Tide Detergent is the Street’s Gold Standard Currency

I tried to pay the guy who mows my lawn with five 100-ounce bottles of Era laundry detergent, and he looked at me like I had three heads or something.  “Era?” he gasped, “don’t you know only Tide in its trademarked orange bottle can be used in lieu of currency these days?”.  Oh, sorry,  my bad. I apologized and wrote him a check.

You can’t buy your drugs with Era, or generic laundry detergent, either.  Only Tide will do; it is a brand name that is respected by shoplifters and street currency purveyors nationwide.  A wave of Tide theft has swept over the country, though I find it hard to believe that it is easy to stroll out of a store with a cart full of bright orange 100-ounce bottles.  From coast to coast, retailers are under assault from thieves stealing, of all things, Tide detergent.  Laundry detergent is expensive (up to $20 for a large bottle), and “everybody needs it”, so it stands to reason that Tide detergent has emerged as a popular street currency.  Police and retailers are quick to point out that there aren’t serial numbers on bottles of detergent, so it is hard to track stolen items. I think it isn’t hard to track down a guy running through the parking lot with a cart full of detergent.

Maybe the folks stealing the detergent don’t realize that “currency” is generally a portable medium of exchange.  If you need a grocery cart full of plastic bottles to pay your bookie or drug dealer, you’ll be awfully conspicuous walking down the street with all that detergent and no laundry, won’t you?  Apparently, one 100-ounce bottle is equal to about five bucks, which is on average a 75% discount from the retail price of the detergent.  I guess if you stole the Tide, a deep discount like that is tolerable.  Who knew black market participants were so picky about their laundry detergent, and are so fastidious about their clothes?

These are tough times, so only steal the best – steal Tide – accepted by under-the-table service providers, drug dealers, bookies, and maybe even prostitutes everywhere.  Tide is the new American Express, without all the portability and convenience. I sense an ad campaign in there somewhere.

Obama Reveals $50B Monorail Plan at Labor Day Rally

President Obama held a Labor Day rally in Springfield, and made his first mention of a $50 billion transportation infrastructure project that would benefit the entire nation, and encourage both short and long-term economic growth .  The plan would create or save an immeasurable number of jobs, and would benefit Democratic voting districts currently flagging in recent polls.  A transcript of the opening of the rally follows:

President Obama: Y’know, a government with a currency printing press is like a mule with a spinning wheel. No one knows how he got it and danged if he knows how to use it!
(audience laughs uncomfortably)
Barney Frank: Heh heh! Mule.
President Obama: The name’s Obama. President Barack Hussein Obama.  And I come before you good people today with an idea. Probably the greatest… Aw, it’s not for you. It’s more of a Canadian idea.
Nancy Pelosi: Now wait just a minute! We’re twice as smart as the people of Canada! Just tell us your idea and we’ll vote for it!
President Obama: All right, I tell you what I’ll do. I’ll show you my idea! I give you the National Monorail! (audience gasps) I’ve built monorails to Brockway, Ogdenville, and North Haverbrooke, and by gum, it put them on the map!  Well, sir, there’s nothing on earth like a genuine, bona fide, electrified, six-car Monorail! …What’d I say?
Harry Reid: Monorail!
President Obama: What’s it called?
Barbara Boxer: Monorail!
President Obama: That’s right! Monorail!
(at this point, the crowd began to chant ”Monorail” softly and rhythmically)
John Boehner:  Who exactly is gonna pay?
President Obama: We are! Follow Keynes, I say!
Bobby Jindal: Is this just a track to nowhere?
President Obama:  It’s even better than Obamacare!

Barney Frank: What about us brain-dead slobs?
President Obama: You’ll all be given cushy jobs.
Scott Brown: Will it mean a business boost?
President Obama: Only till the chickens come home to roost!
Sarah Palin: Won’t we just be wasting money?

President Obama: You must be a racist, honey! I swear it’s America’s only choice…Throw up your hands and raise your voice!
Crowd: Monorail!
President Obama: What’s it called?
Crowd: Monorail!
President Obama: Once again…
Crowd: Monorail!
Jim DeMint: But Main Street’s still all cracked and broken!
Rahm Emmanuel: Sorry, Jim, the mob has spoken.
Crowd: Monorail!
Monorail!
Monorail!
Monorail!
Barney Frank: Mono… D’oh!

USPS Loses $721 Million in August

In another bad business report, the United States Postal Service published unaudited financial results that showed they lost $721 million in August, bringing the running loss total for the fiscal year to $6.3 billion. USPS reports that mail volumes continue to drop, 13% lower than last August, causing obvious revenue reductions. In other obvious business headlines, Betamax VCR producers are getting creamed this quarter, as are rotary phone manufacturers, buggy-whip producers, and Coca Cola’s ‘new Coke’ production.

BREAKING: US Postal unable to make payroll; stamps jump to $62 each

A few weeks ago, four unions that represent the U.S. Postal Service’s employees sent a letter to the White House, asking for assistance with an upcoming financial issue. The USPS may be unable to pay a $5.4 billion payment for prefunded retiree health benefits, and may be unable to meet payroll obligations as early as October. The union letter recommended changes to funding rules that would require Congressional approval, and they declared that the taxpayer should not be affected.

Today, news outlets reported that USPS lost $2.4 billion this quarter, putting it on track to lose more than expected only a few short weeks ago.  Postmaster General John Potter (who by rule of law makes 2% more money than the Vice President of the United States) is looking for help from the Obama administration.  The Postal Service is expected to lose  more than $6 billion this year, while Potter will continue to make over $800,000 annually.  Although concepts like reducing delivery schedules, closing branches, and limiting service hours have not been rigorously enacted, the USPS would like a shot in the arm from the federal government through a change in retiree-health-benefits rules, or through loans from the Treasury. 

Absent any immediate infusion of funds or changes to retiree rules, the Postmaster General has determined that effective September 1, the cost of a postage stamp will jump to $62 (sixty-two DOLLARS).  This will enable the Postal Service to continue to provide the same level of service today as it did 20 years ago, when US Postal was the only game in town.  Though they concede that  the number of pieces of mail processed drops off each year, the service has determined that they have not been charging enough for their high-satisfaction, on-time delivery all along. 

Postmaster General Potter has determined that at $62 per stamp, they should “break even for the calendar year, because Christmas is a big time for us – people still send lots of cards, and we can make up the difference very easily”. Potter was tutored on these mathematics by House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, who used a simple on-line Congressional tool to determine the new postal rates.  “It’s simple,” said Potter, “we can use this new tool each year to determine the price of stamps.  It will save us a lot of time and money, since that annual process is really rigorous”. Note: The Congressional tool takes the projected deficit and divides it by the number of revenue-generating transactions expected to determine the fee that should be charged for the good or service, and adds 20%. This is commonly used when calculating costs of government programs that will be paid for by specific surcharges or sales taxes, and does not take into account changes in consumer behaviors associated with the increased fees, surcharges, or taxes.

New proposal in play for GM

The news in the last few weeks has been filled with stories of unfortunate automobile accidents involving members of the ‘Greatest Generation’.  In most cases, the elderly drivers mistook the gas pedal for the brake pedal, or simply did not respond to their surroundings appropriately.  In most cases, the results were varying degrees of property damage and mostly non-life-threatening personal injury.  There are approximately 19 million senior citizen drivers on the road today (roughly 9% of all drivers), and the demographic is quickly growing, estimated to be around 30 million drivers by 2020.  Senior citizens have surpassed teens as the group with the highest number of accidents per mile driven. What can we do to preserve the independence and dignity of our seniors, while making the roadways, pharmacies, and farmer’s markets safer for all?

The spate of accidents has state governments reconsidering how best to address the issue in their jurisdictions.  Most favor more frequent driver’s license testing (to include vision tests) for drivers over a certain age, or placing restrictions on licenses for drivers over a certain age, the way new drivers are restricted from driving at night, or without a fully licensed driver in the car with them.  This poses a moral hazard for most state governments, because they make too much money renewing driver’s licenses.  The fees go up each year, and those numbers are already worked into state budgets.  If they started denying licenses for silly things like failing a vision test, they would be unable to meet revenue goals, especially as the demographic in question continues to grow.

The simple answer lies in a new proposal for General Motors  (GM), which has been scornfully called ‘Government Motors’ after the obscene, nonsensical, potentially illegal government bailout of this failed business. .  The existing government plan to “turn GM around into a sustainable, thriving company once more” is to produce overpriced, underpowered, under-safe, environmentally friendly (till you try to get rid of the batteries), teensy weensy cars that Americans simply will not rush to buy in the volumes required to become profitable.  Subsequently, the government is unlikely to find buyers to whom they could sell their ownership stake to divest themselves of this albatross. This means that the government will probably continue to be in the car business for the foreseeable future,  so America should make their grotesque investment do some good, given its astronomical, ever-growing cost.

 The new proposal would rename the company ‘Geriatric Motors’. The new proposal would mandate that all drivers over a certain age or declining level of ability turn in their current vehicles (Toyota Camrys seem to be the overwhelming car of choice with the senior set) and accept new Geriatric Motors vehicles as their replacements.  The swap would be a tax-neutral event; no gains, losses, income, or expenses would be recognized for the trade.  Seniors would receive the vehicle outright, but would be required to participate in the Geriatric Motors exclusive insurance program.  The government would underwrite and subsidize the new insurance arm of GM, and then take credit for helping lower insurance rates around the country by virtue of removing these 19 million drivers from the general population for risk evaluation purposes. 

 The proposal would assist the government in removing older, less fuel-efficient, higher-emissions vehicles from the nation’s roads.  In one fell swoop, 19 million older vehicles could be scrapped, at taxpayer expense, to help the environment.  Removal of these strong, sturdy cars from the roads neutralizes their threat as potential weapons in the hands of senior drivers.  There’s no way a new GM car would be able to crash through the front door of a WalMart, nor could it take out an entire farmer’s market, or injure dozens of parade spectators.  CVS storefronts and church parking lots would be safe once more.  The level of collateral damage in the event of an accident would be greatly reduced due to the high levels of plastics used in production, decreasing likelihood of major personal injury or property damage.  Airbag technology would keep the elder-driver safe inside the vehicle.  Exchange programs would allow the senior driver to swap the vehicle for a new one so long as they pledge to put the damaged vehicle in the recycle bin.  

Senior citizens are the nation’s fastest growing demographic, and appear to be the only answer as to what to do with all those little cars GM plans to build, and how to jump-start the plan to save the planet.  They are, in fact, the “Greatest Generation”; I’m sure they’ll answer our government’s call to service one last time.

Stimulus doesn’t work on dead people

A Baltimore woman received a Social Security stimulus check for $250 this week.  She probably won’t spend it to fuel the economy, because she has been dead for 40 years.  Her 83-year old son opened the mail and was surprised and shocked by what he found.  Don’t worry, though, the Social Security Administration has it covered:

Social Security representatives said there is a good explanation. Of the about 52 million checks that have been mailed out, about 10,000 of those have been sent to people who are deceased.

 

The agency blames the error on the strict mid-June deadline of mailing out all of the checks, which didn’t leave officials much time to clean up all of their records.

 

Agents ask that people return the check if they receive it.

Our government can’t be expected to clean up 40 years of Social Security records in a few short months!  The administration came into office with such a disaster on its hands, that it’s amazing that any checks went out at all! I personally blame George Bush for the whole fiasco.  The administration has left everyone with this reminder, if they happen to receive a check for a dead or non-existent person:

Social Security officials said they aren’t expecting to lose too much money to fraud. They’re reminding the public that it’s a federal offense to cash someone else’s Social Security check.

There you have it – the new government motto is “We don’t have to be careful, because if you act on our incompetence, YOU’LL go to jail!”. Good times.

Pretty good turnout, considering we’re in Massachusetts!

Here’s a shot of the Worcester Tea Party held on Wednesday.  It was barely covered by the local news (and pooh-poohed when actually covered), and the turnout was between 1,000 and 1,500 people (in Massachusetts????).  I went with my Mom and my two kids; the message was to pay attention to the knuckleheads approving all the taxing and spending, and don’t let them off the hook.  Contrary to mainstream public opinion, there were no burning crosses or effigies, or Nazi salutes or anything.  Just some nice people with an opinion.

Coverage by the Worcester Telegram & Gazette

Coverage by NECN

Happy Tax Freedom Day!

Today, April 13th is national tax freedom day: the date on which the average American will have worked long enough to satisfy taxes at all levels of government. It’s a week earlier than last year (hooray), but that’s because tons of people have no jobs, and tax revenue at every level has fallen! Next year is not looking so good: tax freedom day is MAY 29. That’s right – MAY 29th. You’ll be working for five months to pay your taxes next year (you know, if you still have your job). Folks in Connecticut have the latest freedom date this year: April 30th (call your local Congressman), and Alaskans have been working for themselves for over three weeks now. Their freedom date was March 23rd – take that, all you Palin-haters! Get the full details here.

Finally…a tax that affects the President

Today the federal tax on cigarettes goes up a stunning 61% per pack, adding over a dollar to each pack, and over ten dollars per carton (state governments are piling on in addition). “At least the President feels this one, too” said convenience store owner Barry Lawson of DesMoines. “The other tax increases are for rich people, but this one hits regular folks, including the President of the United States!”.

The proceeds of the tax increase will be channeled to expand the State Children’s Health Insurance Program (SCHIP), and the administration hopes to extend coverage to an additional 4 million children. So if you’re thinking about cutting back or quitting smoking all together due to rising costs, the administration urges you to remember that if you do, you’re harming America’s most vulnerable citizens: the children.  Now might be a good time to pick up the habit: for the children.

Endangered Species: Boston Globe

Time magazine listed the ten most endangered major city newspapers in the country, and our own Boston Globe showed up at number five. The article claimed that the paper was losing one million dollars per day, which is obviously an unsustainable business model (so don’t rule out a government bailout!). The Globe is a subsidiary of the financially troubled New York Times. What will we do without the globe? It’s likely that if the paper itself fails, its on-line presence would continue, perhaps in a fee-based model. The bigger question is: what will we line the bottom of our bird cages with? What will we wrap our fish in? Papier mache projects with the kids? Out the window, I guess. Here’s the link to subscribe to the Herald.