss in Super Bowl XLVI, I would have to say that 53 year-old Madonna put on the best halftime show ever. Ever. She proved that she’s the best of the geezer-stars (remember the Who last year? Prince? Springsteen? Petty? Rolling Stones?). Sure, Madge seemed a little stiff on the dance numbers, but she was playing hurt, and that MUST count for something on Super Bowl Sunday (right, Gronk?). I admit that I’m a Madonna fan, so I am predisposed to enjoy her stuff, but as a fan, I understand that there is a risk of inappropriate material, bad language, etc.  I mean, we’re talking Madonna here – she has made a coupla bucks being provocative in the past. I enjoyed the show, which was epic in the Cecile B. DeMille kind of way, from the dramatic entrance to the costume changes, to the dance numbers, to the co-star cameos.   There she was, the Queen of Pop (take note, Gaga), being pulled by muscular, sandal-wearing, bronze and leopard skin armor-clad, Roman soldiers! My boys were PSYCHED to see Roman soldiers at the Super Bowl! There were no “extras” on the stage – only a group of trained dancers who obviously rehearsed a lot. We are a long way from “Up with People” who were always on at halftime when I was a kid.  She should do the show every year.  Oh, and as far as whole middle finger brouhaha, I did not notice it during the live show, and think it was blown way out of proportion.  And I’m a Cranky Mommy.

There’s NOTHING on TV during the day…

I was hanging out with my nephew one day this week, while he was recovering at home from some minor surgery. I thought we’d gab and watch some good TV; they have most of the pay channels on top of a great Verizon cable (oh, I mean FIOS) lineup. We spent most of the time changing channels – the amount of crap out there was amazing. The crap actually spanned decades, with crap movies from the 60′s to today.   Encore!, like the other premium channels has a number of channels that come with your subscription: Encore Romance, Encore Classic, Encore Kids, Encore Western, etc.  The movie showing on Encore Western was “The Gambler V”, you know, with Kenny Rodgers. For thirty bucks a month you get ten crappy channels to choose from, where you don’t even get “The Gambler” - the original one! The mere fact that they produced five of those movies is staggering, but for your $30 you got number five?  The best option for us was that day was to jump halfway into a movie about two young Hasidic Jews that turn to drug smuggling and run into trouble, etc.  Talk about SLOW.

So I’ve come up with an idea for a new channel:  Encore Crappy Sequels. They wouldn’t show any of the first editions of the movies: only Jaws 4, Ghostbusters 2, Rocky IV, Godfather 3 (totally not in the same league as the first two), Big Mama’s House 2, Nightmare on Elm Street 2 through 11, Staying Alive (which is really Saturday Night Fever 2), . I recently watched Rush Hour 3 and sadly had to add it to this crappy list.  At least you would know right off that they were crap. You wouldn’t be led to believe that you’d get a good movie. Sometimes you want to watch one of the crummy movies for fun, to bask in its crumminess, and rip on the poor quality of the cast/script/cinematography, etc. But you’d have a channel devoted to it, instead of spreading it out all over the dial. Now THAT would be worth paying for.

Real Housewives of Dubai – now on BRAVO

On this week’s episode, Fatima, Nahzir, and Bethralla are stoned in public for spending too much money on groceries (again!).  Arafia, seeking attention, goes to the mall with her abaya hiked up nearly 2 inches; nobody notices and she is furious.  The girls enjoy a glass of wine together in the women’s-only sharia spa, before heading over to the mosque to watch their husbands vote in the local election.

Surprise Getaway for the Cranky Children

Last Friday, the Cranky Daddy and I picked up the Cranky children early from school, and told them that they had doctor’s appointments. Curious about the Cranky Daddy’s presence, he just said he was along for the ride. Shockingly, there were no further questions.  We began our trek heading out the Massachusetts Turnpike, Cranky Son #2 moaning and groaning all the way about missing recess, and not wanting to go to the doctor. Going to the doctor usually takes about 40 minutes, but we drove and drove and drove, crossing state lines to Connecticut (where we stopped and had lunch an hour and a half later) and then into New York. They were completely oblivious. At one point, Cranky Son #1 asked if we were going to be late, and I told them I was trying my best to get where we’re going on time.

The kids finally surmised that we weren’t going to the doctor’s after all, and we told them we were on an adventure.  Aren’t adventures fun?  But we wouldn’t tell them our true destination.  While in New York, we stopped at a rest area that smelled strongly of horse manure. After we used the facilities, we told the kids this was our destination all along, that a guide-book said this was the nicest rest area in New York State.  “Well, whaddaya think, guys?” we asked. They were horrified, and thought we had gone mad. We pointed out that they had restroom facilities, a picnic area complete with benches, and places to bar-b-que.  “Isn’t this great? I hear that when the weather is warm, it’s a popular venue for weddings!”  Then we discussed turning around and heading home – there would be a lot of traffic. The Cranky children were not amused, especially since they missed recess four hours earlier, and endured a long car ride in order to smell horse poo. I then told them that we might be able to hit the historic rest area on the way home – the one with pay toilets that still cost five cents! Grousing, but all the while reading through the new Star Wars books we bought, we crossed into Pennsylvania (another gigantic sign that nobody saw). Cranky Daddy and I spent the whole time giggling at how thick they were being. We actually drove right by our destination: The Great Wolf Lodge in the Poconos, and they didn’t see THAT enormous sign. We decided that “since we were about 1/3 of the way home, that we should eat before we made the final leg of our trip”. We ate at the Friendly’s that we’ve been to before on previous trips to the Poconos. When we turned into the Great Wolf Lodge, the high-pitched screaming began, and they were re-energized enough to spend 90 minutes or so in the water park. Surprise mission accomplished!

No more sledding!

 

Raynham, MA: The Bugermeister Miesterburger has declared “No more Sledding” in the little hamlet of Raynham. It seems that 20+ inches of snow plus a gigantic hill behind a middle school equals sledding, and it must not be tolerated! Sledding down the hill eventually leads sledders to where there are cars, and it’s simply too unsafe.  Officials have ordered new signs for the area, but the town says that signs cannot be posted until the ground thaws out. Blessed are the sign-makers, they shall inherit the earth. (Note: this story was on FOX news before I read it in any local media).

UPDATED: High Ratings 1st Sign of the Apocalypse ::::Tonight on ESPN: A very special episode of the Lebron James Saga

UPDATED:  Sadly, the ratings results are in, and we’ve surely seen the first sign of the apocalypse.  According to MediaDailyNews:

ESPN said James program “The Decision,” that announced he is leaving the Cleveland Cavaliers, his longtime team, for the Miami Heat pulled a Nielsen preliminary 7.3 household rating, the best non-NFL programming rated show this year.

Fifteen minutes into the broadcast — between 9:15 and 9:30 p.m., when James made his announcement — the ratings climb to a 9.6 rating.

The news easily topped other single interview sports programming specials — higher than the 0.4 household rating for a Tiger Woods interview on March 21, 2010, and an Alex Rodriguez interview Feb. 9, 2009, which took a 0.9 rating.

Tonight, self-proclaimed “King” Lebron James will announce his decision as to which team he will grace with his presence next season (for a kajillion dollars, or so). The pundits, for what it’s worth, have been blathering on and on about this since before the King’s men were ousted from the playoffs by the Boston Celtics.  There are some real divas in professional sports, but this ESPN “special” really takes the cake. How do you suppose this one hour show will go? Lebron announces where he’s going in the first five minutes of the show, then interview follows? Nope. I’m guessing for an American Idol-type finale, where ESPN totally lames out and does a retrospective on James in excruciating detail, with lots of spiffy footage of slam dunks, “rare” photos from his childhood, etc. At about 9:45pm, the “big announcement” will be made and Stewart Scott will be the “first interview after the decision is made”. Wow, I’ve GOT to tune in! I’ve got to make sure I watch so that when someone asks, “where were you when Lebron James announced his decision?”, I can honestly say “I was totally watching it live, I remember it like it was yesterday!  It’s not like: “where were you when JFK was shot?  Where were you when the space shuttle blew up?  Where were you on 9/11? I’m not sure which is more pathetic: the diva and his egomaniacal need to be the center of attention, or the sports media, pandering to and enabling this behavior. Apparently the TV special dubbed “The Decision” will generate some money for charity, because James is so committed to the community and children, and his decision has generated “a lot of buzz”.  I can’t wait to see the ratings on this steaming pile of self-aggrandizing tripe.  Here are ten other things you could watch at 9pm tonight (check your local listings):

1. Rookie Blue (new on ABC): The police department throws a “Fite Nite” charity event (the literacy event was cancelled).  This is a close call, because this show sounds pretty bad. I gave it top billing because it’s new.

2. CSI: Crime Scene Investigation (CBS) it’s a repeat, but I’m sure you could work with it – it’s the “Dr. Jekyll serial killer” episode.

3. So you think you can Dance (FOX) Live! Way more action than ESPN

4. Antiques Roadshow (PBS) Repeat from Salt Lake City - seriously, still better than ESPN

5. Perro Amor (Telemundo) that’s “Puppy Love” in english.  I don’t understand the whole description, but the words “grave conflict” are definitely in there. Is this the one Eric Estrada is in?

6. Jersey Shore (MTV) Repeat: the crew goes to Atlantic City, one of them has an eating disorder (but no other issues at all).

7. Police Women of Memphis (TLC) New! follow the Memphis police gals…”Arica goes beyond the call of duty by retrieving a detainee’s gold teeth for him“. Lebron doesn’t even have gold teeth!!!

8. Break it Down (National Geographic Channel) The USS Savannah is dismantled at a scrap yard after more than 20 years of carrying fuel for the Navy’s fleet. What’s not to like?

9. I Didn’t know I was Pregnant (Discovery Health) Repeat: Baby on a Boat – a woman at sea gives birth.  How did the TV crews know to be there?  Slightly less planned out and dramatic than “The Decision”.

10. The Universe (History Channel) Light speed is examined. I’m a nerd, so this is fine, too.

Personally, I’d rather watch Paul the Octopus pick the winner of the World Cup – Paul is 100% accurate so far on his picks in relation to the German national team.  I’m hoping his keepers at the Sea Life Aquarium in Oberhausen, Germany drop down those crazy boxes again with flags of the Netherlands and Spain on them (I’m sure they won’t drop down boxes showing Cavaliers, Bulls, Heat, Knicks, or Nets symbols).  My kids love Paul, and were rooting heavily for the Spanish in yesterday’s game, to give Paul more credibility.  Here he is choosing Spain (which is infinitely more interesting than Lebron James). RESPECT THE CEPHALOPOD!  Naturally, PETA is calling for Paul’s immediate release.

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