Finance Wizards in the Senate Vote to Throw $11B to Post Office

The whiz-bang financial analysts of the United States Senate approved a measure that would give the Postal Service $11B (that’s Billion with a “B”), freeze most facilities closings that were planned to reduce costs, along with implementation of 5-day delivery. For the first time ever, I have to side with the Postmaster General on this issue:

“It is totally inappropriate in these economic times to keep unneeded facilities open. There is simply not enough mail in our system today,” the Postal Service’s board of governors said in a statement. “It is also inappropriate to delay the implementation of five-day delivery.”

This is coming from the guy who’s captain of the sinking ship, and throwing a life-preserver isn’t going to help this vessel - plugging holes and bailing is a better course. In fact, the Senate bill explicitly prohibits the USPS from making most of its cost-cutting measures for YEARS to come:

The Senate bill would halt the immediate closing of up to 252 mail-processing centers and 3,700 post offices, part of a postal cost-cutting plan to save some $6.5 billion a year. Donahoe previously said he would begin making cuts after May 15 if Congress didn’t act, warning that the agency could run out of money this fall.

The measure would save about half the mail processing centers the Postal Service wants to close, from 252 to 125, allowing more areas to maintain overnight first-class mail delivery for at least three more years. It also would bar any shutdowns before the November elections, protect rural post offices for at least a year, give affected communities new avenues to appeal closing decisions and forbid cuts to Saturday delivery for two years.

Got that?  The Senate wants to spend $11B this year to prevent the USPS from saving at least $6.5B every year, and start paring down its operation.  Since the Post Office is a creation of the Legislature, they require its authority to do anything, even save money.  Where the hell does this $11B come from, anyway?  The USPS reminds us on its website that

The Postal Service receives NO tax dollars for operating expenses and relies on the sale of postage, products and services to fund its operations. We are required by law to cover our costs.

Unless Congress says so. I smell election-year hijinks and 500,000 solid Democratic votes.  There are a nice bunch of Postal employees in swing states  according to workforce size by state listings. California, New York, and Texas are the states with the largest postal workforce, but filling in behind is : #4 Florida: 32,000, #6 Pennsylvania 27,600, #7 Ohio: 22,300, : #10 North Carolina 15,200 ,and  #12: Virginia 15,300. Interesting. It remains to be seen what the House of Representatives does with this next.

Lawmaking Priorities in the U.S. versus the Middle East

Here in the United States, we keep reading about the stupid things our elected representatives choose to spend time on. For example, this week we have proposals  for the following rules and legislation:

Not allowing children of farmers to work on, well, farms.

The wise people of Concord, MA voted to ban the sale of water in plastic bottles (one liter or less in size).  We’ll have to wait for the outcome of the Kitty Leash Law question until their Town Meeting.

Removing all references to the word “lunatic” in the U.S. Code (after making sure it won’t actually change a law or anything).  It seems it is found in “at least one place”.  And it is hurtful and insensitive.  The other words found in Title 1 Chapter one are apparently ok: “”the words ‘insane’ and ‘insane person’ and ‘lunatic’ shall include every idiot, lunatic, insane person, and person non compos mentis.” Much better! Thank you Reps. Conrad (D-N.D.) and Crapo (R-Idaho).

South Greensburg, PA now limits its residents to only two yard sales per year.  And you have to get a permit.  This is especially ominous now that warm weather has arrived!

Sounds silly, yes?  But it turns out that our brothers and sisters in the Middle East really take it to the next level:

In Egypt, Parliament has introduced a bill giving husbands the legal right to have intercourse with their dead wives for up to six hours after death.  It is called “farewell intercourse”.  How sweet. I am sure the man who would like to have sex with his dead wife was a real prince while she was alive!

In Saudi Arabia, schools and universities have been instructed not to admit gays and tomboys, unless the behavior is corrected. Why should they be any different?  Girls still cannot play sports in school, and women can’t drive.  It’s all part of the plan. Yawn.

What conclusions can we draw?  Well, our government is full of boneheads that spend time and resources on stupid-ass things (infuriating) that don’t warrant legislation or rule.  I call it “legislating stupidity”. Governments in other parts of the world are truly off their freaking rockers.  Consider ourselves lucky?

BREAKING: Gov’t Plans to Require ID for French Fry Purchases

WASHINGTON: House Democrats this morning announced a plan to file legislation that would require restaurants to request valid ID to purchase french fries. The draft legislation is a response to the push to curb childhood obesity, a goal championed by First Lady Michelle Obama. The bill goes further than Mrs. Obama’s push for the removal of french fries in children’s meals, and requires the presentation of a state or federally issued identification that proves the holder is age 18 or older.  Ima Noseybich (D-CA), who drafted the bill says ”This is the only way we can be sure that our children can be protected against the evil menace of french fries; it is the third in our nutrition axis of evil.  We’ve already been working on demonizing soda and chocolate milk, and french fries are far more insipid than the others”. 

House Republicans had no response other than stifled laughter at the press conference, but when that settled down they wondered if these same folks would support a national voter ID requirement.  Ms. Noseybich was not amused, and added “of course not, it would be a violation of the Constitution”.  Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano has not yet weighed in on adding french fries to the ongoing national security threat list.  Cranky Mommy readers may recall when the KFC  ”Double Down” sandwich was added as a major national security threat in April of 2010.

BREAKING: Obama Threatens Rolling Blackouts if Debit Ceiling Not Raised

WASHINGTON – President Obama this morning warned that the country could face rolling blackouts if Republican lawmakers don’t compromise in raising the nation’s debt ceiling before August 2nd.  Of course, rolling blackouts in the heat of summer in an uncertain economy are really frightening to most Americans.  This comes after a contentious week of deliberation in which Republican lawmakers refuse to accept any new taxes to support additional government debt.  Unnamed sources in the administration note that “all options are on the table” as far as the President is concerned.  “He’s not going to back down.  If scaring the elderly won’t work, we’re not opposed to drowning kittens to get our way.  People like animals more than old people, anyway”.

The House Calendar vs. My House Calendar

Those poor over-worked, underappreciated bastards in Congress. Here’s the October House calendar posted on-line by House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer (D-Maryland) I promise I haven’t photo-shopped it at all. They don’t even mark up all those empty dates as “District Time”, but I guess “Hiding from Constituents” doesn’t look good right, either. Blank was the better choice. Here’s the kicker: they haven’t even passed a budget yet, and they won’t be back until mid-November! 

Now here’s MY house calendar, it probably looks a lot like yours.  All that pesky working and schooling takes so much time, doesn’t it?  It seems my family has way more to do and more responsibilities than do our elected representatives.  This calendar doesn’t even include the basics of housekeeping, groceries, laundry, etc.  Our family budget has been in place for some time now.  Imagine that!

BREAKING: Bedbug Outbreak Caused Early Congressional Exit

WASHINGTON: The recent mass exodus of Congress from the capitol last week was not the result of cowardice or political maneuvering, but of bedbugs. Unofficial reports indicate that both chambers of Congress are crawling with cimex lectularia, commonly known as bedbugs. The predicament is unsurprising to one member of the capitol’s janitorial staff, “think about it, these people jet all over the place, staying at hotels on the taxpayer’s nickel. Of course they’re bringing back bedbugs from their travels. Probably the flu, too!” There has been no official statement on the situation, and Congress plans to return to session after the November 15, when the lame duck session will perhaps attempt to pass a federal budget (one of its most basic duties), and decide whether to allow the Obama tax increases to take effect in January. Until then, a different kind of parasite will reside in the capitol until after the mid-term elections.

Fashion Week to Kick off with Pelosi Signature Shoes

Nancy Pelosi-Inspired "Debate Boot"

Fashion Week will officially kick off in New York City on September 10th, and a surprise late-entrant to the General Motors-sponsored show will be  the Nancy Pelosi-inspired “Speak to the Heel!” line of shoes. “They’re not so much shoes as they are jack-boots” said Martin Bouvier, designer of the line, “They say to the world that the wearer won’t take their crap, and will step on the throats of dissenters!”. Of course, Speaker Pelosi endorsed the shoes two months ago while avoiding meeting her constituents face to face in San Francisco. The line will include five different shoes, only two of which have been previewed: the ‘Debate Boot’ and the ‘Heel to the Throat’ formal shoe. While Mrs. Pelosi was unavailable for comment on the shoes or where they will be manufactured, a spokesperson indicated that “Speaker Pelosi is thrilled with the end product, and wants the ladies out there to know that being a powerful woman who can shut down debate on just about anything can be stylish, oh, and that racism will be dealt with severely.”

“What-chu talkin’ bout, Willis?”

Gary Coleman, 42, child star of ‘Diff’rent Strokes’ died yesterday after being removed from life support in a hospital in Provo, Utah.  Although it seems that he turned out better than his child co-stars (Dana Plato, suicide; Todd Bridges, tried and acquitted of attempted murder), Mr. Coleman still had his share of issues: ongoing health problems associated with kidney disease, repeated interaction with law enforcement, financial problems, several attempted suicide attempts, and estrangement from his immediate family.

What strikes me as most intriguing about this story, however, is how quickly his wife “pulled the plug” on Mr. Coleman after he slipped into  a coma.  According to news accounts: Mr. Coleman suffered a brain hemorrhage at his home Wednesday evening (some reports say he “fell”).  By the account of his manager, John Alcantar, Mr. Coleman was “conscious and lucid” Thursday morning, and he apparently slipped into a coma that afternoon.  News accounts further report that he was removed from life support at 12:05pm on Friday.  So hold on a minute: he supposedly fell in his home, suffered a hemorrhage, slipped into a coma and was unplugged in less than 36 hours?  Can that be right?

I imagine a team of doctors striding into Mr. Coleman’s hospital room as he lay in a coma, attempting to update Mr. Coleman’s wife, Shannon Prince:

As the doctor is looking up from his charts, he says,

“Mrs. Coleman, I’ve been reviewing your husband’s test results, and although he’s only been here a few hours, I think our best course of action is to …are you unplugging that machine?  Wait a minute..”. 

“I know you’ve tried everything, but Gary said he didn’t want to suffer, and didn’t want to live this way…”. 

“Ma’am, we’ve hardly tried anything yet, and he’s only been here around 8 hours, I think we should finish our evaluation -”. 

“..for not even a minute.  I’ve been praying for a miracle that never happened! And, and, and he said he never wanted to be a burden”. 

“A burden??? You haven’t even been here long enough to start paying for parking for God’s sake”. 

“Yes, a burden – I’m a busy, vibrant woman, and I’ve got an appointment with my personal trainer in 45 minutes.”

“Oh, well why didn’t you say so?  We could have skipped the whole silly evaluation. Carry on, then.”

NOTE: The United States House of Representatives honored Mr. Coleman during yesterday’s session.  The venerable Rep. Diane Watson eloquently delivers a brief comment.  She notes that he was “small in statue“.  This Congress is on top of the latest breaking news!

UPDATE: Britain’s Daily Mail has a story about Mr. Coleman’s ”wife’s heart-breaking decision to turn off life support machine“.  Ummmm.

BREAKING: New Element Discovered

A major research institution has just announced the discovery of the densest element yet known to science.  The new element has been named Pelosium.  Pelosium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 311.

These particles are held together by dark forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

The symbol of Pelosium is PU.

Pelosium’s mass actually increases over time, as morons randomly interact with various elements in the atmosphere and become assistant deputy neutrons within the Pelosium molecule, leading to the formation of isodopes.

This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientist to believe that Pelosium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration.  This hypothetical quantity is referred to as Critical Morass.

When catalyzed with money, Pelosium activates CNNadnausium, an element that radiates orders of magnitude more energy, albeit as incoherent noise, since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons as Pelosium

Forget Tsunami Warnings; Tipping Warnings a Must for Guam

Okay, so the military would like to relocate 5,000 Marines and their families to Guam, the westernmost American territory, so they have to hold hearings with Congressional stooges who ask the really tough questions. Here is Representative Hank Johnson (D-Georgia) really putting the screws to Admiral Robert Willard (head of the U.S. Pacific Fleet). The Admiral probably killed himself on the way home after seeing first hand the morons from whom he takes his marching orders.  Hey, isn’t Guam awfully close to the edge of the earth?  We don’t want to lose any Marines over the side, do we?

Interesting points:
Johnson is semi-literate, stoned, or very ill. Let’s say he’s ill.  I like how he leans over to demonstrate how the island may “tip over and capsize”.

The Admiral shows respect and maturity by not laughing in this fool’s face; these are character traits lacking in most of the people he faces in Washington.  My snark sense was going crazy, and then this cool customer says “Sir, to your point, Guam is a small island”, and “We don’t anticipate that”.  He doesn’t even crack a smile.

UPDATE:  I’ve just read the transcript of the entire exchange, and apparently Mr. Johnson was using this as a metaphor for ecosystem issues facing Guam with a population increase.  If you read the transcript (without benefit of the video), he just sounds moderately annoying and then stupid, but seeing the conversation gives you the idea that he has no clue.  If the video included the entire exchange, I don’t think it would change anybody’s reaction to it.  This must make me a racist moron, unable to appreciate the nuance of his statements. By the way, his questions were “on second thought”.  He originally had no questions for the Admiral. He submitted a response to the video now circulating. Imagine if Sarah Palin had said this stuff???