BREAKING: Obscure Document Suggests President Can’t Keep Legislating from the Podium

Fresh on the heels of yet another non-legislative change to the previously Congressionally-enacted Affordable Care Act (aka Obamacare), Cranky Mommy Investigations has uncovered an obscure document called the Constitution of the United States, hidden deep in the archives of the world-famous Smithsonian Institute. The document contains the ancient rules by which the country was founded and governed way back in those dark, neanderthal, rich white guy, colonial days. On its face, the document seems to define three branches of government and the responsibilities and powers of each.  But a closer reading  of all clauses suggests a “separation of powers” to encourage “checks and balances” between branches of government to ensure we don’t  become some kind of perverted dictatorship. This document is probably obsolete, however, since there were no teleprompters or opinion polls in those ancient days.  If only we were Constitutional Law Professors, this would all make sense to us!!

Real Housewives of Dubai – New Episode on BRAVO!

This week the ladies show their serious side by worrying about the recent crime wave in Dubai: obscene gestures while driving and questionable handshakes;  they discuss whether or not car seats will ever be required by law in the kingdom; the ladies figure out how to download two books recently banned by the Committee for the Prevention of Vice and Promotion of Virtue .

You already know who they are….

Even though your kids are still kind of young, you have already figured out which kids’ parents will be the “friend parents”, and which will remain actual parental units. You already know who will be buying their kids beer. You know which kids will get cars the second they get their licenses. You know which parents don’t believe in too much discipline. You know which ones will want the kids to have a big co-ed overnight party at a hotel on prom night.  But do you know which parent will represent your spoiled rotten child in court to sue your ass for private school tuition? and then college tuition? Better figure it out soon -

A New Jersey high school senior sued her parents, accusing them of tossing her out of the family home when she turned 18 and refusing to pay for her private high school and college education.

The article about it on CNN does not inform the reader that the parent of one of the princess’s friends is footing the bill for her legal fees.  It seems princess did not want to follow the rules of the house, so she moved out.  Luckily the first part of the lawsuit was tossed, but there is more to come, since princess has been accepted into a number of fine colleges.  She wants to be a biomedical engineer!

Breaking: Obama Warns, Russia Yawns

More weak talk from the White House predictably does absolutely nothing to deter the Russians from sending troops to the Ukraine. New vocabulary words already being dispensed to press: it’s not an invasion, it is an “uncontested incursion”. So nobody, especially us, has to step in. It’s very nuanced for us common folk to understand. Get back to your cocktail party, everyone, nothing to see here!

That about sums it up…

jep

Despair, Inc.’s Newest Valentine’s Products

Click picture to see the latest dysfunctional candy hearts!

Click picture to see the latest dysfunctional candy hearts!

If they work as well as the bathrooms in Sochi, I’d be wary…

“100,000 Condoms available to Sochi Olympians

CLIFFHANGER: Biden to Decide on Presidential Run in Sept 2015

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Uh, huh, what? Vice President Joe Biden can’t come up with a reason why he shouldn’t run for president, but he’s going to think long and hard and decide next September. I can smell the smoke from here. Good Lord.

Russian Olympic Bathroom Etiquette

I’m hanging this up in both bathrooms of MY house. I am sick and tired of the kids fishing in my toilets, and whatever it is that last picture is supposed to be.  Is the stick man shooting up drugs next to a toilet?   I guess even illicit behavior in the vicinity of a toilet will clog it in Russia.  If it’s good enough for the Olympics, it is good enough for my house – Cranky Children be warned!  All the nonsense depicted on this poster better stop!  Pronto!

Jeez – Did any of these bright women consider putting clothes on it?

wellesleysleepwalker22.jpg

“Ahhhhh, offensive statuary alert!”

Wellesley College is in a tizzy about a statue of a realistic-looking man in his underwear, supposedly sleepwalking. The bright young women of Wellesley have started a petition, and are outraged because the statue us making them feel creeped out, and may trigger memories of sexual abuse or assault. The statue is on the sidewalk of a well-trafficked pathway. Did anybody consider putting a poncho on it? A winter coat? At least a hat? Those inferior public school kids would have already put a zombie mask on that thing, or would have dressed him as a Domino’s delivery man complete with pizza boxes. Or wrapped him up in toilet paper a la The Mummy.  The same elite universities that encourage movements like Occupy (pooping on police cars and “civil” disobedience) have created a campus environment of victimization and helplessness, where everything you disagree with or deem unseemly must be removed, deleted, or erased completely, then buried in a deep, dark  hole forever. Civilly put some clothes on that dude, ladies! God forbid you have some fun with this.  Who’s going to arrest you?

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